About this blog

The intent of this blog is to form an interactive community where parents of dead babies can come together and swap information, stories, tears, memories and encouragement. This is designed to be a neutral place. We are not religious nor are we anti-religious. Come as you are. You can sign the guest book, add your baby(ies) to the baby name memory list, review books on infant death, add warnings about movies and books that contain a dead baby, add your blog to our directory or a number of other things. Don't hesitate to contact us if you have any questions or would like to see something added to this blog. Rule One: be kind to each other. We're all in this together. We all suffer and miss our babies madly.

What's New?

If you are new to blogging and would like to be featured please let us know! Looking for parents who are new to this community and are looking for some peer support.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Question of the week

Merry Christmas, or have a happy holiday no matter which one you celebrate this time of year.  But being that today is in fact Christmas Day, how was your holiday with out your little one?  Feel free to share your tearful moments, your hopes for next year, how you thought this day would go...and then how it really did, or any happy moments or speckles of peace you found today.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Question of the week

Do you have any family traditions that you are planning on incorporating your childs memory into during the holidays?  Do you have anything special planned in rememberance of your little one?

Friday, December 11, 2009

Question of the week

With the gift giving holidays fast approaching, have you decided to purchase a gift for, or in rememberance of, your little one?  If so, what is it and what are your plans for it?

Friday, December 4, 2009

Question of the week

Knowing that grief comes in stages and most of those stages get repeated several times in the grief cycle, and knowing that grief comes in lulls and waves, how long do you think it took you to get past the really hard part??  When did you realize it had happened?

Thursday, December 3, 2009

How Food Affects Your Mood - Article

I read this in a recent newsletter I get from http://www.sparkpeopl.com/ on depression/dieting.  I thought I would sahre it here.

How Food Affects Your Mood

Although the foods you eat cannot treat depression, your diet does have significant effects on your mood, energy levels, mental health, and your ability to cope with stress. If you suffer from depression or seasonal affective disorder (SAD), certain dietary changes can help you get well when combined with a treatment program outlined by your health care provider.

Structure your meals. Eat at approximately the same times each day and don't skip meals. Enjoy three well-balanced meals and plan snacks between meals.

Eat quality nutrients. Try incorporating more whole foods, fruits and veggies, and healthy fats.

Consume plenty of calories. Eating less than 1,000 calories per day reduces the amount of serotonin in the brain, which increases symptoms of depression and its chances of recurring.

Go for omega-3s. These fatty acids can help with depression, by affecting cell signals in the brain. Foods rich in omega-3s include salmon, sardines, mackerel, soybeans, walnuts, ground flaxseed and more.

Cut back on caffeine. Caffeine acts as a stimulant, making you feel anxious and interfering with sleep patterns. Consume no more than 200- 300 milligrams daily.

Avoid alcohol and drugs. They interact with medications and addictive or abusive behaviors can prevent you from a full recovery.

Eat plenty of carbs. They increase the amount of serotonin in the brain, improving mood and decreasing symptoms of depression. Aim for at least 130 grams of carbohydrates from foods like whole grains, fruits and veggies each day.

Depression is difficult for anyone who lives with it. It can sap your motivation to care for yourself, eat well, and exercise--the very things that can help you feel better. While dietary changes alone aren't a surefire way to prevent or treat depression, they can help you feel better when combined with the treatment options that your health care provider recommends.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Exercise Improves Depression - Article

I read this in a newsletter for depression that I signed up for on http://www.sparkpeople.com/ and thought I would share it here.

Exercise Improves Depression

The idea that regular exercise can improve symptoms of depression and anxiety has been around for thousands of years. If you suffer from major depression, exercise probably won't be the only treatment you'll need, but it will help along with your treatment plan. Working out can enhance the benefits of antidepressant medications, and even produce similar results. But while medication and psychotherapy can take weeks to work, you can start feeling the positive effects of exercise right away.

Research shows that exercise:

Positively effects the same neurotransmitters that antidepressant medications target

Produces feel-good brain chemicals called "endorphins," which promote the sense of well-being and satisfaction

Releases tension in muscles that contributes to depression-related soreness and insomnia

Reduces levels of the stress hormone cortisol, relieving feelings of anxiety and agitation

Raises body temperature, which appears to have calming effects

Exercise can also promote the following psychological and emotional changes:

Distraction. Exercise compels you to focus on something besides your troubles for a little while, helping you find pleasure.

Confidence. By meeting a goal, like a small amount of exercise each day, you can begin to rebuild confidence and self-esteem.

Self-respect. Taking the time to do something positive to help yourself every day can help you reconnect with the part of you that wants to be healthy and productive.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Question of the Week

With the holidays approaching, many of us find them to be especially hard to celebrate.  Do you have any plans for including the memory of your dead baby (special candle lighting, ornaments, prayers) in the holidays?  Have you decided to start a tradition for "remebering" your child during the holidays?  Do you plan on purchasing gifts for your child, or in memory of your child?  What special plans, if any, do you have for the holidays that are based around the death of your child(ren)?

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The DBC on Facebook

Are you on Facebook?  The DBC has a group page.  You can join it by clicking here.  Its still a young club, but its a nice place to start random discussions about your DB.  There is also a place to photo's, feel free to share yours.  Also feel free to post links to your blog or any website you like (relating to DBs), or even if you have a craft to share (like jewelry, name memorials, etc).

Friday, November 6, 2009

What Happens After You've Given Up?

I thought perhaps this post would work nicely here on TDBC blog, for those of you who don't follow my personal blog about Logan.  So, here is a repost.

This is part of a post I wrote today on my diet blog The Fatty Cakes Girls Club that I co-author with a skinny friend of mine. My posts have taken a different turn recently. I used to keep Logan and the "issues" I have with that tucked neatly, safely and mostly secretly tucked away here on my personal blog. But, reality is what it is. And my reality is trying, struggeling, and failing daily to get a handle on my weight loss and fitness in the face of depression and emotional eating. So, lately the two issues have crossed each other and I thought I would share a little of that here. Maybe this would be a more appropriate post for The Dead Baby Club Blog. But, here it is anyway.

What Happens After You've Given Up?

Seriously. What happens after you've given up? I need to find an article or something. But this is where I am. I've given up. I've tossed in the towel on pretty much everything around me. I hate who it makes me. I hate what I look like, how I feel. But I don't seem to know what to do now.

 joined a group on SparkPeople.com for depression. The thing is, it seems like a joke to me. I'm not sure how people really find hope or comfort in those things, but they must. I don't. I'm not "just" depressed. Its not some chemical impalance or something. I'm insanely sad, and for good reason. Most days I'm just numb. Numb is better than gut wrenching tears, or not. I haven't decided yet. For those of you who missed it, I had a stillborn son in January. It was unexpected, as I guess most of the time it is. Anyhow, I know that the crap that I'm neck deep in is all normal. If I went to a shrink they'd give me meds (which I'm not keen on) and tell me that its all part of grief and its normal. That I just have to weather the storm. So that's what I do. Everyday I tread water, metaphorically of course since treading water would make me loose weight and since that's not happening... But everyday I just survive. And I'm tired. I'm tired of having to work at it. IT being everything. I just don't have the energy, the will, whatever. Anyhow, this group...its been no help. They say things like, step 1) get up. 2) Brush your teeth and comb your hair 3) get dressed....uh hello? I know that its like that for a lot of people. And frankly if it wasn't for my daughter...I'd still be caught at step one. What I wouldn't give to just sleep through this mess. But seriously, reading on the internet that all you have to do is get up and "tah-dah" life will be better, its a farse. No duh. I know I need to get up, get presentable (pony-tail style, right Jules??), eat, stay alive. Its the things that I don't "have" to do. Like eat decent food, exercise, clean the house, maybe even shower... :) I wish it was that easy. Just do it. Just say it, and it will be so. But it's not. I've tried to fake it. I've "just done it" and nothing stuck. I do the bare minimum. Some days I get a spark, and on those days maybe I work out, or maybe I grocery shop, or clean. But those days are few and far between. It feels like it takes all the energy I have just to survive the day. To be a good mommy to my daughter, to be an acceptable (or at least not repulsive) wife to my dh. I don't have strength to be anything else, for anyone else. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you want to look at it, a tiny spot in my heart still desires for those things...on occasion, when that spot isn't being over run with the other crap.

I know this isn't really the "place" for that tangent, but I know that lots of people read this blog, and lots of people struggle with various forms of depression or other issues that make loosing weight seem impossible, and sometimes it is. The point is that other people have these struggles too. Not everyone wakes up one day and decides that "today is the day" and boom, everything falls into place and the weight just goes melting away. Weight loss is a hard battle faught by millions of people, a lot of whom are depressed or are emotional eaters. A lot of whom struggle with getting out of bed, much less on the elliptical. I guess the good thing is that even if I've given up, it's temporary. I'm still blogging. I lay my heart out bare and display my humiliation of 9 months of failed weight loss attempts for everyone to judge, and have opinions about. And maybe someday I'll be able to look back and marvel at how far I came. Maybe someone will read these posts and see how low I was, and then read how I succeeded and maybe they'll be inspired. Maybe that's what keeps me trudging on, even after I've given up.

So Fatty Cakes, what keeps you going when you've given up? What's the huge motivator that pushes you to keep trying even after years of failure and embarressment? Why are you here?

::: ::: :::

So, this is to all of you in DB land. Have any of you been trying to loose weight? I mean, we're all just like "normal" post-partum mums. We all needed to loose that baby fat. Luckily, or whatever, I didn't need to loose the "baby" weight so much as the fat butt I had prior too. I gained a mere 6lbs in the short 6 months I gestated Logan, which at the time they were congratulating, and only just begining to raise an eyebrow about. No, I don't feel like my lack of gain affected Logan's development. I'm about 40lbs overweight, so low gain was encouraged, and Logan's issue is genetic (DS). Anyhow, after Logan died I discovered for the first time that I am an emotional eater. The only comfort I could manage to find was in food and soda. Anything loaded with sugar. Anything that gave me that slight rush, even if only for a second. That caused me to add an additional 10lbs to my already fat butt. For the most part I've overcome the emotional eating thing (though I still struggle with finding comfort in a bottle of pop or a Mocha). I still have a lot of bad days, though I try to see it for what it is. But I can not for the life of me stick with a diet or exercise program to save my life. I keep thinking, why bother? Why make myself more miserable than I already am? And I just can't seem to talk myself into keeping at it. And sadly, it adds to the depression. Its like, I sit here and I know what the problem is, and I know how to fix it (because I lost 40lbs a few years ago when I put my mind to it) and yet, I just can't seem to get up. I feel like a boiled frog. I know what's happening, but I can't work up the strngth to do anything about it. And I HATE IT! I don't know this person!

Sadly I thought I was having a few good weeks. But what I am realizing now is that they're just weeks of voids. There is no comfort to be found anywhere in anything. And I've just gone numb. I don't care. I don't care that I'm drinking soda that a couple of months ago I convinced myself was poison. I don't care that I'm eating nasty, tasteless food from some joint because at least I didn't have to cook it, and now I don't have to clean it up. I don't care that my hair doesn't get brushed, or that I'm not showered. I don't care that I'm not working out, and only mildly care if I gain weight. Most days I'm just relieved not to have gianed any weight. I don't care that my house is a mess and that I don't have any clean clothes. The only thing I care about is trying to make David happy (or at least not adding to his depression) and making my daughter smile. Which frightens me because I never wanted a spoiled child, and she may well end up that way because I am so desperate to please her. Although, momma still knows what a time-out chair looks like.

So if you've lost weight, or kicked some other habit, how'd you get the umph after loosing your baby? Where'd you find the desire to give a crap? Even after figuring out that it was something you HAD to do, how did you ACTUALLY manage to get it done?

Friday, October 23, 2009

Question of the Week

Experts say that when you suffer through a trauma as awful as loosing a baby, that you shouldn't make any major life changes in the first year.  Having said that, did you make any major life changes in the first year after your baby died, and if so, do you think it was for the better or the worse?  How did it affect your grieving process?

Friday, October 16, 2009

Question of the Week

I would like to put together a list of things people can do for their friends or family members who have lost a baby.  What things were important to you that you would have liked others to have done when your baby(ies) died?  What did you wish they wouldn't have done?  Would you have preferred people have called or not?  Would you have liked people to ask about the details?  Would you have liked to have shared your pictures of your baby?  Nothing is off limits, so speak freely.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Question of the Week

When my son Logan died in January I wanted desperately to have a way for him to leave his mark on this earth, physically.  We didn't have a grave site for him as he was at U of M for many months undergoing his autopsy, and then later his ashes were sent home to us, where they currently remain.  My husband and I decided to plant a tree in Logan's honor at a local park.  There is also a plaque at the base of the tree.  I wanted people to see that there was a child here who had a name.  He was wanted, he is loved and he is missed.  The park is where I would have taken him to play, it seemed like an appropriate location.  The tree now serves as a symbol of our son and has become an integreal part of our memory of him.  You can see Loga's Weeping Willow and Plaque here.

The question is:

Did you do anything to memorialize your child physically?  Plant a tree, flower, garden?  Create a pond?  Buy a brick, a bench, a stone?
If so, we'd like to hear the story and get a link to a picture (if there is one available).

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Ways to Memorialize Your Baby

After my son Logan died I found that I was desperate to find ways for him to "leave his mark" on this earth, physically.  One of the things that I did was to plant a tree in is honor in a local park.  You can see that here.  I also had a name print done and had his name written in the sand by Carly (many parents print this photo off and hang it on their wall) and had a necklace made with his name and Angelversary on it by a fellow DBM.  There are so many ways in which we can memorialize our children.  Here are a few more:

Memory Blanket (from your childs clothes)
Have your childs portrait Sketched 
Angel Pics (free Photo Retouching for Stillborn Babies)

Some folks like to plant gardens or a specific plant, make stepping stones, create a water pond or have an area put aside especially for the belongings of their angel baby.  Many local places allow you to purchase bricks or plaques in memory or your child(ren), places like your local library, school, activity center, church or park.  Here are a few other nice ideas.  If you did something, bought something, or heard about something that you think would be beneficial for another grieving family, please do share.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Baby Urns (Website List)

I have to admit that I was shocked when my son's ashes showed up in a plastic bowl in the mail. For some reason I assumed he'd arrive in a little urn. So, though I do not endorse any of these websites, here is a short list of websites that sell Infant Urns for our little angels, to help get you started. Check with a local Funeral Home and see if they can transition the ashes for you, if you'd like.

Updates Galore

I just wanted to let everyone know that I have added updates to everything that had a submission, and there were a lot!  The calendar, the name list, several directories...etc.

I have to apologize for my absence.  When I started this resource blog I was in an easier place, emotionally.  Lately though I have had a rough time being reminded that babies are still dying, everyday.  This blog has reinforced that knowledge for me, and sometimes it is hard to be a part of it.  Forgive me during the times where I need to step away and try and forget this pain.  In the mean time though, know that all of the submissions can be found i nthe various comments sections and that eventually they will be added to the formal locations.  Thank you all for your understanding.  I wish you all moments of peace.  Keep breathing.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Remembering Peyton, George & Emily this month

I wanted to post that October is an especially hard time for Peyton, George & Emily's family.  Today is Peyton's Angelversary, Geroge's Angelversary is later this month and later this month was Emily's due date.  Please keep these families in your thoughts.  If you would like to contact them, or read their stories, click on their names in the calendar at the bottom of the home page for their info.

Lighting a candle for Peyton, George and Emily all month long.

This image was stolen from Raffledoocious on Flicker and I give this person all credit.

Question of the Week

I've slowed down on the question of the week because frankly I've run out of intelligent questions to ask.  So please, if you have any questions you'd like answered, feel free to let me know and I will post it.

This time the question is this:

My son Logan died at the end of January on a sunny bright and bitterly cold day.  I often find myself fearing the coming winter.  Will it throw me deeper into depression?  Will all bitter cold sunny days just remind me of his death even more?  Perhaps its the one year mark looming on the horizon.  Whatever it is, I find that I am leery of this coming winter.  Just another reminder.  So, I am wondering, do any of you feel the same way?  If your child died in the summer, do you find that summer time is often hard for you to go through?  Winter, fall or spring?  If so, and you've been through a few...when did you start to realize that the time of year was less and less of a significance?

If you choose to answer this question on your own blog, don't forget to leave us a link so that we can see your answer. :)

Friday, August 14, 2009

Question of the Week

Studies show that regular exercise can help to battle depression by releasing feel good chemicals in your brain. So, this weeks question is this:

Have you found that exercising really does help to release some of the tension, stress, anxiety and everything else that is associated with grief? Do you exercise to find relief? What form of exercise have you found relieves you the most? How often do you do this?

Friday, August 7, 2009

Question of the Week

Who has been your biggest support in your grief since the death of your child? Did this surprise you? In what way has this person been so supportive?

Friday, July 31, 2009

Question of the Week

Did you choose to name your baby, and if so, what was the inspiration behind your childs name?

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Blogs from a Different Path (adoption, surrogacy, etc)

This is a blog directory for parents who have chosen to walk a different path to "having" a child after the death of a baby; be it through adoption, surrogacy, or any alternative means. There are no current listings.

If you would like to submit a blog written by a dead baby momma simply add it in the comment section. Also, if there is a misprint, please accept my apologies and inform me ASAP!

Blogs about Surviving Multiples (death of one twin, etc)

The purpose of this directory is to share blogs from the perspective of families who have lost one or more multiples whilst one or more survived (for instance one twin dies).

  1. Between the Snow and the Huge Roses
    Georgia died at 3 days old in August 2008 leaving behind her twin sister Jessica.
  2. Life, Interrupted
    Caitlin was stillborn in February 2009 leaving behind her triplet sisters Julia & Gabrielle.

If you would like to submit a blog written by a dead baby momma simply add it in the comment section.

Also, if there is a misprint, please accept my apologies and inform me ASAP!

Friday, July 24, 2009

Question of the week

What seems to have been the hardest milestone since your child's death, and how did you cope with that day?

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Father's Grieving Infant Loss Blog

I came across this blog today and thought it was worth sharing.

from Tim Nelson, author of a Guide For Fathers - When a Baby Dies

Tim Nelson
My wife, Monica, and I suffered the full-term stillbirth of our second child, Kathleen. While that was a number of years ago, I have stayed connected to the issue through my writing and speaking on the topic of father's grief following the death of an infant. I, like many men, had trouble talking about my feelings after my daughter's death. I'm hoping this blog might be a place for dads to share their thoughts about what they are experiencing and find support from other dads.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Question of the Week

Every Friday I will post a new question of the week. Leave your answers in the comment section below, or answer on your blog, but be sure to give us a link!

What has surprised you the most about your journey of grief?

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

FAQ's about this Blog

This is a FAQ's page about this blog. Please feel free to submit your questions regarding this blog in the comment section below.

  1. What's with the name? Well, I'm not much for sugar coating. And I think as a mother to a dead baby that sugar coating doesn't change the facts. My baby died. I am a member of the Dead Baby Club. A club nobody wants to belong to , and yet so many of us do. Why pretend it's all fluffy and sweet when it so clearly is not?
  2. Who are you? Just a fellow Dead Baby Momma who believes that blogging is an effective outlet for grief. I have no degree in pyschology or anything. I'm a SAHM to a little girl who came a year before the stillbirth of my son.
  3. How many people contribute to this blog? As of right now there are four fellow Dead Baby Momma's. Heather (myself), Elaine, Amanda and Jess. Each of us is at a different stage in our loss, and I believe that each of us offers a unique perspective.
  4. Can I add something? Sure!! In fact I encourage it. I'm all ears for things that you would find useful or a nice addition. You can contact me via email or through a comment with any suggestions you'd like to make.
  5. Can I coauthor the blog? I am always looking to add a new perspective to this blog. If you are interested in becoming a part of the DBC Blog team, please contact me and we can go from there.
  6. Are you are professional? Nope. Not at all. Therefore all posts on this blog should not be taken as a professional opinion. There just entries from fellow loss parents who are trying to find their way and lend a hand to others in their journey. Please be aware that we can not offer professional advice, and should you feel in need of such advice please refer to a licensed practitioner.
  7. Where else are you on the web? We have a Facebook Group, and a Twitter account @TheDeadBabyClub
  8. Do you have religious or political affiliations? No. The DBC is a religous/political neutral blog. We know that there are many club members from all walks of life and faiths and do not judge nor push any one political/religious view here on the blog.
  9. Can I contact the DBC directly? Sure. You can email me by clicking here, and I will try to respond in a timely fashion.
  10. How long has this blog been up and running? Since 2009.

I'd like to blog, but I don't know how.

Blogging is like an online journal. Lots of people find blogging about the death of their baby(ies) a good way to cope, and meet other people in similar shoes. Experts say that keeping a journal may help one through the grieving process.

So, you want to blog, but don't know where to start? First you need to pick a blog hosting site. There are countless ones out there. Here at the DBC I use http://www.blogger.com/ because it is the only one I was familiar with at the onset of my blogging career. I was reading a blog hosted here, and decided to create a blog myself. There are other blog hosting sites such as http://www.livejournal.com/ and http://www.wordpress.com/ or http://www.typepad.com/ to name a few. You can type in "blog" on any search engine and get an extensive list of blog hosting sites.

Once you decide on a host, you need a blog title. For instance, my personal blog is titled "It Only Hurts When I Breathe". Then you'll need a blog address (also known as the URL). This can be the same or different as your blog title. My personal blog address is http://mystolenlight.blogspot.com/ though I now wish that I would have chosen the same name for both, just to keep things simple. Usually that's all you need to get started.

What the heck is a WIDGET? A Widget is a funky little tool you can use on your blog for many different things. Just about anything on the blog that isn't part of a post (a post is where you actually journal) is a widget. For example, Link Lists, Followers, Twitter, Blog Rolls, About Me, Counters, etc. Everyone has their own preference on what type of widgets, if any, they would like to have on their blog.

But it's ugly! There are many websites out there that offer html codes to help you spruce up your blog. They also offer instructions (most of the time). If you use MySpace you may already be aware of this feature. A few websites that offer blog background codes are http://www.thecutestblogontheblock.com/ and http://designerblogsbyerin.blogspot.com/ or http://www.scrapbookgraphics.com/ to mention a few.

Nobody is reading it! In order to get readers and/or "followers" (people who read your blog on a regular basis because they subscribe to the RSS feed) you'll need to be a good blog buddy and read, comment and follow other blogs. You can also post your blog link on catalog websites (http://www.blogcatalogue.com/ is one), Facebook, Twitter, MySpace or other forums.

Tweak the settings. There are many settings that you can tweak to suit your preferences such as allowing comments or not, receiving comment notifications, blogging from your phone or email, archiving, or allowing more than one person to post to the bog. There are many settings that can be played around with and the best way to learn is to explore.

There are lots of ways to make your blog interesting. You can add music, photo's, video's, Twitterings, Links, Blog Rolls and so much more. Some people just prefer the basics, and that's ok too. What ever makes you feel more comfortable.

Other sites with advice and info:
A list of Blog Directories

Dead Baby Book Reviews

Read a book dealing with Miscarriage, Stillbirth or Infant Loss?
Add your review of the book (including title and author) in the comment section below.

List of useful links from About.com on Pregnancy/Infant Loss

I borrowed these links from About.com though this is not the entire article. You can see the original article here. I'm sure I'm breaking some sort of copywrite laws, but I found these links to be a very useful tool here on the DBC blog, so though I don't condone stealing stuff from other websites, you'll have to forgive me.

Breaking the News of a Miscarriage or Stillbirth
Pregnancy loss is hard enough on you as the person experiencing it, but many people also struggle with how to inform friends, relatives, and coworkers of a recent miscarriage or stillbirth.

When Miscarriage Grief Becomes Depression
The signs and symptoms of depression are not that different from the signs of typical grief after a pregnancy loss. Thus, when you are grieving a miscarriage or pregnancy loss, it can be hard to tell whether or not you have developed clinical depression.

Naming Babies Lost to Miscarriage or Stillbirth
Some parents grieving a miscarriage find that naming the baby helps in coping with the pregnancy loss. The decision is personal and different people will have different preferences.

Down Syndrome and Miscarriage
A lesser known fact about Down syndrome (trisomy 21) is that the condition can sometimes cause miscarriage, as is revealed by chromosome tests. Researchers do not know why some babies with Down syndrome are miscarried while others survive to term.

Talking to Children About Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss
Many parents struggle with how to break the news of a miscarriage to their other children. Depending on your children's age, you may choose to explain everything about the pregnancy loss or to not tell them anything at all.

Coping with Unexplained Miscarriage or Stillbirth
More often than not, doctors have no clear answers for why a specific pregnancy loss happened. They know much about general miscarriage causes but can rarely pinpoint an explanation for individual miscarriages and stillbirths, and sometimes this can be hard to accept.

Handling Insensitive Comments from Friends and Relatives After a Miscarriage
Almost everyone who has been through a miscarriage knows about the hurtful and insensitive comments that others can make. Sometimes you can help to educate friends and relatives about what to say to someone who has had a pregnancy loss, but other times you may want to avoid people who make ignorant comments.

What to Do If Your Friend Miscarries While You Are Pregnant
If you are currently pregnant but have a friend going through a miscarriage or stillbirth, here are some important things to keep in mind when you talk to her.

Ultrasound Accuracy for Diagnosing Congenital Birth Defects
Ultrasounds can be fairly accurate for catching certain congenital birth defects, but it cannot provide a guarantee that the baby has no malformations or health conditions. Similarly, an ultrasound can occasionally show a false positive.

October 15th - National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day
Did you know that October 15 is a national remembrance day for miscarriage and pregnancy loss and that October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month? Here's what you can do during the month to remember your baby or spread awareness of pregnancy loss.

What to Say When a Friend or Relative Has Had a Pregnancy Loss
After a miscarriage or pregnancy loss, your friend or relative needs your support. Learn what to say, what to avoid doing, and how you can give your friend or relative space if she needs to grieve the loss of her pregnancy.

Six Things You Can Do to Help Spread Awareness of Pregnancy Loss and Miscarriage
If you feel the call to do something to help support miscarriage and pregnancy loss awareness and research after the experience of your own miscarriage, here are six suggestions.

Chemical Pregnancy or Clinical Pregnancy?
Chemical pregnancy is a potentially confusing term for a very early miscarriage. Here's how to understand the difference between a chemical pregnancy and a clinical pregnancy, and why you might hear the term clinical miscarriage.

How to Cope with Baby Shower Invitations After a Miscarriage
Attending baby showers after a miscarriage can be deeply painful. Here's what to do if you are receiving baby shower invitations while grieving a miscarriage.

Research on the Link Between Stress and Miscarriages
Take a look at the different research studies that have examined a link between pregnancy stress and miscarriages.

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My Baby Died, What Now?

My baby died, what now? Those are the words I kept hearing in my head the first week after my son Logan was stillborn. What do I do now? What do I do with the memories, the tears, the broken heart, the hopes and dreams and the stuff! I still don't know everything about what to do when ones baby dies, but having been there I do know what I did, what I wish I'd have done and that I want to know what others did or would have done. Below you will find some suggestions that I have com across, and please feel free to add your own (using the comment section at the bottom). The end of this article has a few links to articles on other sites that might be worth checking out.

In the back of the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting" there is a section titled "When Something Goes Wrong". Morbid to say the least. I didn't read this section with my first child, to afraid of what could go wrong. But with my second child I did brave the murky waters and read this section. Two weeks later something did go wrong, very wrong. I remembered most of what I had read. Horrible things like that stick with you I guess. Here is a list of things they say you should do to help you cope. However; everyone is different and though this is what the book recommends, it may not necessarily be what is right for you. You should never feel pressured to do anything you do not want to do. Doing so, in the end, may do more harm than good. Some people feel more traumatized by holding their dead child, other's find peace and closure in it. You will know what is right for you. And remember not to push your spouse to do anything they don't feel comfortable with as this may just cause resentment later on. You have enough to deal with, with out adding to it. Retyping this entire section would be daunting to say the least, so this is just an overview. If you would like to read the entire section it is under the title "Coping With Pregnancy Loss"
  1. See and hold your baby (if it's possible).
  2. Name your baby.
  3. Get an Autopsy, and discuss the findings with your doctor.
  4. Ask not to be sedated (if possible).
  5. Take photos (or ask the nurses too) and save bracelets, a lock of hair, foot & hand prints, crib tags and/or any other tangible memento.
  6. Focus on the positive attributes of your child (big eyes, long lashes, lots of hair, Daddy's nose).
  7. Cry
  8. Expect a difficult time, depression, intense sadness, sleeplessness, etc.
  9. Recognize that daddy is grieving too, but may appear shorter and/or less intense.
  10. Don't face the world alone. Have a friend fieled the difficult questions about your baby.
  11. Expect that friends and family may not know what to say and may withdraw for a while.
  12. Expect your pain to lessen over time. The grieving process is often not fully completed for as long as two years, but the worst is usually over within 6 months. Be aware that the pain may never go away entirely.
  13. Seek support. Either through online friends (like other mommies in blog land), support groups or therapy.
  14. Limit the use of sedatives (pills, booze, whatever).
  15. Turn to religion if you find it comforting.
  16. Don't expect that having another baby will resolve any grief.
  17. Recognize that quilt can compound grief.

Other dead baby parents and experts say this:

  1. Blog. Blog your heart out. Some like to do this anonymously.
  2. Read other blogs from parents who've lost a baby.
  3. Make a cast or mold of your child, their face, hands, feet...anything.
  4. Take pictures of you holding your child
  5. Take pictures of each body part, naked (since the staff may not know what you'll want to remember).
  6. Remember you probably have a camera on your cell phone.
  7. Tell people via email instead of in person.
  8. Baptize your baby, or have them blessed.
  9. Take time off of work (Daddies too!)
  10. Scrapbook
  11. Keep a journal.
  12. Write your baby letters.
  13. Write poetry, music or create art in memory of your baby.
  14. Plant a Tree or Garden in Memory of your baby.
  15. Get a piece of jewelery with your child's name or birthstone.
  16. Get your child's name written in the sand or a name print or similar.
  17. Name a Star after your baby.
  18. Have a memorial service or funeral.
  19. Get an urn or special box for your child's ashes.
  20. Postpone major decisions (like moving, getting rid of a pet, getting a pet, switching jobs)
  21. Talk to your partner, and then talk some more. No one "gets it" like they do.
  22. Get a lot of sleep, eat right and exercise (nothing burns of anger like cardio).
  23. Join a support group
  24. Get a new hobby or obsession (like blogging, scrapbooking, golf, creating memory boxes or afghans to donate to a hospital for other baby loss families)
  25. Be prepared for ignorant and insensitive comments and then dismiss them.
  26. Don't be afraid to tell people you're the parent of a dead baby.
  27. Don't feel obligated to explain or offer details.
  28. Attend a memorial event often offered by the hospital or local organization.
  29. Celebrate your child's birthday
  30. Create a special place in your home for your child's memories

Websites with similar articles

The 5 Stages of Grief

As many people who are nose deep in grief have assuredly heard, there is a theory that there are five stages of grief. Some argue seven. Some even say that we go through the stages, sometimes in a different order, and usually repeat a few or experience them at the same time. There is a lot of speculation on the topic. Below is an article on the Kübler-Ross model that deals mainly with folks who are dying themselves, but has been widely accepted to include those involved in any catastrophic loss (such as the death of a child). At the bottom of the article you will find links to other articles or sites that seem relevant. Please note that "the views and opinions stated in this article may not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of this blog" yada, yada. You get the point, I'm just trying to offer up some info to help us all make a little more sense of what we are experiencing.


The Kübler-Ross model, commonly known as the five stages of grief, was first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book "On Death and Dying". It describes, in five discrete stages, a process by which people allegedly deal with grief and tragedy, especially when diagnosed with a terminal illness or catastrophic loss. In addition to this, her book brought mainstream awareness to the sensitivity required for better treatment of individuals who are dealing with a fatal disease.

1) Denial:
Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of situations and individuals that will be left behind after death.
Example - "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
2) Anger:
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected resentment and jealousy.
Example - "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"
3) Bargaining:
The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the person is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just have more time..."
Example - "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
4) Depression:
During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect themself from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer an individual up that is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
Example - "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die . . . What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
5) Acceptance:
This final stage comes with peace and understanding of the death that is approaching. Generally, the person in the fifth stage will want to be left alone. Additionally, feelings and physical pain may be non-existent. This stage has also been described as the end of the dying struggle.
Example - "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to people suffering from terminal illness, and later to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). This may also include significant life events such as the death of a loved one, divorce, drug addiction, or an infertility diagnosis. Kübler-Ross also claimed these steps do not necessarily come in the order noted above, nor are all steps experienced by all patients, though she stated a person will always experience at least two. Often, people will experience several stages in a "roller coaster" effect - switching between two or more stages, returning to one or more several times before working through it. Significantly, people experiencing the stages should not force the process. The grief process is highly personal and should not be rushed, nor lengthened, on the basis of an individual's imposed time frame or opinion. One should merely be aware that the stages will be worked through and the ultimate stage of "Acceptance" will be reached. However, there are individuals that struggle with death until the end. Some psychologists believe that the harder a person fights death, they are more likely to stay in the denial stage. If this is the case, it is possible the ill person will have more difficulty dying in a dignified way. Other psychologists state that not confronting death until the end is adaptive for some people. Those that experience problems working through the stages should consider professional grief counseling or support groups.

According to Robert Kastenbaum, there are some problems with Kübler-Ross theory:

The five-stage sequence had not been demonstrated by Kübler-Ross or independent research (although the Yale study found some consistencies).
The stage interpretation neglected the patients' situations (relationship support, effects of illnesses, etc.) and how they could affect the cycle.

Cultural Relevance
A dying individual's approach to death has been linked to the amount of meaning and purpose a person has found throughout their lifetime. A study of 160 people with less than three months to live showed that those who felt they understood their purpose in life, or found special meaning, faced less fear and despair, in the final weeks of their lives than those who had not. In this and similar studies, spirituality helped dying individuals deal with the depression stage more aggressively than those who were not spiritual.

A 2000-2003 study of bereaved individuals conducted by Yale University obtained some findings that were consistent with the five-stage theory and others that were inconsistent with it.[2] In 2008, Skeptic Magazine published the findings of the Grief Recovery Institute, which contested the concept of stages of grief as they relate to people who are dealing with the deaths of people important to them.[3]

[edit] References
1.^ a b c d e f g h i j k l Santrock, J.W. (2007). A Topical Approach to Life-Span Development. New York, NY: McGraw-Hill
2.^ Maciejewski, P. K. (2007, Feb 21). JAMA. Retrieved April 14, 2009. Web Site
3.^ Friedman and James, R. and J.W. (2008).
The Myth of the Stages of Dying, Death and Grief. Skeptic Magazine, 14, Retrieved 2008.

Further reading
Kubler-Ross, E (1973) On Death and Dying, Routledge, ISBN 0415040159
Kubler-Ross, E (2005) On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss, Simon & Schuster Ltd, ISBN 0743263448
Scire, P (2007). "Applying Grief Stages to Organizational Change."
An Attributional Analysis of Kübler-Ross' Model of Dying, by Mark R Brent. Harvard University, 1981.
An Evaluation of the Relevance of the Kübler-Ross Model to the Post-injury Responses of Competitive Athletes, by Johannes Hendrikus Van der Poel, University of the Free State. Published by s.n, 2000.

This article was taken from Wikepedia.


Blogs from a Pregnant Mommy, and Post Phoenix Baby Perspective

This is a blog directory of mom's who are currently pregnant or have delivered a child after a previous baby loss. Often times conceiving a child after the loss of another can be an especially difficult and/or emotional pregnancy. These blogs are from women who are either experiencing, or who have experienced, a Phoenix Baby (also known as a Rainbow Baby) pregnancy and the unique emotions often times involved.
  1. Blessings From Above Ty was stillborn at 34 weeks on 01/26/09
    Mother to one older child and a Phoenix Baby due in Jan 2010
  2. My Life After Loss Twins Nicholas who died on 02/01/08 and Sophia on 02/16/08
    and Alexander who died on 11/23/08
    Mother to Phoenix Twins born 09/10/09
  3. Waves Over Stones Blaine was born into the arms of Jesus on April 13th 2010, we are now journeying through the pregnancy of our Pheonix baby Caleb, due May 26th 2011.
  4. Dot's Diner Subsequent pregnancy after the loss of her daughter Acacia to Trisomy 18 in September 2009
  5. My World Author blogs about the loss of her daughter, Cara, to pre eclampsia syndrome and her subsequent pregnancy with her Rainbow Carter.
  6. Missing Olivia Author is pregnant with her fourth baby and is the mother of 3 angels

If you would like to submit a blog written by a dead baby momma
simply add it in the comment section.

Also, if there is a misprint, please accept my apologies
and inform me ASAP!

Monday, July 13, 2009

We're on Twitter & Facebook

You can now follow us on Twitter. Twitter will be used to announce changes, updates and events as they arise in respect to this blog. Our name on Twitter is @thedeadbabyclub, but that's kind of obvious. There is also a Tweet-roll on the sidebar of the blog.

We also have a Facebook Group now. You can search for us in the groups tab. The group name is called The Dead Baby Club (again, I am captain obvious!) there too.

Pen Pal Volunteers

One of the ways I have personaly been able to cope is through the use of a DBM/D Pen Pal. I have both a mom and a dad that I email when I need to talk about Logan and grieve in a setting other than on a blog. It's been a blessing to be able to have a one on one with others who are in similar shoes, to hear about their struggles, to ask questions, to offer comfort to them and to relate to. I would like to try to offer such a service through the DBC blog. So, we need volunteers; memebers of the club who don't mind sharing an email address (which will not be posted for the world to gain access through but be added to a private list for my eyes alone) that I can contact them through with contact info for a member who would like a pen pal. If you would like to make yourself available to take on a friend or two, please contact me via email here at the DBC and I will add you to my private list.

Contact The Dead Baby Club

Songs that Comfort

This is a list of songs and music that have given members of the DBC comfort, or songs they can relate to. We've added a music player, but not all songs are available for use with the player. You can add to our playlist for the music player, or you can submit a song to our comfort list (a link to the lyrics or another site that hosts the song would be nice). We also encourage music you have written to be submitted (a link to hear your song would be nice if it's available).

Comfort Song List
Address in the Stars - Caitlin & Will
Held - Natalie Grant
He's My Son - Mark Shultz
Cry on my Shoulder - Overflow
Homesick - Mercy Me
You Wouldn't Cry (Andrew's Song) - Mandisa
I Still Miss You - Keith Anderson
Living for the Night - George Straight
If Your Going Through Hell - Rodney Atkins
Angel - Robbie Williams
Shelter in the Rain - Stevie Wonder
Smile - Chris Rice
Hold My heart - Tenth Avenue North (Lyrics UA)

We've added a music player

We've added a music player (thanks Mary)! One that you can add appropriate songs too (which we reserve the right to edit). You can add songs to our playlist by clicking here. Please make sure the music works and sounds good. You can view the music player at the bottom of the home screen. The idea of the music playlist is to have songs that you relate to, or that have given you comfort in your grief. They do not need to be cheery songs, add what you feel (though nothing obscene please). You can also add a suggestion in the comments field below. Unfortunately not all songs are available on the playlist site that hosts our player, but they have a pretty large library.

Remember these days

This month is Mia's Birthday (07/12) and Freyja's Birthday (7/26). You can view their mommies contact info (if it's been made available) on the calendar if you would like to send them a personal note. Please keep these families in your thoughts and prayers as this is an especially difficult time for them.

Friday, July 10, 2009

The Dead Baby Club Calendar

There is now a Due Date & Birthday/Anniversary Calendar available here at the bottom of the DBC blog. Once your child's name is added to the Memory List then their Birthday/Anniversary will automatically be added. If your due date has yet to arrive, post the date in a comment (along with your blog if you have one) and I will be sure to add it to the calendar ASAP. It is my hopes that the calendar will let us know when these special days come around so that we can all come together and add a little extra comfort and support to the families. If you click on the child's name in the calendar (or hover with your arrow) the blog address or contact info will pop up. If you have a google account (which you do if you blog with blogger.com) you can add the calendar to your own calendar page (if you don't know how to do this send me an email). Feel free to add your child's birthday/anniversary, your due date, or any other day you think would be appropriate.

Question of the Week

Every Friday I will post a new question of the week. Leave your answers in the comment section below, or answer on your blog, but be sure to give us a link!

The day after your child died, what did you do?


Thursday, July 9, 2009

What's that mean?? (a dictionary)

This is a sort of "dictionary" to help explain phrases and abbreviations commonly seen on blogs dealing with dead babies. Please feel free to add to it or let me know if I am wrong on something (using the comment section below).

Dead Baby Mommy/Daddy : Mommy or Daddy of a dead baby of any form (miscarriage, stillbirth, infant death, etc.)

DBM/DBD: Dead Baby Mommy / Dead baby Daddy

Phoenix Baby/Rainbow Baby: Subsequent pregnancy/baby following the loss of a previous pregnancy/baby.

Someone who "gets it": Those people who have experienced baby loss in some form.

IRL: In Real Life

DH/DD/DS: Dear Husband/Daughter/Son etc.

MIL/FIL/SIL/BIL: Mother-in-law, etc.

Stillborn: A child born dead, usually after 20 weeks gestation (or if you "delivered" at any stage).

Chemical Pregnancy: When the hormones are present and you're "pregnant" but no "baby" can be detected.

Induced: When labor is forced into starting using medical means.

Baby loss: Same as dead baby.

Blogosphere/Blogland: The eCommunity of blogs.

IVF: Invetro Fertilization

The Club: The Club you belong to if you have a dead baby.

Angelversary: The anniversary of a child's death who was born alive.

Warning - Contains a Dead Baby (a directory)

This is a list of movies, books and other media that are known to contain a miscarriage, stillbirth, dead baby, abortion or anything else that might feel like a kick in the gut in you're not prepared. This may ruin a few things for you, so be forewarned. Please add to the list using the comment section below. Be sure to include the title and what the warning is for.

Revolutionary Road - A self inflicted Abortion seems to be the main focus of the movie.
The Curious Tale of Benjamin Button - Shows a baby die at the end.
Marley & Me - Miscarriage
What Dreams May Come - The main focus is about the mother's inability to grasp her children's death, and her husbands inability to help his wife.
Battle in Seattle - Stillbirth
Blue Planet - A baby whale is attacked and killed and it shows the mother mourning, very sad!
Up! - Digital Short has storks delivering baby.  In the movie Carl and his wife learn they have either lost a baby or they can't have one.

TV Shows:
HawthoRNe - One episode in Season 1 shows a mother leave her 3 month old in the car and she dies.  THEY SHOW IT!
Rescue Me

Twilight by Stephanie Meyer - A quick reference to Esme's dead baby.
Breaking Dawn by Stephanie Meyer - Talk of "getting rid of" a baby and other leery conversations that might make a DBM uneasy.
Handle With Care by Jodi Picoult - The baby dies at the end, a lot of abortion issues about a child with a terminal outlook.
Host by Stephanie Meyer - Mutilated alien babies, but she reacts quite strongly.

Article - Stillbirth: Handling the Tragedy and Raising Awareness

An article published in the Washington Post, well...more of a question and answer thing with staff writter Alan Goldenbach who also had a stillborn child.

Stillbirth: Handling the Tragedy and Raising Awareness
a Question and Answer Session
July 7, 2009

Article - Father First, Senator Second

This article was published in the Washington Post.

Father First, Senator Second
For Rick Santorum, Polictics Could Hardly Get More Personal
By Mark Leibovich
April 18, 2005

The article is about Senetor Santorum and his wifes baby loss.

Blogs from Daddy's Perspective, a Directory

  1. Once in a Lifetime

  2. We Have a Device for That

If you'd like to submit a blog written by a dead baby daddy simply add it in the comment section.

Blogs from the Sibling's Perspective

There are currently no known blogs written from the perspective of a sibling of a dead baby.
If you would like to submit a blog written by a sibling about the death of their sibling please add the blog name and location in the comment section below. This can be written by a child, but is not exclusive to children.

Blogs from Mommy's Perspective, a Directory

  1. It Only Hurts When I Breathe Logan, due to complications with Down Sydrome, was stillborn at 6 months on 01/24/09 Mother to an older daughter

  2. Nobody Knows It But Me How I'm Missing Lukas Lukas died on 01/30/09 from an illness, 23 days after his birth.

  3. Burble George was stillborn at 5 months on 10/20/08

  4. Nicholas' Touch Nicholas was stillborn at 33 weeks on 11/07/08

  5. Blessings From Above Ty was stillborn at 34 weeks on 01/26/09 Mother to one older child and a Phoenix Baby due in Jan 2010

  6. Once a Mother Peyton died from Infant Leukemia at 28 days old on 10/02/08

  7. Just a Diamond in the Rough Collin was stillborn at 33 weeks, 4 days on 08/09/08

  8. Viva La Vivi Vivienne died at 9 1/2 months due to cancer on 02/12/09

  9. Busy Hands George Patrick Andrew was stillborn full term 05/19/09 Mother to 4 older children.

  10. From My Point of View Levi was stillborn at 36 weeks on 4/30/09 Mother to an older son.

  11. Caring for Carleigh Carleigh McKenna was stillborn at 37 wks on 03/28/09 She had anencephaly.

  12. Jasper, Forever Our First Born Jasper was born pre-mature due to his mother's pre-eclampsiam, IUGR and HELLP on 03/04/09 and died at 2 days old on 03/06/09

  13. Epic Fail Joel was stillborn at 40 weeks on 05/28/09 Mother to an older son.
If you would like to submit a blog written by a dead baby momma simply add it in the comment section. Also, if there is a misprint, please accept my apologies and inform me ASAP!

In Memory of Our Babies

This is a memory list of our babies.
Children who came and went so quickly.

Logan David, Michigan, USA 01/24/09
Lukas John aka Wubba, IL, USA 01/30/09
Leila Mae, Ohio, USA 05/21/09
Tessa Marie, Washington, USA 01/26/09-02/07/09
Mia Victoria, Germany 07/12/07-04/24/08
Freyja Ione, Australia, 07/25/06
Kees Henry, Netherlands, 02/01/08-03/21/08
Collin Michael, California, USA 08/09/08
Ireland Lila, British Columbia, Canada 03/14/09
Isla Michaela, Ontario, Canada 07/01/09
Owen Anil, Maryland, USA 01/31/09
Vivienne Esme, Tennessee, USA 02/17/09
Bridgitte Faith, New York, USA 4/10/09
Ashlyn Olivia, New York, USA 5/2/09
Carleigh McKenna, Ohio, USA 03/28/09
Eric Martin, Maine, USA 12/15/08
Jasper Thomas, Florida, USA 03/04/09 - 03/06/09
Ella Rose, Illinois,USA 09/15/09
Baby Bean, Minnesota, USA 05/26/09
Baby Steven, Canberra, Australia 04/12/97
Baby Lou, Canberra, Australia 1996
Sydney Alexis, Missouri, USA 02/10/09

If you would like to have your child's name added to the memory list, please leave a comment with their name, location and date of death and they will be added to the list ASAP.

Guest Book

Sign our guest book!!

You can leave your foot print by using the comment section below.

Feel free to leave info about who you are and if you have a dead baby blog (which you may also add to our directory).