Safe Blogging

This is part one of a series I am working on regarding navigating social media after baby loss.  In lieu of some recent disturbing events I thought the first post should be on internet safety.  It may seem a little disjointed to do the safety one first and then do "how to's" later but for me, being safe online and keeping my kids safe online is the first consideration to make when deciding to blog or jump into FB or any other media.

We all want to make a meaningful connection after losing a child.  For some of us, including myself, online friendships are sometimes the only way to keep your child's memory alive.  The sisters you make online are the ones that remember special dates, cry with you, share with you, heal with you.  I have said time and time again that I am indebted to all of the women who reached out to me after I lost Blaine.  Who shared their children with me and who said to me "your son matters."  So, how do we open ourselves up to the gifts while keeping ourselves safe from the harm?

What are some things you need to be aware of and concerned about when sharing your life and story online?  

Identity theft: how many times have we come across a woman pretending to have lost a child?  They steal photos, stories, and any details they can to make it their own and pretend to be someone their not.

Online predators:  A mom on a FB group said that she checked her blogger stats and was getting traffic from an adult site.  Another said that she looked at the terms used to search her blog and it included adult content.  What is disturbing is that they were searching for something related to child porn and somehow the search engine gave her blog as a suggested site.  I was on a message board once and this mom used to share tons of pics of her daughter and also lots of personal information.  I didn't even live in the same Province as her but I was able to figure out where they lived.  Scary!

Trolls:  I swear some people have nothing to do but search for things they disagree with and then start arguments about it!  I find it best to ignore ignore ignore.  If you feed the troll it will keep coming back.  They are usually harmless and are just looking for attention.  Delete them, disregard them and they will go on to the next site.

Here are some tips I've gathered from various sites which can help you to keep yourself and your family safe.  Please feel free to comment with any tips of your own or any experiences you've had.  Happy and safe connecting! 

Disable right click:

You need the HTML code, one can be found here.  You go to "Add a Page Element" on Blogger and paste in the code.  The code says "function disabled" but you can change that to your own message like "hands off!"   This is not foolproof as people can still do a screen shot and take a screen capture if they want.  I have not tested this.

Watermarking: 

This is good if you want to copyright something but it doesn't do anything to keep people from just stealing the photo.  Here is a youtube video on how to watermark.  Again, I have not tested this.

Change security settings:

Go to your settings on blogger.  From there you can change who can comment, enable comment moderation, and change whether or not your blog is "searchable."  

General tips

Keep in mind that whatever is public on the internet is really really public.  Anyone can see it.  Do you want everyone in the world to know that you and your child are going to be at Walmart Tuesday at 2:30pm?  
Keeping yourself and your family safe is the number one priority.  

Updates

Wow, over 100 pageviews today and over 120 yesterday!!  Thank you for visiting and for inspiring me to start updating.

I'll be updating the resources we link to here so if you have anything you'd like to see or any sites you'd like to share please comment.

4 comments on the last post but 44 pageviews, c'mon!!  Don't be shy.  We would love to hear about your babies and anything that you have found helpful/healing on this journey.

Resource for Friends

Came across this on FB and thought I'd share

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.corasstory.org%2F2012%2F02%2Ffree-ebook-when-friends-baby-dies.html&h=2AQH8_9QqAQFAT8HDgii71TFNBnqNHrVlacqVXEZ20ZQ0zg

Approaching Gloom or Joy?

Whether you celebrate religiously or not, Christmas can be a tough time after the loss of a loved one, especially a child.  All of the expectations you had of the season; the family events you attend, minus one; questions from insensitive people or people who don't know about your loss; wanting to escape or be alone.  Many of us deal with one or all of these issues.  Here are some tips I found on various sites.  Feel free to comment with your own tips.

http://www.opentohope.com/?post=surviving-the-holidays

http://sids-network.org/survhol.htm

www.griefshare.org/holidays

Baby and Infant Urns

According to Blogger Stats, one of the main reasons people find this blog is because they are searching for baby or infant urns.  Incredibly sad.  I always say, I hate that you have to be here but I'm glad you are.  I decided to do a post on different sites that offer cremain products and some creative ones that I've found.  Please feel free in the comment section to add your own choices.  Here is a link to our original post on baby urns.

Choosing a cremation product for your child is one of the hardest and most important things you will ever do as a bereaved parent.  For most of us it will be the final resting place for our children's ashes.  There are so many things to think of.  You want something that will reflect your personality, your family and what the child meant to you.  Maybe you want to include something that reminds you of your child such as butterflies or rainbows or a cartoon character.  Most manufacturers of cremain products understand this and so have huge varieties to offer.  You also want to look at how well the product will stand up over time.  The quality of the product.  Do you want something to bury or keep at home?  For me personally I could not stand the thought of being away from my son's ashes.  When I first brought him home I slept with the box.  I had the idea to just carry them around in my purse but that didn't seem right.  I decided on a pendant urn.  A pendant urn is a necklace.  You fill it with the cremains and then seal it and you wear it.  Here is a photo of the one I purchased...

It was purchased from a website, "In the Light Urns."
For some, unfortunately, price is an issue.  It was for me.  I had to find something I loved for under $200.  Almost all manufacturers offer many inexpensive choices.  If price is not an issue you can purchase customized urns as well, in almost any imaginable design or material. 

Here are some sites I have come across, some may be duplicated from our original post...

http://www.tootallspottery.com/Products/Urns/Urns1.html
http://www.inthelighturns.com/
http://www.urns.net/Infant-Urns-information.php
http://www.everlifememorials.com/v/urns/infant-urns.htm
http://www.evrmemories.com/infant-cremation-urns-s/316.htm

September's Feature: Mikayla's Grace

Baby girl Mikayla Grace lived a brief 36 hours on this earth. From that short and beautiful life Mikayla's Grace was inspired.

From their website:

Mikayla's Grace Inc. is a 501c3 non-profit to support families with a baby in the NICU and those who experience the death of an infant at Madison Area hospitals by providing NICU care packages and angel memory boxes that offer both practical and emotional support for the parents. Our first donation was to St. Mary's Hospital in Madison, Wisconsin where our daughter Mikayla was born. In memory of Mikayla's first Heavenly birthday on June 24, 2011 we donated 12 Angel memory boxes, 20 NICU care packages, 66 books, and 28 gowns with matching booties and hats. We are currently working on our goal to donate another 20 angel memory boxes and 20 NICU care packages in October 2011.

Mikayla's Grace just completed it's first Facebook auction. The auction raised funds for the first ever Forever in our Hearts Remembrance Day on October 15th. It was a great success. Proceeds from the event will go towards making Mikayla Grace's NICU and Angel Memory Care Boxes. Some of the items included in these care packages are: disposable cameras, journals, teddy bears, candles, sympathy card and much more. Most of us know how much these items can mean to us in our time of great need. Many of us go to the hospital completely unprepared, not even knowing we are about to lose our child. When I lost Blaine I had no idea what to do. I wish these resources had of been offered to me.

Please take a moment to check out Mikayla's Grace website and Facebook page. Questions: what were key items you wish you had of had at the hospital? What were you thankful to have? Have you made any donations of care packages and if so what did you include?

Suggested Read or Holiday Gift Idea

A new book, shared to us from Rowman & Littlefield Publishers

"They Were Still Born is a thoughtful and intimate volume written with first hand accounts of stillbirths to help heal and guide others who must deal with this heartbreak. Stillbirth, defined as the death of an infant between 20 weeks gestation and birth, is a tragedy repeated 30,000 times every year in the United States . That means more than 80 mothers a day feel their babies slip silently from their bodies, the only sound in the delivery room their own sobs. Eighty stillborn babies a day means heartbroken families mourn the death of children who will never breathe, gurgle, learn to walk or go to school.
In 2006, author Janel Atlas became one of those mothers who left the hospital with empty arms; her second daughter, Beatrice Dianne, was stillborn at 36 weeks. Reaching out for comfort, she realized a dire need shared by so many others like her and so was born a collection of new essays by writers each sharing their firsthand experiences with stillbirth. Not limited to mothers, she has selected mothers, fathers, and grandparents, all of whom have first person narratives to offer readers. Grieving parents will turn to the book for the comfort of knowing they are not alone on this painful path, for validation of their babies' lives, and for guidance from those who have gone before them. Finally, They Were Still Born will inspire readers to write their own stories, as well as show them how to do so.
No parent- or grandparent-to-be sets out planning to purchase They Were Still Born. Unfortunately, there will always be readers-devastated, grieving, and searching for voices to help them through-who need it."

Do you have any book suggestions OR holiday gift ideas for bereaved parents or family?

November's Featured Blog: TTC After Loss

I think it is a natural inclination after the loss of a baby to try and try again. It's seems almost instinctual, the desire to procreate, especially after losing a child. Losing a child is after all unnatural. It goes against the very nature of our beings. There is no word for a bereaved parent except just that "bereaved." To share a bit of my personal story, my husband and I lost our son April 13th 2010. We started trying again at the end of May after my next period. It was desperate. I went online and calculated when I would ovulate. There was no romance involved. The conversation went something like this "okay dear I'm ovulating Tuesday to Thursday make sure you're home to make a deposit." That was our code word "deposit." I think most blogs I read from other BLM's involve a dash of TTC. No one seems to be immune from it. This month instead of choosing a blog I've chosen a website. The group at Grieve Out Loud have done a pretty extensive questionnaire and expose on TTC After Loss. Several BLM's filled out and submitted a very personal questionnaire ranging on everything from the emotional aspects of TTC to what sex is like to medical complications to TTC'ing. Part one is posted on the website now with more parts to follow in the future weeks. It is a great read for anyone who is on any part of the TTC journey, from thinking about it, to actively trying to enjoying your subsequent pregnancy.
Grieve Out Loud also has an extensive list of resources and a penpal program so if you have not already checked them out you may want to head over.
Please share in the comments any other sites or blogs you have found resourceful on the TTC topic.

December's Featured Blog Topic will be Subsequent Pregnancy or Rainbow Babies or Pheonix Babies, whatever you choose to call it. Please see the page on the top left corner if you would like to submit a blog to be featured...and please do!! I've had some suggestions but I know there are more readers then suggestions (based on convienient Blogger stats!) received and I'd really like to be choosing blogs that you all want to hear about.

September's Feature: Making Connections

Nicole and her husband Daniel lost their precious daughter Avery Nicole at 25 weeks on March 13th 2010. Avery Nicole was born sleeping due to MTHFR C677T and Factor II G20210A, both blood clotting disorders. Nicole began blogging in June as a way to cope with her loss and to channel her thoughts and feelings. Since starting her own blog, The Avery Diaries, http://myaverynicole.blogspot.com/, Nicole has discovered the huge and hugely supportive community of bereaved parents. A community quick to lend support or a shoulder to cry on. Wanting to do more to reach out to these other parents Nicole set up a new blog aptly titled "BLM Penpals." It is nothing fancy or expensive. Just a group of mostly mom's lending support and encouragement specifically on the days when we need it the most, i.e. due dates and special occasions. Imagine how it feels to walk to your mailbox and see a note or a card from another parent who happened to be thinking of you that week. I myself as a member also find it exciting to go out and look for little trinkets or cards that remind me of the women I spend so much time with online. Nicole has done an amazing job in honouring her daughters life and in reaching out to make connections with other parents. Please go over and check out her blog. Please feel free to leave any supportive comments here for Nicole and if you are interested you can find the information for the BLM Penpal program on Nicole's personal blog. Feel free to share with us any other links you've found helpful in making connections within the community.

October's Feature: Multiple Loss

Please submit nominations on the topic of multiple losses. What blog have you found to be the most helpful? If you are interested in submitting a blog please review the new page "Featured Monthly Blog Submittions" for rules and deadlines.

Ways to Memorialize Your Baby

After my son Logan died I found that I was desperate to find ways for him to "leave his mark" on this earth, physically.  One of the things that I did was to plant a tree in is honor in a local park.  You can see that here.  I also had a name print done and had his name written in the sand by Carly (many parents print this photo off and hang it on their wall) and had a necklace made with his name and Angelversary on it by a fellow DBM.  There are so many ways in which we can memorialize our children.  Here are a few more:

Cremation Keepsake Jewelry

Teddy Babies

Memorial Rocks

Name a Star

Donate to Share in your childs name

Donate or Walk for March of Dimes in your childs name

Reborn Doll

Keepsake Box

Memory Blanket (from your childs clothes)

Baby Memory Book

Custom Photo Book

Have your childs portrait Sketched 

Handprint/Footprint Jewelery

Shirts

Angel Gifts

Birth Record Baby Shoe

Memorial Tear Bottles

Forget Me Knot Memorial Box

Angel Pics (free Photo Retouching for Stillborn Babies)

Handdrawn Portriat

Pottery

The Kindness Project

Remember Baby Book

Personalized Ornament

Grave Markers

Memorial Garden Bench

Some folks like to plant gardens or a specific plant, make stepping stones, create a water pond or have an area put aside especially for the belongings of their angel baby.  Many local places allow you to purchase bricks or plaques in memory or your child(ren), places like your local library, school, activity center, church or park.  Here are a few other nice ideas.  If you did something, bought something, or heard about something that you think would be beneficial for another grieving family, please do share.

Baby Urns (Website List)

I have to admit that I was shocked when my son's ashes showed up in a plastic bowl in the mail. For some reason I assumed he'd arrive in a little urn. So, though I do not endorse any of these websites, here is a short list of websites that sell Infant Urns for our little angels, to help get you started. Check with a local Funeral Home and see if they can transition the ashes for you, if you'd like.

Memorials

Perfect Memorials

Memorial-Urns

In the Light Urns

Artisan Memorials

Mainely Urns

Eternity Cremation Urns

Infinity Cremation Urns

Urns Northwest

Holy Urns

Custom Urns

Father's Grieving Infant Loss Blog

I came across this blog today and thought it was worth sharing.

Father's Grieving Infant Loss

from Tim Nelson, author of a Guide For Fathers - When a Baby Dies


Tim Nelson
My wife, Monica, and I suffered the full-term stillbirth of our second child, Kathleen. While that was a number of years ago, I have stayed connected to the issue through my writing and speaking on the topic of father's grief following the death of an infant. I, like many men, had trouble talking about my feelings after my daughter's death. I'm hoping this blog might be a place for dads to share their thoughts about what they are experiencing and find support from other dads.

I'd like to blog, but I don't know how.

Blogging is like an online journal. Lots of people find blogging about the death of their baby(ies) a good way to cope, and meet other people in similar shoes. Experts say that keeping a journal may help one through the grieving process.


So, you want to blog, but don't know where to start? First you need to pick a blog hosting site. There are countless ones out there. Here at the DBC I use http://www.blogger.com/ because it is the only one I was familiar with at the onset of my blogging career. I was reading a blog hosted here, and decided to create a blog myself. There are other blog hosting sites such as http://www.livejournal.com/ and http://www.wordpress.com/ or http://www.typepad.com/ to name a few. You can type in "blog" on any search engine and get an extensive list of blog hosting sites.

Once you decide on a host, you need a blog title. For instance, my personal blog is titled "It Only Hurts When I Breathe". Then you'll need a blog address (also known as the URL). This can be the same or different as your blog title. My personal blog address is http://mystolenlight.blogspot.com/ though I now wish that I would have chosen the same name for both, just to keep things simple. Usually that's all you need to get started.

What the heck is a WIDGET? A Widget is a funky little tool you can use on your blog for many different things. Just about anything on the blog that isn't part of a post (a post is where you actually journal) is a widget. For example, Link Lists, Followers, Twitter, Blog Rolls, About Me, Counters, etc. Everyone has their own preference on what type of widgets, if any, they would like to have on their blog.

But it's ugly! There are many websites out there that offer html codes to help you spruce up your blog. They also offer instructions (most of the time). If you use MySpace you may already be aware of this feature. A few websites that offer blog background codes are http://www.thecutestblogontheblock.com/ and http://designerblogsbyerin.blogspot.com/ or http://www.scrapbookgraphics.com/ to mention a few.

Nobody is reading it! In order to get readers and/or "followers" (people who read your blog on a regular basis because they subscribe to the RSS feed) you'll need to be a good blog buddy and read, comment and follow other blogs. You can also post your blog link on catalog websites (http://www.blogcatalogue.com/ is one), Facebook, Twitter, MySpace or other forums.

Tweak the settings. There are many settings that you can tweak to suit your preferences such as allowing comments or not, receiving comment notifications, blogging from your phone or email, archiving, or allowing more than one person to post to the bog. There are many settings that can be played around with and the best way to learn is to explore.

There are lots of ways to make your blog interesting. You can add music, photo's, video's, Twitterings, Links, Blog Rolls and so much more. Some people just prefer the basics, and that's ok too. What ever makes you feel more comfortable.

Other sites with advice and info:
A list of Blog Directories

Blog Hints

Daily Blog Tips

Blog Tips

Pro Blogger Blog Tips

Tips for New Bloggers

Blog Tips for a Better Blog

Dead Baby Book Reviews

Read a book dealing with Miscarriage, Stillbirth or Infant Loss?

Add your review of the book (including title and author) in the comment section below.

My Baby Died, What Now?

My baby died, what now? Those are the words I kept hearing in my head the first week after my son Logan was stillborn. What do I do now? What do I do with the memories, the tears, the broken heart, the hopes and dreams and the stuff! I still don't know everything about what to do when ones baby dies, but having been there I do know what I did, what I wish I'd have done and that I want to know what others did or would have done. Below you will find some suggestions that I have com across, and please feel free to add your own (using the comment section at the bottom). The end of this article has a few links to articles on other sites that might be worth checking out.


In the back of the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting" there is a section titled "When Something Goes Wrong". Morbid to say the least. I didn't read this section with my first child, to afraid of what could go wrong. But with my second child I did brave the murky waters and read this section. Two weeks later something did go wrong, very wrong. I remembered most of what I had read. Horrible things like that stick with you I guess. Here is a list of things they say you should do to help you cope. However; everyone is different and though this is what the book recommends, it may not necessarily be what is right for you. You should never feel pressured to do anything you do not want to do. Doing so, in the end, may do more harm than good. Some people feel more traumatized by holding their dead child, other's find peace and closure in it. You will know what is right for you. And remember not to push your spouse to do anything they don't feel comfortable with as this may just cause resentment later on. You have enough to deal with, with out adding to it. Retyping this entire section would be daunting to say the least, so this is just an overview. If you would like to read the entire section it is under the title "Coping With Pregnancy Loss"

1. See and hold your baby (if it's possible).
2. Name your baby.
3. Get an Autopsy, and discuss the findings with your doctor.
4. Ask not to be sedated (if possible).
5. Take photos (or ask the nurses too) and save bracelets, a lock of hair, foot & hand prints, crib tags and/or any other tangible memento.
6. Focus on the positive attributes of your child (big eyes, long lashes, lots of hair, Daddy's nose).
7. Cry
8. Expect a difficult time, depression, intense sadness, sleeplessness, etc.
9. Recognize that daddy is grieving too, but may appear shorter and/or less intense.
10. Don't face the world alone. Have a friend fieled the difficult questions about your baby.
11. Expect that friends and family may not know what to say and may withdraw for a while.
12. Expect your pain to lessen over time. The grieving process is often not fully completed for as long as two years, but the worst is usually over within 6 months. Be aware that the pain may never go away entirely.
13. Seek support. Either through online friends (like other mommies in blog land), support groups or therapy.
14. Limit the use of sedatives (pills, booze, whatever).
15. Turn to religion if you find it comforting.
16. Don't expect that having another baby will resolve any grief.
17. Recognize that quilt can compound grief.

Other dead baby parents and experts say this:

1. Blog. Blog your heart out. Some like to do this anonymously.
2. Read other blogs from parents who've lost a baby.
3. Make a cast or mold of your child, their face, hands, feet...anything.
4. Take pictures of you holding your child
5. Take pictures of each body part, naked (since the staff may not know what you'll want to remember).
6. Remember you probably have a camera on your cell phone.
7. Tell people via email instead of in person.
8. Baptize your baby, or have them blessed.
9. Take time off of work (Daddies too!)
10. Scrapbook
11. Keep a journal.
12. Write your baby letters.
13. Write poetry, music or create art in memory of your baby.
14. Plant a Tree or Garden in Memory of your baby.
15. Get a piece of jewelery with your child's name or birthstone.
16. Get your child's name written in the sand or a name print or similar.
17. Name a Star after your baby.
18. Have a memorial service or funeral.
19. Get an urn or special box for your child's ashes.
20. Postpone major decisions (like moving, getting rid of a pet, getting a pet, switching jobs)
21. Talk to your partner, and then talk some more. No one "gets it" like they do.
22. Get a lot of sleep, eat right and exercise (nothing burns of anger like cardio).
23. Join a support group
24. Get a new hobby or obsession (like blogging, scrapbooking, golf, creating memory boxes or afghans to donate to a hospital for other baby loss families)
25. Be prepared for ignorant and insensitive comments and then dismiss them.
26. Don't be afraid to tell people you're the parent of a dead baby.
27. Don't feel obligated to explain or offer details.
28. Attend a memorial event often offered by the hospital or local organization.
29. Celebrate your child's birthday
30. Create a special place in your home for your child's memories

Websites with similar articles

Baby Center

Mayo Clinic

About.com

Baby Fit

What's that mean?? (a dictionary)

This is a sort of "dictionary" to help explain phrases and abbreviations commonly seen on blogs dealing with dead babies. Please feel free to add to it or let me know if I am wrong on something (using the comment section below).

Dead Baby Mommy/Daddy : Mommy or Daddy of a dead baby of any form (miscarriage, stillbirth, infant death, etc.)

DBM/DBD: Dead Baby Mommy / Dead baby Daddy

Phoenix Baby/Rainbow Baby: Subsequent pregnancy/baby following the loss of a previous pregnancy/baby.

Someone who "gets it": Those people who have experienced baby loss in some form.

IRL: In Real Life

DH/DD/DS: Dear Husband/Daughter/Son etc.

MIL/FIL/SIL/BIL: Mother-in-law, etc.

Stillborn: A child born dead, usually after 20 weeks gestation (or if you "delivered" at any stage).

Chemical Pregnancy: When the hormones are present and you're "pregnant" but no "baby" can be detected.

Induced: When labor is forced into starting using medical means.

Baby loss: Same as dead baby.

Blogosphere/Blogland: The eCommunity of blogs.

IVF: Invetro Fertilization

The Club: The Club you belong to if you have a dead baby.

Angelversary: The anniversary of a child's death who was born alive.