About this blog
Friday, July 31, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
If you would like to submit a blog written by a dead baby momma simply add it in the comment section. Also, if there is a misprint, please accept my apologies and inform me ASAP!
- Between the Snow and the Huge Roses
Georgia died at 3 days old in August 2008 leaving behind her twin sister Jessica.
- Life, Interrupted
Caitlin was stillborn in February 2009 leaving behind her triplet sisters Julia & Gabrielle.
If you would like to submit a blog written by a dead baby momma simply add it in the comment section.
Also, if there is a misprint, please accept my apologies and inform me ASAP!
Friday, July 24, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
My wife, Monica, and I suffered the full-term stillbirth of our second child, Kathleen. While that was a number of years ago, I have stayed connected to the issue through my writing and speaking on the topic of father's grief following the death of an infant. I, like many men, had trouble talking about my feelings after my daughter's death. I'm hoping this blog might be a place for dads to share their thoughts about what they are experiencing and find support from other dads.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
- What's with the name? Well, I'm not much for sugar coating. And I think as a mother to a dead baby that sugar coating doesn't change the facts. My baby died. I am a member of the Dead Baby Club. A club nobody wants to belong to , and yet so many of us do. Why pretend it's all fluffy and sweet when it so clearly is not?
- Who are you? Just a fellow Dead Baby Momma who believes that blogging is an effective outlet for grief. I have no degree in pyschology or anything. I'm a SAHM to a little girl who came a year before the stillbirth of my son.
- How many people contribute to this blog? As of right now there are four fellow Dead Baby Momma's. Heather (myself), Elaine, Amanda and Jess. Each of us is at a different stage in our loss, and I believe that each of us offers a unique perspective.
- Can I add something? Sure!! In fact I encourage it. I'm all ears for things that you would find useful or a nice addition. You can contact me via email or through a comment with any suggestions you'd like to make.
- Can I coauthor the blog? I am always looking to add a new perspective to this blog. If you are interested in becoming a part of the DBC Blog team, please contact me and we can go from there.
- Are you are professional? Nope. Not at all. Therefore all posts on this blog should not be taken as a professional opinion. There just entries from fellow loss parents who are trying to find their way and lend a hand to others in their journey. Please be aware that we can not offer professional advice, and should you feel in need of such advice please refer to a licensed practitioner.
- Where else are you on the web? We have a Facebook Group, and a Twitter account @TheDeadBabyClub
- Do you have religious or political affiliations? No. The DBC is a religous/political neutral blog. We know that there are many club members from all walks of life and faiths and do not judge nor push any one political/religious view here on the blog.
- Can I contact the DBC directly? Sure. You can email me by clicking here, and I will try to respond in a timely fashion.
- How long has this blog been up and running? Since 2009.
So, you want to blog, but don't know where to start? First you need to pick a blog hosting site. There are countless ones out there. Here at the DBC I use http://www.blogger.com/ because it is the only one I was familiar with at the onset of my blogging career. I was reading a blog hosted here, and decided to create a blog myself. There are other blog hosting sites such as http://www.livejournal.com/ and http://www.wordpress.com/ or http://www.typepad.com/ to name a few. You can type in "blog" on any search engine and get an extensive list of blog hosting sites.
Once you decide on a host, you need a blog title. For instance, my personal blog is titled "It Only Hurts When I Breathe". Then you'll need a blog address (also known as the URL). This can be the same or different as your blog title. My personal blog address is http://mystolenlight.blogspot.com/ though I now wish that I would have chosen the same name for both, just to keep things simple. Usually that's all you need to get started.
What the heck is a WIDGET? A Widget is a funky little tool you can use on your blog for many different things. Just about anything on the blog that isn't part of a post (a post is where you actually journal) is a widget. For example, Link Lists, Followers, Twitter, Blog Rolls, About Me, Counters, etc. Everyone has their own preference on what type of widgets, if any, they would like to have on their blog.
But it's ugly! There are many websites out there that offer html codes to help you spruce up your blog. They also offer instructions (most of the time). If you use MySpace you may already be aware of this feature. A few websites that offer blog background codes are http://www.thecutestblogontheblock.com/ and http://designerblogsbyerin.blogspot.com/ or http://www.scrapbookgraphics.com/ to mention a few.
Nobody is reading it! In order to get readers and/or "followers" (people who read your blog on a regular basis because they subscribe to the RSS feed) you'll need to be a good blog buddy and read, comment and follow other blogs. You can also post your blog link on catalog websites (http://www.blogcatalogue.com/ is one), Facebook, Twitter, MySpace or other forums.
Tweak the settings. There are many settings that you can tweak to suit your preferences such as allowing comments or not, receiving comment notifications, blogging from your phone or email, archiving, or allowing more than one person to post to the bog. There are many settings that can be played around with and the best way to learn is to explore.
There are lots of ways to make your blog interesting. You can add music, photo's, video's, Twitterings, Links, Blog Rolls and so much more. Some people just prefer the basics, and that's ok too. What ever makes you feel more comfortable.
Other sites with advice and info:
A list of Blog Directories
Breaking the News of a Miscarriage or Stillbirth
Pregnancy loss is hard enough on you as the person experiencing it, but many people also struggle with how to inform friends, relatives, and coworkers of a recent miscarriage or stillbirth.
The signs and symptoms of depression are not that different from the signs of typical grief after a pregnancy loss. Thus, when you are grieving a miscarriage or pregnancy loss, it can be hard to tell whether or not you have developed clinical depression.
Naming Babies Lost to Miscarriage or Stillbirth
Some parents grieving a miscarriage find that naming the baby helps in coping with the pregnancy loss. The decision is personal and different people will have different preferences.
A lesser known fact about Down syndrome (trisomy 21) is that the condition can sometimes cause miscarriage, as is revealed by chromosome tests. Researchers do not know why some babies with Down syndrome are miscarried while others survive to term.
Talking to Children About Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss
Many parents struggle with how to break the news of a miscarriage to their other children. Depending on your children's age, you may choose to explain everything about the pregnancy loss or to not tell them anything at all.
Coping with Unexplained Miscarriage or Stillbirth
More often than not, doctors have no clear answers for why a specific pregnancy loss happened. They know much about general miscarriage causes but can rarely pinpoint an explanation for individual miscarriages and stillbirths, and sometimes this can be hard to accept.
Almost everyone who has been through a miscarriage knows about the hurtful and insensitive comments that others can make. Sometimes you can help to educate friends and relatives about what to say to someone who has had a pregnancy loss, but other times you may want to avoid people who make ignorant comments.
What to Do If Your Friend Miscarries While You Are Pregnant
If you are currently pregnant but have a friend going through a miscarriage or stillbirth, here are some important things to keep in mind when you talk to her.
Ultrasounds can be fairly accurate for catching certain congenital birth defects, but it cannot provide a guarantee that the baby has no malformations or health conditions. Similarly, an ultrasound can occasionally show a false positive.
October 15th - National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day
Did you know that October 15 is a national remembrance day for miscarriage and pregnancy loss and that October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month? Here's what you can do during the month to remember your baby or spread awareness of pregnancy loss.
After a miscarriage or pregnancy loss, your friend or relative needs your support. Learn what to say, what to avoid doing, and how you can give your friend or relative space if she needs to grieve the loss of her pregnancy.
Six Things You Can Do to Help Spread Awareness of Pregnancy Loss and Miscarriage
If you feel the call to do something to help support miscarriage and pregnancy loss awareness and research after the experience of your own miscarriage, here are six suggestions.
Chemical pregnancy is a potentially confusing term for a very early miscarriage. Here's how to understand the difference between a chemical pregnancy and a clinical pregnancy, and why you might hear the term clinical miscarriage.
How to Cope with Baby Shower Invitations After a Miscarriage
Attending baby showers after a miscarriage can be deeply painful. Here's what to do if you are receiving baby shower invitations while grieving a miscarriage.
Take a look at the different research studies that have examined a link between pregnancy stress and miscarriages.
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All rights reserved.
In the back of the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting" there is a section titled "When Something Goes Wrong". Morbid to say the least. I didn't read this section with my first child, to afraid of what could go wrong. But with my second child I did brave the murky waters and read this section. Two weeks later something did go wrong, very wrong. I remembered most of what I had read. Horrible things like that stick with you I guess. Here is a list of things they say you should do to help you cope. However; everyone is different and though this is what the book recommends, it may not necessarily be what is right for you. You should never feel pressured to do anything you do not want to do. Doing so, in the end, may do more harm than good. Some people feel more traumatized by holding their dead child, other's find peace and closure in it. You will know what is right for you. And remember not to push your spouse to do anything they don't feel comfortable with as this may just cause resentment later on. You have enough to deal with, with out adding to it. Retyping this entire section would be daunting to say the least, so this is just an overview. If you would like to read the entire section it is under the title "Coping With Pregnancy Loss"
- See and hold your baby (if it's possible).
- Name your baby.
- Get an Autopsy, and discuss the findings with your doctor.
- Ask not to be sedated (if possible).
- Take photos (or ask the nurses too) and save bracelets, a lock of hair, foot & hand prints, crib tags and/or any other tangible memento.
- Focus on the positive attributes of your child (big eyes, long lashes, lots of hair, Daddy's nose).
- Expect a difficult time, depression, intense sadness, sleeplessness, etc.
- Recognize that daddy is grieving too, but may appear shorter and/or less intense.
- Don't face the world alone. Have a friend fieled the difficult questions about your baby.
- Expect that friends and family may not know what to say and may withdraw for a while.
- Expect your pain to lessen over time. The grieving process is often not fully completed for as long as two years, but the worst is usually over within 6 months. Be aware that the pain may never go away entirely.
- Seek support. Either through online friends (like other mommies in blog land), support groups or therapy.
- Limit the use of sedatives (pills, booze, whatever).
- Turn to religion if you find it comforting.
- Don't expect that having another baby will resolve any grief.
- Recognize that quilt can compound grief.
Other dead baby parents and experts say this:
- Blog. Blog your heart out. Some like to do this anonymously.
- Read other blogs from parents who've lost a baby.
- Make a cast or mold of your child, their face, hands, feet...anything.
- Take pictures of you holding your child
- Take pictures of each body part, naked (since the staff may not know what you'll want to remember).
- Remember you probably have a camera on your cell phone.
- Tell people via email instead of in person.
- Baptize your baby, or have them blessed.
- Take time off of work (Daddies too!)
- Keep a journal.
- Write your baby letters.
- Write poetry, music or create art in memory of your baby.
- Plant a Tree or Garden in Memory of your baby.
- Get a piece of jewelery with your child's name or birthstone.
- Get your child's name written in the sand or a name print or similar.
- Name a Star after your baby.
- Have a memorial service or funeral.
- Get an urn or special box for your child's ashes.
- Postpone major decisions (like moving, getting rid of a pet, getting a pet, switching jobs)
- Talk to your partner, and then talk some more. No one "gets it" like they do.
- Get a lot of sleep, eat right and exercise (nothing burns of anger like cardio).
- Join a support group
- Get a new hobby or obsession (like blogging, scrapbooking, golf, creating memory boxes or afghans to donate to a hospital for other baby loss families)
- Be prepared for ignorant and insensitive comments and then dismiss them.
- Don't be afraid to tell people you're the parent of a dead baby.
- Don't feel obligated to explain or offer details.
- Attend a memorial event often offered by the hospital or local organization.
- Celebrate your child's birthday
- Create a special place in your home for your child's memories
Websites with similar articles
Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of situations and individuals that will be left behind after death.
Example - "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected resentment and jealousy.
Example - "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"
The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the person is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just have more time..."
Example - "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect themself from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer an individual up that is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
Example - "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die . . . What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
This final stage comes with peace and understanding of the death that is approaching. Generally, the person in the fifth stage will want to be left alone. Additionally, feelings and physical pain may be non-existent. This stage has also been described as the end of the dying struggle.
Example - "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to people suffering from terminal illness, and later to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). This may also include significant life events such as the death of a loved one, divorce, drug addiction, or an infertility diagnosis. Kübler-Ross also claimed these steps do not necessarily come in the order noted above, nor are all steps experienced by all patients, though she stated a person will always experience at least two. Often, people will experience several stages in a "roller coaster" effect - switching between two or more stages, returning to one or more several times before working through it. Significantly, people experiencing the stages should not force the process. The grief process is highly personal and should not be rushed, nor lengthened, on the basis of an individual's imposed time frame or opinion. One should merely be aware that the stages will be worked through and the ultimate stage of "Acceptance" will be reached. However, there are individuals that struggle with death until the end. Some psychologists believe that the harder a person fights death, they are more likely to stay in the denial stage. If this is the case, it is possible the ill person will have more difficulty dying in a dignified way. Other psychologists state that not confronting death until the end is adaptive for some people. Those that experience problems working through the stages should consider professional grief counseling or support groups.
According to Robert Kastenbaum, there are some problems with Kübler-Ross theory:
The five-stage sequence had not been demonstrated by Kübler-Ross or independent research (although the Yale study found some consistencies).
The stage interpretation neglected the patients' situations (relationship support, effects of illnesses, etc.) and how they could affect the cycle.
A dying individual's approach to death has been linked to the amount of meaning and purpose a person has found throughout their lifetime. A study of 160 people with less than three months to live showed that those who felt they understood their purpose in life, or found special meaning, faced less fear and despair, in the final weeks of their lives than those who had not. In this and similar studies, spirituality helped dying individuals deal with the depression stage more aggressively than those who were not spiritual.
A 2000-2003 study of bereaved individuals conducted by Yale University obtained some findings that were consistent with the five-stage theory and others that were inconsistent with it. In 2008, Skeptic Magazine published the findings of the Grief Recovery Institute, which contested the concept of stages of grief as they relate to people who are dealing with the deaths of people important to them.
1.^ a b c d e f g h i j k l Santrock, J.W. (2007). A Topical Approach to Life-Span Development. New York, NY: McGraw-Hill
2.^ Maciejewski, P. K. (2007, Feb 21). JAMA. Retrieved April 14, 2009. Web Site
3.^ Friedman and James, R. and J.W. (2008).
Kubler-Ross, E (1973) On Death and Dying, Routledge, ISBN 0415040159
Kubler-Ross, E (2005) On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss, Simon & Schuster Ltd, ISBN 0743263448
Scire, P (2007). "Applying Grief Stages to Organizational Change."
An Attributional Analysis of Kübler-Ross' Model of Dying, by Mark R Brent. Harvard University, 1981.
An Evaluation of the Relevance of the Kübler-Ross Model to the Post-injury Responses of Competitive Athletes, by Johannes Hendrikus Van der Poel, University of the Free State. Published by s.n, 2000.
- Blessings From Above Ty was stillborn at 34 weeks on 01/26/09
Mother to one older child and a Phoenix Baby due in Jan 2010
- My Life After Loss Twins Nicholas who died on 02/01/08 and Sophia on 02/16/08
and Alexander who died on 11/23/08
Mother to Phoenix Twins born 09/10/09
- Waves Over Stones Blaine was born into the arms of Jesus on April 13th 2010, we are now journeying through the pregnancy of our Pheonix baby Caleb, due May 26th 2011.
- Dot's Diner Subsequent pregnancy after the loss of her daughter Acacia to Trisomy 18 in September 2009
- My World Author blogs about the loss of her daughter, Cara, to pre eclampsia syndrome and her subsequent pregnancy with her Rainbow Carter.
- Missing Olivia Author is pregnant with her fourth baby and is the mother of 3 angels
If you would like to submit a blog written by a dead baby momma
simply add it in the comment section.
Also, if there is a misprint, please accept my apologies
and inform me ASAP!
Monday, July 13, 2009
We also have a Facebook Group now. You can search for us in the groups tab. The group name is called The Dead Baby Club (again, I am captain obvious!) there too.
Comfort Song List
Address in the Stars - Caitlin & Will
Held - Natalie Grant
He's My Son - Mark Shultz
Cry on my Shoulder - Overflow
Homesick - Mercy Me
You Wouldn't Cry (Andrew's Song) - Mandisa
I Still Miss You - Keith Anderson
Living for the Night - George Straight
If Your Going Through Hell - Rodney Atkins
Angel - Robbie Williams
Shelter in the Rain - Stevie Wonder
Smile - Chris Rice
Hold My heart - Tenth Avenue North (Lyrics UA)
Friday, July 10, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Dead Baby Mommy/Daddy : Mommy or Daddy of a dead baby of any form (miscarriage, stillbirth, infant death, etc.)
DBM/DBD: Dead Baby Mommy / Dead baby Daddy
Phoenix Baby/Rainbow Baby: Subsequent pregnancy/baby following the loss of a previous pregnancy/baby.
Someone who "gets it": Those people who have experienced baby loss in some form.
IRL: In Real Life
DH/DD/DS: Dear Husband/Daughter/Son etc.
MIL/FIL/SIL/BIL: Mother-in-law, etc.
Stillborn: A child born dead, usually after 20 weeks gestation (or if you "delivered" at any stage).
Chemical Pregnancy: When the hormones are present and you're "pregnant" but no "baby" can be detected.
Induced: When labor is forced into starting using medical means.
Baby loss: Same as dead baby.
Blogosphere/Blogland: The eCommunity of blogs.
IVF: Invetro Fertilization
The Club: The Club you belong to if you have a dead baby.
Angelversary: The anniversary of a child's death who was born alive.
Blue Planet - A baby whale is attacked and killed and it shows the mother mourning, very sad!
Up! - Digital Short has storks delivering baby. In the movie Carl and his wife learn they have either lost a baby or they can't have one.
HawthoRNe - One episode in Season 1 shows a mother leave her 3 month old in the car and she dies. THEY SHOW IT!
Handle With Care by Jodi Picoult - The baby dies at the end, a lot of abortion issues about a child with a terminal outlook.
Stillbirth: Handling the Tragedy and Raising Awareness
a Question and Answer Session
July 7, 2009
Father First, Senator Second
For Rick Santorum, Polictics Could Hardly Get More Personal
By Mark Leibovich
April 18, 2005
The article is about Senetor Santorum and his wifes baby loss.
If you would like to submit a blog written by a sibling about the death of their sibling please add the blog name and location in the comment section below. This can be written by a child, but is not exclusive to children.
- It Only Hurts When I Breathe Logan, due to complications with Down Sydrome, was stillborn at 6 months on 01/24/09 Mother to an older daughter
- Nobody Knows It But Me How I'm Missing Lukas Lukas died on 01/30/09 from an illness, 23 days after his birth.
- Burble George was stillborn at 5 months on 10/20/08
- Nicholas' Touch Nicholas was stillborn at 33 weeks on 11/07/08
- Blessings From Above Ty was stillborn at 34 weeks on 01/26/09 Mother to one older child and a Phoenix Baby due in Jan 2010
- Once a Mother Peyton died from Infant Leukemia at 28 days old on 10/02/08
- Just a Diamond in the Rough Collin was stillborn at 33 weeks, 4 days on 08/09/08
- Viva La Vivi Vivienne died at 9 1/2 months due to cancer on 02/12/09
- Busy Hands George Patrick Andrew was stillborn full term 05/19/09 Mother to 4 older children.
- From My Point of View Levi was stillborn at 36 weeks on 4/30/09 Mother to an older son.
- Caring for Carleigh Carleigh McKenna was stillborn at 37 wks on 03/28/09 She had anencephaly.
- Jasper, Forever Our First Born Jasper was born pre-mature due to his mother's pre-eclampsiam, IUGR and HELLP on 03/04/09 and died at 2 days old on 03/06/09
- Epic Fail Joel was stillborn at 40 weeks on 05/28/09 Mother to an older son.
Children who came and went so quickly.
Carleigh McKenna, Ohio, USA 03/28/09
Eric Martin, Maine, USA 12/15/08
Jasper Thomas, Florida, USA 03/04/09 - 03/06/09
Ella Rose, Illinois,USA 09/15/09
Baby Bean, Minnesota, USA 05/26/09
Baby Steven, Canberra, Australia 04/12/97
Baby Lou, Canberra, Australia 1996
Sydney Alexis, Missouri, USA 02/10/09