Safe Blogging

This is part one of a series I am working on regarding navigating social media after baby loss.  In lieu of some recent disturbing events I thought the first post should be on internet safety.  It may seem a little disjointed to do the safety one first and then do "how to's" later but for me, being safe online and keeping my kids safe online is the first consideration to make when deciding to blog or jump into FB or any other media.

We all want to make a meaningful connection after losing a child.  For some of us, including myself, online friendships are sometimes the only way to keep your child's memory alive.  The sisters you make online are the ones that remember special dates, cry with you, share with you, heal with you.  I have said time and time again that I am indebted to all of the women who reached out to me after I lost Blaine.  Who shared their children with me and who said to me "your son matters."  So, how do we open ourselves up to the gifts while keeping ourselves safe from the harm?

What are some things you need to be aware of and concerned about when sharing your life and story online?  

Identity theft: how many times have we come across a woman pretending to have lost a child?  They steal photos, stories, and any details they can to make it their own and pretend to be someone their not.

Online predators:  A mom on a FB group said that she checked her blogger stats and was getting traffic from an adult site.  Another said that she looked at the terms used to search her blog and it included adult content.  What is disturbing is that they were searching for something related to child porn and somehow the search engine gave her blog as a suggested site.  I was on a message board once and this mom used to share tons of pics of her daughter and also lots of personal information.  I didn't even live in the same Province as her but I was able to figure out where they lived.  Scary!

Trolls:  I swear some people have nothing to do but search for things they disagree with and then start arguments about it!  I find it best to ignore ignore ignore.  If you feed the troll it will keep coming back.  They are usually harmless and are just looking for attention.  Delete them, disregard them and they will go on to the next site.

Here are some tips I've gathered from various sites which can help you to keep yourself and your family safe.  Please feel free to comment with any tips of your own or any experiences you've had.  Happy and safe connecting! 

Disable right click:

You need the HTML code, one can be found here.  You go to "Add a Page Element" on Blogger and paste in the code.  The code says "function disabled" but you can change that to your own message like "hands off!"   This is not foolproof as people can still do a screen shot and take a screen capture if they want.  I have not tested this.

Watermarking: 

This is good if you want to copyright something but it doesn't do anything to keep people from just stealing the photo.  Here is a youtube video on how to watermark.  Again, I have not tested this.

Change security settings:

Go to your settings on blogger.  From there you can change who can comment, enable comment moderation, and change whether or not your blog is "searchable."  

General tips

Keep in mind that whatever is public on the internet is really really public.  Anyone can see it.  Do you want everyone in the world to know that you and your child are going to be at Walmart Tuesday at 2:30pm?  
Keeping yourself and your family safe is the number one priority.  

Updates

Wow, over 100 pageviews today and over 120 yesterday!!  Thank you for visiting and for inspiring me to start updating.

I'll be updating the resources we link to here so if you have anything you'd like to see or any sites you'd like to share please comment.

4 comments on the last post but 44 pageviews, c'mon!!  Don't be shy.  We would love to hear about your babies and anything that you have found helpful/healing on this journey.

To Hubby on Father's Day

Thank you thank you thank you.  Thank you for holding me up and being my rock.  Thank for for listening to me rant and be irrational and emotional and let's face it, a little crazy.  Thank you for holding me while I cry and making me laugh.  Thank you for being my partner and my friend on this incredibly sad and bittersweet journey we call parenting.  Thank you for being a Daddy to our children.  


I wish I had a photo to insert here of my hubby holding our little boy Blaine but sadly I have none.  Do you?  What is your favourite memory or photo of your baby Daddy and baby?

Resource for Friends

Came across this on FB and thought I'd share

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.corasstory.org%2F2012%2F02%2Ffree-ebook-when-friends-baby-dies.html&h=2AQH8_9QqAQFAT8HDgii71TFNBnqNHrVlacqVXEZ20ZQ0zg

Happy Valentine's Day

Just thought I'd share...Happy Valentine's to all

http://www.healingheart.net/poetry/precious_child.html

My Precious Child

Life without you isn't the same.
Others seem to forget your name.
The pain at times is so real,
So intense.
I wish I could always feel your presence.
You are my child,
And will always be.
Your light will shine
If only through me.
Life goes on--although you are gone.
Old friends are different--and new ones
Help Mommy move on.
I wish everyone could see--
You that lives on in me.
You are my child,
And will always be.
Your light will shine
If only through me.

Written and shared by Kathy Evans
in loving memory of her son Sean.

Coming Up

Sorry, I have been out of it lately.  I took a well needed break from blogger.  Some stuff is coming up though, including a GIVEAWAY!  Stay tuned!!

Holiday Remembrance

Do your families do something during the holidays to remember your loved one?  If not, what would the ideal be?  What would you say to them if you could?

For me, I would tell them that I want Blaine remembered.  I want an ornament on their tree.  I want them to light a candle.  I want them to not be afraid to mention him.  It's that simple.  Just remember that he was here.  And that he mattered.

Approaching Gloom or Joy?

Whether you celebrate religiously or not, Christmas can be a tough time after the loss of a loved one, especially a child.  All of the expectations you had of the season; the family events you attend, minus one; questions from insensitive people or people who don't know about your loss; wanting to escape or be alone.  Many of us deal with one or all of these issues.  Here are some tips I found on various sites.  Feel free to comment with your own tips.

http://www.opentohope.com/?post=surviving-the-holidays

http://sids-network.org/survhol.htm

www.griefshare.org/holidays

Penpals

I often get emails from moms looking to make personal connections with other moms who have been in the same situation.  I'd like to start up a penpal program so that I have appropriate people to refer these emails to (Dad's included!).  I am looking for people who fit in the following categories:

a relative or friend of someone who has lost a child but has not lost someone themselves
carrying to term
twin or other multiple loss where one or more survived
someone who has living children
medical termination

Also, I don't want to offend anyone but when I lost my son it was very important to me, as a Christian who does not go to church, to find another Christian to talk to.  While the DBC is not a religious source if you are religious please also let me know (if you're comfortable). 
If you would like to participate please understand that this is a commitment.  The worst thing is to email your penpal and feel like they're too busy for you.  Please email me if you are interested, especially if you are a man, we have one man so far but it would be nice to have some more.  lilyorange2@yahoo.ca

October 15th Wave of Light

I was, unfortunately, unable to participate in the Int'l Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day on October 15th.  How did all of you commemorate the day?  A lot of my online BLM friends wrote on my FB wall or sent me pics of candles that were lit for Blaine or sent me a note or email letting me know they thought of him.  Here is one...

Baby Dust by Deanna Roy - Review and Giveaway

Since you are all going to scroll down anyway I'll just announce the winner first!  First to let you know how I picked.  I found a website where you put names in a virtual hat and they assign the names.  So, I put everyone's names in the hat, as well as my own, and it assigned the name to me.  That's the person who won the giveaway.  drum roll...  Sarita Boyette!  Please email me your address so I can snail mail you the book.  lilyorange2@yahoo.ca

I was super eager to read this book.  I remember when I lost my son Blaine going to the local library and trying to find anything I could.  They had a total of four books on miscarriage or pregnancy loss.  They were all either medical books or really old.  None of them dealt with the emotions or changes I would go through as I lived through the loss of my child.  "Baby Dust" is a fictional account of 5 woman and their loss.  I say fictional because it is a novel however, it is a unique novel in that Deanna has taken real life stories and compiled them to make these characters.  Whether fictional or not, so much of it rang true for me.  I could see myself in each of the characters but the one I feel I related to the most was Melinda.  The guilt she felt, the hallucinations, the attempts to "look normal," her hesitation to join the group of women and talk about her loss, I remember all of that. 
I really enjoyed the book and as I said there was a little of each story that I could relate to and see myself and my son in.  My only critisizm would be that each story ends with a sense of hope.  The entire book is such a realistic representation of women and loss and yet I felt this was unrealistic.  Yes, it's a novel and obviously a mother reading this, especially one who may be early in her grief, wants to believe that life will get better and easier.  However, we all know that for some that isn't true.  Life only gets harder and sometimes there is no hope.  I would have liked to have seen one of the stories end in that way.  That is just my opinion though.  I would definitely recommend everyone read this book.  It is also a great gift to give someone you may know who is dealing with a new loss or struggling to find resources. 
I want to thank Deanna for allowing us to review the book and for graciously donating a copy of it for giveaway.  I hope it is a huge success and am really hoping she does a follow up novel! 

"Baby Dust" was dedicated by Deanna "For My (her) Angel Babies... Casey Shay December 1997 to April 1998 gestation, Daniel June 2001 to July 2001 gestation and Emma Hope August 2001 to October 2001 gestation."

Giveaway - Baby Dust

It seems I may have made the giveaway too hard!  I'm going to simplify so please disregard the previous posts instructions.  If you would like to enter the giveaway for "Baby Dust" by Deanna Roy please do the following:

comment below

That's all folks! 

October's Feature: Pregnancy Loss Info Website

When it actually sunk into my head that I had lost my son in April 2010 one of the first things I did was hit google.  I can't remember what exactly I typed in but I ended up finding this website, http://www.pregnancyloss.info/.  It was a God send.  I went through the whole site, each link, each story.  I visited it several times a day.  Through that site I found many others and was initiated into the world of bloggers. 

Deanna Roy founded http://www.pregnancyloss.info/ after the loss of her son Casey.  Since then she has been setting up an online supportive resource for other parents in grief.  The site is broken down into several categories.  There you can find links to resources on healing, grief, physical recovery, subsequent pregnancies and memorials. 

Deanna has just published her first novel on the subject of baby loss.  It is called "Baby Dust" and features five unique fictional stories.  You can read Holly's review of the book here.  Please check back for part two of the DBC review on "Baby Dust" to be posted October 15th.

Deanna has graciously offered a copy of the book to us to use for a giveaway.  If you are a blogger and are interested in winning the book here is what we need from you:

Write a post on your blog about something you found helpful or enjoyed reading about on the site, http://www.pregnancyloss.info/.  Comment here with the link to your post.

If you are not a blogger, send us an email about something you found helpful or enjoyed reading about on the site, http://www.pregnancyloss.info/.  Comment here once the email has been sent.  Send email to lilyorange2@yahoo.ca

Deadline is October 14th.  Winner will be drawn at random. We may publish your post or part of your post here on the DBC. 

Int'l Babylost Father's Day

for all you Daddies  <3

Oh Father, My Father
Close your eyes and feel me near
keep me inside your heart
let me live in your soul
you see through tears
the things we will never do
running across the fields of my youth
games never played
but it is not gone
those dreams you hold so close
for I live on in every child you see
little ones standing a lone... lost
or laughing in a playground
swinging so high
touching the tree tops
that is I
wanting just to love
feel my happiness in the song of a bird
see my sorrow in mother
hold her close forever
feeling your strength
for there will be one to come behind me
whether through God's grace or
from a different calling
a child chosen through His hand.
For in darkness, a light will appear
even if it is just the dawn
signaling a new beginning
and as you gather my mother to your heart
release your tears
let the healing begin
and discover that I am here
in your dreams
in your tomorrows
Every rainbow is the path home
and if you should stumble
I am the wings that shall lift you
Love, your child

Author: Theresa Cochrane
Copyrighted by: Growing Family, Inc.

Baby and Infant Urns

According to Blogger Stats, one of the main reasons people find this blog is because they are searching for baby or infant urns.  Incredibly sad.  I always say, I hate that you have to be here but I'm glad you are.  I decided to do a post on different sites that offer cremain products and some creative ones that I've found.  Please feel free in the comment section to add your own choices.  Here is a link to our original post on baby urns.

Choosing a cremation product for your child is one of the hardest and most important things you will ever do as a bereaved parent.  For most of us it will be the final resting place for our children's ashes.  There are so many things to think of.  You want something that will reflect your personality, your family and what the child meant to you.  Maybe you want to include something that reminds you of your child such as butterflies or rainbows or a cartoon character.  Most manufacturers of cremain products understand this and so have huge varieties to offer.  You also want to look at how well the product will stand up over time.  The quality of the product.  Do you want something to bury or keep at home?  For me personally I could not stand the thought of being away from my son's ashes.  When I first brought him home I slept with the box.  I had the idea to just carry them around in my purse but that didn't seem right.  I decided on a pendant urn.  A pendant urn is a necklace.  You fill it with the cremains and then seal it and you wear it.  Here is a photo of the one I purchased...

It was purchased from a website, "In the Light Urns."
For some, unfortunately, price is an issue.  It was for me.  I had to find something I loved for under $200.  Almost all manufacturers offer many inexpensive choices.  If price is not an issue you can purchase customized urns as well, in almost any imaginable design or material. 

Here are some sites I have come across, some may be duplicated from our original post...

http://www.tootallspottery.com/Products/Urns/Urns1.html
http://www.inthelighturns.com/
http://www.urns.net/Infant-Urns-information.php
http://www.everlifememorials.com/v/urns/infant-urns.htm
http://www.evrmemories.com/infant-cremation-urns-s/316.htm

Question: Mementos

What is your favourite keepsake?  Who gave it to you?  Why is it so memorable?

What is the one item, other than your child obviously, that you wish you had kept or received?

September's Feature: Mikayla's Grace

Baby girl Mikayla Grace lived a brief 36 hours on this earth. From that short and beautiful life Mikayla's Grace was inspired.

From their website:

Mikayla's Grace Inc. is a 501c3 non-profit to support families with a baby in the NICU and those who experience the death of an infant at Madison Area hospitals by providing NICU care packages and angel memory boxes that offer both practical and emotional support for the parents. Our first donation was to St. Mary's Hospital in Madison, Wisconsin where our daughter Mikayla was born. In memory of Mikayla's first Heavenly birthday on June 24, 2011 we donated 12 Angel memory boxes, 20 NICU care packages, 66 books, and 28 gowns with matching booties and hats. We are currently working on our goal to donate another 20 angel memory boxes and 20 NICU care packages in October 2011.

Mikayla's Grace just completed it's first Facebook auction. The auction raised funds for the first ever Forever in our Hearts Remembrance Day on October 15th. It was a great success. Proceeds from the event will go towards making Mikayla Grace's NICU and Angel Memory Care Boxes. Some of the items included in these care packages are: disposable cameras, journals, teddy bears, candles, sympathy card and much more. Most of us know how much these items can mean to us in our time of great need. Many of us go to the hospital completely unprepared, not even knowing we are about to lose our child. When I lost Blaine I had no idea what to do. I wish these resources had of been offered to me.

Please take a moment to check out Mikayla's Grace website and Facebook page. Questions: what were key items you wish you had of had at the hospital? What were you thankful to have? Have you made any donations of care packages and if so what did you include?

An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination

"A child dies in this book: a baby. A baby is stillborn. You don't have to tell me how sad that is: it happened to me and my husband, our baby, a son."

I just finished reading An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination. It is incredibly sad and hopeful and heartwarming and heartbreaking all at once. When the author, Elizabeth McCracken, talks about the emotions surrounding the loss of her son, I feel I could have written those words myself.
McCracken was 41 weeks pregnant with her first child when it went horribly wrong. The baby died, for unexplained reasons. She had to deliver the baby, still, and find some way to carry on. She talks candidly about the loss, her feelings for her son before and after birth, her relationship with her husband, the effect it had on them, their friends and family. We follow her through the journey of telling family and friends; of moving and packing up the baby items; of finding a new neutral home to live in; to navigating the brand new world of subsequent pregnancy.
McCracken was fortunate to deliver a rainbow baby, born almost exactly one year later. The rainbow baby comes with a whole new set of emotions and she writes

"Everyday as I love this baby in my lap, I think of my other baby. Poor older brother, poor missing one....The love for the first magnifies the love for the second, and vice versa."

I think the sentiments and experiences in this book can ring true for many of us. I found myself not only able to put myself in McCracken's shoes but also in the shoes of the "childish and unnerving" mother from the book signing who laughed wholeheartedly over a seagull stealing her husband's tuna sub and pressed McCracken to write a book about the lighter side of loss. I think that's another book I'd dive right into!

New Directory: Blogs on Carrying to Term After Fatal Diagnosis

If you or someone you know has a blog about the experiences of carrying to term after a poor prognosis/fatal diagnosis and would like to share, please leave the links below as a comment.

http://thegiftofrachelslife.blogspot.com/
http://babyfaithhope.blogspot.com/
http://louielovescrystal.com/calvinphoenix/kissesforcalvin/

A Poem For Fathers

Happy Father's Day. Here is a poem I found for Father's who have lost a child. Often they are forgotten as they care for the mother and other children or hide their grief. But it's days like this that remind us, they lost a child too.

~~ A poem for Fathers ~~

It must be very difficult

To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

by Eileen Knight Hagemeister