Question: Regrets

We all have things we wish we didn't do or that we did do or that we did differently. There's nothing like hindsight to make you feel guilty. For babyloss families, I think these regrets can become consuming because we don't get the chance to even try to make up for it. Our babies died, and we just can't undo it.

For me, at least, the guilt and regrets were something I felt I needed to hang onto for a long time. I felt like I needed to carry the pain and grief in order to honor my babies, especially Calvin. Giving voice to my regrets and admitting to them feels like a step towards healing. I am still learning that it's okay to be happy, that it's okay to forgive myself and accept that I did my best at the time, and to let peace in.

We all find our own paths in this grief journey, but maybe sharing about your regrets can be helpful, too--for you and for others. It's always less lonely when you know someone else feels the same.

• What do you regret most about the events surrounding your loss?
• If you were able to move past this regret, how did you let it go?
• If you're in the process of letting it go, how are you working on this?
• If you're still holding onto it, why can't you let this regret go?

July's Feature: Carrying to Term after a Poor or Fatal Prognosis

Ten weeks before Faith Hope was born, her mommy, Myah, starting blogging. At her 19-week ultrasound, Myah learned that Faith had anencephaly, a fatal neural tube defect. Despite being told that her baby was unlikely to ever gain consciousness, that her child would not live for more than a few minutes after birth, Myah chose to carry Faith to term.

On her blog, We Walk By Faith, Not By Sight, Myah describes her posts and her reasons for sharing Faith and their story with the world: "The posts here are very personal, emotional, brutally honest, and at times ungraceful. It's not easy for me to share so much of our life with the world. But it is my hope that by sharing our story, God will be glorified for all He has done for us. I also hope that this blog will reach other moms out there who are facing the same prenatal diagnosis that I did."

The first posts are about about Myah's pregnancy: her struggles with preparing for childbirth and for Faith's care, the grief of knowing her baby will not live, the joy she found in feeling her baby hiccup and kick.

After Faith was born crying and very much alive, Myah was able to bring her daughter home. Through the posts, videos, and photos, we get a glimpse into Faith's precious 93 days on earth: eating, smiles, jaundice, squealing, sneezes, ticklish feet. Then, on May 23, 2009, Faith passed away as Myah held her in her arms.

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Have you faced a fatal diagnosis? Did you choose termination, induction, or carrying to term? Why? How do you feel about the decision you made?

My first baby died from amniotic band sequence. At the NT scan I had at 13 weeks, the ultrasound tech found amniotic bands; that's when we found out about the possibility of limb amputation and were offered the option to terminate. The results of the screening also showed a positive marker for Down's Syndrome. We chose to keep our baby and continue with the pregnancy, preparing for a special needs child, but hoping for the best. Unfortunately, we lost our son at 18 weeks, and after we found out he died, I was induced. The decision

Also, if you or someone you know has a blog about the experiences of carrying to term after a poor prognosis/fatal diagnosis and would like to share, please include the links below. We are working on putting together a new directory to help families going through a similar experience.

Question: How was your Mother's Day?

Mother's Day is one of the more difficult holidays for many baby loss mommies because it brings with it doubt, especially for women who have lost their only children (Am I still a mother?), and because it makes the void in one's heart and in one's lineup of living children all the more apparent.

Now that this bittersweet holiday has come and gone, can you share how it was for you?

• If this was your first Mother's Day after a loss, did it turn out as you expected?
• If this isn't your first, has it changed for you? Has it gotten any better?
• Did you do or receive anything that made this day special for you?
• Were you able to honor your baby/babies?
• Was there anything you wish someone had done for you?

May's Feature - Unable to Conceive after Loss

Jan and her husband have lost three babies. They lost their first—a birth control surprise—at 9 1/2 weeks, on July 2, 2008. After being diagnosed with PCOS, Jan tried Clomid and found out she was pregnant again in August 2009. At 10 1/2 weeks, she learned that she was carrying twins, but had lost one of them. They hoped to bring the other baby home, but a few weeks later, the same ultrasound that showed they were having a girl also told them that she only had a 1% chance of survival because she didn't have any amniotic fluid left. On November 19, they learned that Carly Noel's heart had stopped beating.

In February 2010, just a few months after losing Carly, Jan developed a blood clot that spanned the length of her left leg. She had to be hospitalized and receive transfusions to treat and break it down. Because of her health, she cannot conceive again. She also cannot use surrogacy to have a biological child, because of the risks of blood clots and ovarian rupture.

On her blog, Angels in Heaven, Jan writes messages to her daughter, shares her feelings on not being able to have any more children of her own, and explores the challenges of not being a "real mommy" in others' eyes. Please stop by Jan's blog to read more of her story and give her some encouragement.

Also, if you have experience with being unable to conceive after losing your baby, or if you have any stories, websites, or blogs that relate—whether the inability to conceive it is due to health reasons, infertility, tubal ligation, or other reasons—please share them with us.