About this blog

The intent of this blog is to form an interactive community where parents of dead babies can come together and swap information, stories, tears, memories and encouragement. This is designed to be a neutral place. We are not religious nor are we anti-religious. Come as you are. You can sign the guest book, add your baby(ies) to the baby name memory list, review books on infant death, add warnings about movies and books that contain a dead baby, add your blog to our directory or a number of other things. Don't hesitate to contact us if you have any questions or would like to see something added to this blog. Rule One: be kind to each other. We're all in this together. We all suffer and miss our babies madly.

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If you are new to blogging and would like to be featured please let us know! Looking for parents who are new to this community and are looking for some peer support.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Question: Regrets

We all have things we wish we didn't do or that we did do or that we did differently. There's nothing like hindsight to make you feel guilty. For babyloss families, I think these regrets can become consuming because we don't get the chance to even try to make up for it. Our babies died, and we just can't undo it.

For me, at least, the guilt and regrets were something I felt I needed to hang onto for a long time. I felt like I needed to carry the pain and grief in order to honor my babies, especially Calvin. Giving voice to my regrets and admitting to them feels like a step towards healing. I am still learning that it's okay to be happy, that it's okay to forgive myself and accept that I did my best at the time, and to let peace in.

We all find our own paths in this grief journey, but maybe sharing about your regrets can be helpful, too--for you and for others. It's always less lonely when you know someone else feels the same.
  • What do you regret most about the events surrounding your loss?
  • If you were able to move past this regret, how did you let it go?
  • If you're in the process of letting it go, how are you working on this?
  • If you're still holding onto it, why can't you let this regret go?


michelle said...

I regret all of what happened but most I regret that I lisntened to the Doctors instead of my instincts. I am consumed by it and I go over the whole ordeal everyday from start to finish. I havent let go yet, I dont think I ever will. Jack suffered immensely and died slowly, I feel I have to rememeber that, I have to hold on to that as I dont want to demean what he went though. It was alot and it was half his life spent going through all of it. There are so many regrets with his care I cant even count them all. I wished I was a stronger mouthier person and I wished I had of had the confidence to demand my instintcs were right and the Doctors were wrong and make them act on it. Half the time I am not in this world but still living in the past in my head, I often find when others are speaking to me I dont even notice or have missed half of what they said. I live in my imagination the most playing with different outcomes from the "what ifs". I have a very good imagination and right now thats not such a good thing.

Holly said...

I can't really say I really regret anything from Carleigh's journey. I made decisions that I were thought were best at the time. If I could go back now I would certainly change a few things but I don't regret the choices I made.

The choices I would have made differently are I would've carried her longer than 37 weeks and I would not have had my water broken. Perhaps if my decision had been differently on both of these she would have been born alive. But then of course she still may not have. I just don't know.

Missy said...

I wish I had never trusted the doctors to do their jobs. They failed and I am the one who lives with the heartache while they get to keep right on doing what they do. It hurts and I am so angry every single day.

Elaine said...


Crystal Theresa said...

Michelle, I started following your blog and read Jack's story. I am so sorry for what the doctors did to your sweet little boy. I can understand living in your imagination and changing what happened. My heart goes out to you.

Holly, I'm so glad that you don't feel regrets over Carleigh's journey and accept that you did the best you could at the time. I hope all loss families reach that point.

Missy, I so sorry that the doctors didn't take care of you or Chai properly. I can only imagine the anger feel. I'm so sorry for the heartache and losses you've had.

Elaine, will comment on your blog, my friend.