Question: Regrets

We all have things we wish we didn't do or that we did do or that we did differently. There's nothing like hindsight to make you feel guilty. For babyloss families, I think these regrets can become consuming because we don't get the chance to even try to make up for it. Our babies died, and we just can't undo it.

For me, at least, the guilt and regrets were something I felt I needed to hang onto for a long time. I felt like I needed to carry the pain and grief in order to honor my babies, especially Calvin. Giving voice to my regrets and admitting to them feels like a step towards healing. I am still learning that it's okay to be happy, that it's okay to forgive myself and accept that I did my best at the time, and to let peace in.

We all find our own paths in this grief journey, but maybe sharing about your regrets can be helpful, too--for you and for others. It's always less lonely when you know someone else feels the same.

• What do you regret most about the events surrounding your loss?
• If you were able to move past this regret, how did you let it go?
• If you're in the process of letting it go, how are you working on this?
• If you're still holding onto it, why can't you let this regret go?

New Directory: Blogs on Carrying to Term After Fatal Diagnosis

If you or someone you know has a blog about the experiences of carrying to term after a poor prognosis/fatal diagnosis and would like to share, please leave the links below as a comment.

http://thegiftofrachelslife.blogspot.com/
http://babyfaithhope.blogspot.com/
http://louielovescrystal.com/calvinphoenix/kissesforcalvin/

July's Feature: Carrying to Term after a Poor or Fatal Prognosis

Ten weeks before Faith Hope was born, her mommy, Myah, starting blogging. At her 19-week ultrasound, Myah learned that Faith had anencephaly, a fatal neural tube defect. Despite being told that her baby was unlikely to ever gain consciousness, that her child would not live for more than a few minutes after birth, Myah chose to carry Faith to term.

On her blog, We Walk By Faith, Not By Sight, Myah describes her posts and her reasons for sharing Faith and their story with the world: "The posts here are very personal, emotional, brutally honest, and at times ungraceful. It's not easy for me to share so much of our life with the world. But it is my hope that by sharing our story, God will be glorified for all He has done for us. I also hope that this blog will reach other moms out there who are facing the same prenatal diagnosis that I did."

The first posts are about about Myah's pregnancy: her struggles with preparing for childbirth and for Faith's care, the grief of knowing her baby will not live, the joy she found in feeling her baby hiccup and kick.

After Faith was born crying and very much alive, Myah was able to bring her daughter home. Through the posts, videos, and photos, we get a glimpse into Faith's precious 93 days on earth: eating, smiles, jaundice, squealing, sneezes, ticklish feet. Then, on May 23, 2009, Faith passed away as Myah held her in her arms.

---

Have you faced a fatal diagnosis? Did you choose termination, induction, or carrying to term? Why? How do you feel about the decision you made?

My first baby died from amniotic band sequence. At the NT scan I had at 13 weeks, the ultrasound tech found amniotic bands; that's when we found out about the possibility of limb amputation and were offered the option to terminate. The results of the screening also showed a positive marker for Down's Syndrome. We chose to keep our baby and continue with the pregnancy, preparing for a special needs child, but hoping for the best. Unfortunately, we lost our son at 18 weeks, and after we found out he died, I was induced. The decision

Also, if you or someone you know has a blog about the experiences of carrying to term after a poor prognosis/fatal diagnosis and would like to share, please include the links below. We are working on putting together a new directory to help families going through a similar experience.

A Poem For Fathers

Happy Father's Day. Here is a poem I found for Father's who have lost a child. Often they are forgotten as they care for the mother and other children or hide their grief. But it's days like this that remind us, they lost a child too.

~~ A poem for Fathers ~~

It must be very difficult

To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

by Eileen Knight Hagemeister

Question: What Makes You Grateful

I would like to make this a writing project. Please take the below topic and write about it on your own blog. It's a way for us to connect and also for those who may be new to meet some people and get a different perspective. Comment here with a link to your post on your blog and please reference The DBC on your blog when posting. Feel free to also use the below graphic which you can simply save to your computer and place as a picture within your blog post. I hope you'll participate.

Gratitude. Since the loss of my child(ren) the one thing I am most grateful for is...? I know now that before my loss I took ... for granted? From now on I will make sure to recognize ... in my life and it's importance to me?

June's Feature: A New Blog

AJ has just recently started her blog, "Rainbow Making 101." She and her husband started TTC in March of 2010 and were pregnant by July. Unfortunately they lost their first child in August of 2010. Rainbow Making 101 is a story of their new journey to conceive their Rainbow Baby.

This is one definition of a Rainbow Baby, not sure who authored this, I found it on Babycenter.

Rainbow babies: In some circles, babies born to families after the loss of a child are referred to as "Rainbow Babies." The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. "Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.


AJ's blog gives a very detailed account of their struggle to conceive since the loss of their child. She shares her TTC Timeline on the right side of the blog and through her posts gives a very personal account of the ups and downs of testing, the dreaded 2WW, the emotional rollercoaster that is TTC and my favourite post of hers, "Rainbow Making A - Z."

Most of us know what a tumultous time TTC can be so please head over to AJ's blog and lend her some support.

If you are in the process of TTC and would like to share please leave a comment with your story or link to your blog.

New Directory: Blogs on TTC and Infertility After Loss

This is a blog directory of Mom's who are currently trying to conceive or struggling with infertility after a previous baby loss. Often times conceiving a child after the loss of another can be especially difficult, not just physically but there is an emotional toll on the families as well.

http://myangelsinheaven.blogspot.com/

http://lifewithoutbrenna.blogspot.com/

http://onceamother.blogspot.com/search/label/infertility

http://margaretsundone.blogspot.com/

http://fragments.louielovescrystal.com/

If you would like to submit a blog written by a dead baby momma simply add it in the comment section. Also, if there is a misprint, please accept my apologies and inform me ASAP!

PAIL Events

I would like to create an Event page for Pregnancy and Infant Loss events in any area. If you have an event in your area such as a Butterfly Release or Candle Lighting please email me or comment on this post. I will add it to the Event Page. As much information as you can provide is appreciated, a link to the website, address, time, date, activity, etc. Don't worry about where you live or if you feel it's "too local," as readers come here from all over the place.

lilyorange2@yahoo.ca

Question: How was your Mother's Day?

Mother's Day is one of the more difficult holidays for many baby loss mommies because it brings with it doubt, especially for women who have lost their only children (Am I still a mother?), and because it makes the void in one's heart and in one's lineup of living children all the more apparent.

Now that this bittersweet holiday has come and gone, can you share how it was for you?

• If this was your first Mother's Day after a loss, did it turn out as you expected?
• If this isn't your first, has it changed for you? Has it gotten any better?
• Did you do or receive anything that made this day special for you?
• Were you able to honor your baby/babies?
• Was there anything you wish someone had done for you?

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to everyone out there. Whether you have a child in your arms or not you are still a Mother and I hope you take time to care for yourself and do something special FOR YOU tomorrow.

A Mother's Day Ode by Susan Mosquera

I am your mother, but you, my child, I cannot hold.
It'll get easier with time, or so I'm told.
People may forget that I am your mother.
I'm part of a secret club we only share with one another.
But that doesn't diminish my love for you.
I think of you the whole day through.
I wonder what you're doing, my Precious Little One.
We are connected by an infinite bond, which cannot come undone.
I will not let death tear us apart.
I promise to always keep you alive in my heart.