Surviving the Holidays

The holidays are always tough after a loss. But when that loss is your precious little one it is exceptionally tough. Some of us are experiencing our first Christmas with broken dreams. Instead of picking out stockings and "Baby's First" accessories we are trying to find ways to memorialize and honour our children. I found the below article on this website and wanted to share. Please feel free to leave any of your own experiences or suggestions in the comments. I pray you are all able to find some peace and joy in the holiday season. xoxo Elaine

In our lives there are many holidays or special days, such as birthdays, anniversaries graduations, weddings, and Easter, to name a few. These are all difficult days for the bereaved, but for many, the most difficult holiday of the year is Christmas. This day more than any other means family together. They are synonymous and it is at this time we are so acutely aware of the void in our lives. For many the wish is to go from Dec. 24 to Dec. 26. We continually hear Christmas Carols, people wishing everyone, “Merry Christmas”; see the perfect gift for our dead child, spouse, or relative and suddenly realize they will not be here. Listed below are some ideas and suggestions that others have found helpful in coping with the Holiday Season. Choose the ones that will help you.
1. Family get-togethers may be extremely difficult. Be honest with each other about your feelings. Sit down with your family and decide what you want to do for the holiday season. Don’t set expectations too high for yourself or the day. If you wish things to be the same, you are going to be disappointed. Do things a little differently. Undertake only what each family member can handle comfortably.
2. There is no right or wrong way to handle the day. Some may wish to follow family traditions, while others may choose to change.
3. Keep in mind the feelings of your children or family members. Try to make the holiday season as joyous as possible for them.
4. Be careful of “shoulds.” It is better to do what is most helpful for you and your family. If a situation looks especially difficult over the holidays, don’t get involved if possible.
5. Set limitations. Realize that it isn’t going to be easy. Do the things that are very special and/or important to you. Do the best that you can.
6. Once you have made the decision on the role you and your family will play during the holidays, let relatives and friends know.
7. Baking and cleaning the house can get out of proportion. If these chores are enjoyable, go ahead, but not to the point that it is tiring. Either buy baked goods or go without this year.
8. If you used to cut your own tree, consider buying it already cut this year. Let your children, other family members, neighboring teens, friends, or people from your church help with the decorating of the tree and house. If you choose not to have a tree this year, get a ceramic tree or a small table top tree.
9. Emotionally, physically, and psychologically it is draining. You need every bit of strength. Try to get enough rest.
10. What you choose to do the first year you don’t have to do the next.
11. One possibility for the first year may be to visit relatives, friends, or even go away on a vacation. Planning, packing, etc., keeps your mind somewhat off the holiday and you share the time in a different and hopefully less painful setting.
12. How do we answer, “Happy Holidays?” You may say, “I’ll try” or “Best wishes to you.” You think of many answers that you don’t say.
13. If shopping seems to be too much, have your relatives or a close friend help you. Consider shopping through a catalogue.
14. If you are accustomed to having Christmas dinner at your home, change and go to relatives, or change the time (instead of 2 p.m., make it 4 p.m.). Some find it helpful to be involved in the activity of preparing a large meal. Serving buffet style and/or eating in a different room may help.
15. Try attending religious services at a different time or church or synagogue.
16. Some people fear crying in public, especially at religious services. It is usually better not to push the tears down any time. You should be gentle with yourself and not expect too much of yourself. Worrying about crying is an additional burden. If you let go and cry, you probably will feel better. It should not ruin the day for other family members, but will provide them with the same freedom.
17. Cut back on your card sending. It is not necessary to send cards, especially to those people we will see over the holidays.
18. Do something for someone else, such as volunteer work at soup kitchens or visit the lonely and shut-ins. Ask someone who is alone to share the day with your family. Provide help for a needy family.
19. Donate a gift or money in your loved one’s name.
20. Share your concerns, feelings, apprehensions, etc. with a relative or friend as the holiday approaches. Tell them that this is a difficult time for you. Accept their help. You will appreciate their love and support at this time.
21. Holidays often magnify feelings of loss of a loved one. It is important and natural to experience the sadness that comes. To block such feelings is unhealthy. Keep the positive memory of the loved one alive.
22. Often after the first year the people in your life may expect you to be over it. We are never over it but the experience of many bereaved is that eventually they enjoy the holidays again. Hold on to hope.
23. Don’t forget, anticipation of any holiday is much worse than the actual holiday.
from *Hope for the Bereaved* (now out of print)
GriefNet grants anyone the right to reprint this information without request for compensation so long as the copy is not used for profit and so long as this paragraph is reprinted in its entirety with any copied portion.

Suggested Read or Holiday Gift Idea

A new book, shared to us from Rowman & Littlefield Publishers

"They Were Still Born is a thoughtful and intimate volume written with first hand accounts of stillbirths to help heal and guide others who must deal with this heartbreak. Stillbirth, defined as the death of an infant between 20 weeks gestation and birth, is a tragedy repeated 30,000 times every year in the United States . That means more than 80 mothers a day feel their babies slip silently from their bodies, the only sound in the delivery room their own sobs. Eighty stillborn babies a day means heartbroken families mourn the death of children who will never breathe, gurgle, learn to walk or go to school.
In 2006, author Janel Atlas became one of those mothers who left the hospital with empty arms; her second daughter, Beatrice Dianne, was stillborn at 36 weeks. Reaching out for comfort, she realized a dire need shared by so many others like her and so was born a collection of new essays by writers each sharing their firsthand experiences with stillbirth. Not limited to mothers, she has selected mothers, fathers, and grandparents, all of whom have first person narratives to offer readers. Grieving parents will turn to the book for the comfort of knowing they are not alone on this painful path, for validation of their babies' lives, and for guidance from those who have gone before them. Finally, They Were Still Born will inspire readers to write their own stories, as well as show them how to do so.
No parent- or grandparent-to-be sets out planning to purchase They Were Still Born. Unfortunately, there will always be readers-devastated, grieving, and searching for voices to help them through-who need it."

Do you have any book suggestions OR holiday gift ideas for bereaved parents or family?

December's Feature - Subsequent Pregnancy

Sorry, this is late. My daughter and I have had the stomach flu. :( I also didn't get any submissions for this month so I'm just going to write a bit about my own experience, ask some questions and list some blogs that I follow where the BLM is having a subsequent pregnancy.

I found out that I was pregnant with my Pheonix baby on September 17th. The day before my son's due date. It was a blessing because I knew his due date would be rough on me. All of the expectations of having him here with us. We are obviously thrilled but considerable nervous. I stay pretty calm and collected most days but some days I am a wreck of worry and anxiety. Luckily I am getting more medical attention this time around so I have more chances to relieve my fears. I just posted today on my blog about how I am treating this pregnancy differently than my other two (I have a living daughter who is 5). If you are expecting congratulations! How are you treating this pregnancy different than the last? Are you attending a subsequent pregnancy support group? Did you delay telling people this time around? Are you finding a lot of support online for subsequent pregnancy? Have you already had your baby and are a success story? Please share any links to your blog that you'd like to share regarding your Rainbow. Here are some links to BLM's I follow who are pregnant after loss.

My World

A Rainbow and A Butterfly

Dot's Diner

Thanksgiving

The Canadian Thanksgiving has come and gone but I know the American one is approaching. This year what will you be Thankful for? In the midst of loss and grief what shining moments have you had that have made you thankful? Are you blogging about it this month? Are you doing anything special for you angel during this holiday?

November's Featured Blog: TTC After Loss

I think it is a natural inclination after the loss of a baby to try and try again. It's seems almost instinctual, the desire to procreate, especially after losing a child. Losing a child is after all unnatural. It goes against the very nature of our beings. There is no word for a bereaved parent except just that "bereaved." To share a bit of my personal story, my husband and I lost our son April 13th 2010. We started trying again at the end of May after my next period. It was desperate. I went online and calculated when I would ovulate. There was no romance involved. The conversation went something like this "okay dear I'm ovulating Tuesday to Thursday make sure you're home to make a deposit." That was our code word "deposit." I think most blogs I read from other BLM's involve a dash of TTC. No one seems to be immune from it. This month instead of choosing a blog I've chosen a website. The group at Grieve Out Loud have done a pretty extensive questionnaire and expose on TTC After Loss. Several BLM's filled out and submitted a very personal questionnaire ranging on everything from the emotional aspects of TTC to what sex is like to medical complications to TTC'ing. Part one is posted on the website now with more parts to follow in the future weeks. It is a great read for anyone who is on any part of the TTC journey, from thinking about it, to actively trying to enjoying your subsequent pregnancy.
Grieve Out Loud also has an extensive list of resources and a penpal program so if you have not already checked them out you may want to head over.
Please share in the comments any other sites or blogs you have found resourceful on the TTC topic.

December's Featured Blog Topic will be Subsequent Pregnancy or Rainbow Babies or Pheonix Babies, whatever you choose to call it. Please see the page on the top left corner if you would like to submit a blog to be featured...and please do!! I've had some suggestions but I know there are more readers then suggestions (based on convienient Blogger stats!) received and I'd really like to be choosing blogs that you all want to hear about.

October 15 - International Infant & Pregnancy Loss Day

Remembering all of our babies today!

October's Featured Blog: Multiple Loss

Jessica and her husband have lost two babies in a short period of just 7 months. They are well acquianted with the emotions and grief that accompany multiple loss. Riley grew wings on Febuary 11th 2010 at 6 weeks. Riley's EDD was September 27th 2010. Peyton grew wings on August 19th 2010 at 10 weeks. Peyton's EDD was March 15th 2011. Even with such a great loss Jessica still manages to put on a beautiful smile and reach out to other women in the community. She has started her own personal blog, located here. And she has started a second blog called Heaven's Doves (doves being one of the many things that remind her of her babies), located here. Through her personal blog she is sharing her own recovery story as well as trying to reach out to other BLM's. The purpose of Heaven's Doves is to create photos of baby's names, something we all know brings a small comfort to us Mommas. Please head over and check out Jessica's blog and lend her some support. Please feel free to comment with any blogs or links you found regarding Multiple Loss, or with your own story.

Topic for November: TTC After Loss: please see "Featured Monthly Blog Submissions" page on the left hand corner of blog for rules and deadline.

Today is International Babylost Father's Day

Just sharing this link. Happy Father's Day to all of the Daddies out there!

Question - Sibling Loss

How did you tell your living children about the loss of their sibling? How much information do you give based on their age? Did you use any books to help explain?
If you are planning on having future children how will you tell them about the sibling that came before them?
Have you written about this on your own blog or is there another blog or internet resource you found most helpful?

September's Feature: Making Connections

Nicole and her husband Daniel lost their precious daughter Avery Nicole at 25 weeks on March 13th 2010. Avery Nicole was born sleeping due to MTHFR C677T and Factor II G20210A, both blood clotting disorders. Nicole began blogging in June as a way to cope with her loss and to channel her thoughts and feelings. Since starting her own blog, The Avery Diaries, http://myaverynicole.blogspot.com/, Nicole has discovered the huge and hugely supportive community of bereaved parents. A community quick to lend support or a shoulder to cry on. Wanting to do more to reach out to these other parents Nicole set up a new blog aptly titled "BLM Penpals." It is nothing fancy or expensive. Just a group of mostly mom's lending support and encouragement specifically on the days when we need it the most, i.e. due dates and special occasions. Imagine how it feels to walk to your mailbox and see a note or a card from another parent who happened to be thinking of you that week. I myself as a member also find it exciting to go out and look for little trinkets or cards that remind me of the women I spend so much time with online. Nicole has done an amazing job in honouring her daughters life and in reaching out to make connections with other parents. Please go over and check out her blog. Please feel free to leave any supportive comments here for Nicole and if you are interested you can find the information for the BLM Penpal program on Nicole's personal blog. Feel free to share with us any other links you've found helpful in making connections within the community.

October's Feature: Multiple Loss

Please submit nominations on the topic of multiple losses. What blog have you found to be the most helpful? If you are interested in submitting a blog please review the new page "Featured Monthly Blog Submittions" for rules and deadlines.

Question - October 15th

October 15th is International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.


What are you doing, or going to be a part of, to memorialize the life of your darling child(ren)?



If you are looking for an event, check this site.  Don't see your area, and have something planned?  Let us know here by leaving a comment, and also submit your event here so others may know and remember with you.

-Amanda

**I am not affiliated with the October 15th site linked above.  I have bought items from Robyn, and we've emailed a few times as fellow BLMs.  

A Letter to Friends and Family

I have really been thinking a lot lately of what I would like to tell people and how I would like to explain my feelings and grief to my loved ones. I found this great letter online and thought I'd share it. Have you written your own version? What would you add or delete? If you have something similar on your own blog or website please share.

What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss: A letter from women to their friends and family
By: Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar.The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.**Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.**Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.**Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between losing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.**Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?**Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.**Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.**Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.**Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.**Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.**Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died" or "when I was pregnant" don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.**Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.**Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.~Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.~Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.~Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.If you're my boss or my co-worker:~Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.~Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.

Scrapbooking Tips

I have started seriously thinking about how I am going to scrapbook my son's memories. I don't have any photos of him but have some other things. Has anyone blogged about their own scrapbooking activies? Please share the link or just leave a comment with ideas you might have of how we can scrapbook our precious memories. Any free online resources you've found?

Elaine
http://www.wavesoverstones.blogspot.com/

Welcoming our new coauthors

I am pleased to announce the addition of three new coauthors to the DBC blog team.

Please welcome Elaine from Waves Over Stones with her son Blaine, Amanda from This Girl Will Never Be The Same with her two sons Rowan and Levi along with Jess from Epic Fail with her son Joel. The addition of three new perspectives all from a different stage in the grief journey should prove to be a resourceful addition to our blog. Feel free to check out each ones story on their personal blogs, and given them all a warm welcome.

Our new look

We've updated the look here at the DBC blog after a few suggestions that the blog seemed "depressing" with its black color scheme. Let us know how you like the new look, and/or if anything is funky.

Question

Someone on FB recently asked me how loosing my son affected my marraige. I thought that I would post that question here for all of you to answer. You can answer in the comment section, or on your own blog (just be sure to comment here with a link to your answer).


How has the death of your child affected your marraige/relationship?

Question

Upon visiting my son's memorial tree this evening I was surprised to see that some random stranger had planted flowers at the base of his tree. You can see that story here.

Have you experienced a random stranger honoring your child, and if so, in what way?

Question

How has the devestation surrounding your babyloss affected your relationship with your parents?

International Babylost Mother's Day

International Babylost Mother's Day (The FIRST Sunday in May) is another wonderful project from Carly over at Love Reign Over Me (she is also the creator of To Write Their Names in the Sand, which is a wonderful way to honor our babies).

Have you checked this out yet? There's a link on the photo above to this new project. Carly is organizing a special project to go along with the day. A babylost-awareness movie clip to put on YouTube of babylost Momma's. If you'd like to take part, click here.

Waterfall Angels - Name Memorial

I love it when parents come up with a way to memorialize our children. Seems I can never get enough of it! Waterfall Angels is just that, a beautiful way to remember our babies. Lisa (mommy to Jasper) is writting names on a lovely river rock and then taking them down to Rainbow Springs State Park in Florida and taking pictures. She then lovingly uploads them to her blog for the parents to click on the photo and save a copy to their computers. I just loved the ones she did for my sweet Logan. You can see them here. Thank you Lisa for giving me one more sweet reminder.

What Etsy has to offer Baby Loss Families

Etsy, if you don't already know, is like eBay (with out the bidding) for handmade items. There are a few things on there for people who have suffered through infant loss, miscarriage and stillbirth. One thing that stood out to me was a shop that sold handmade cards named A Loss Remembered. There is also jewelery, sculptures and whatnot. Anyhow, I just wanted to take a minute and point out this card maker since there are few places to find cards for our special circumstance.

Question

After your own baby died, did you experience the loss of a friend or family member's baby? How did you react or feel? What did you say or do for that person after their loss?