Friday, December 25, 2009
Question of the week
Merry Christmas, or have a happy holiday no matter which one you celebrate this time of year. But being that today is in fact Christmas Day, how was your holiday with out your little one? Feel free to share your tearful moments, your hopes for next year, how you thought this day would go...and then how it really did, or any happy moments or speckles of peace you found today.
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Christmas went pretty good. I thought of Carleigh but wasn't really sad. I actually forgot to light a candle for her b/c I was so involved in doing things and spending time with my family. I can't believe I forgot but I know that she doesn't mind. She was in my heart.
It was really hard at first. We went to the cemetery before we went anywhere. Then once I was at my parents house it became harder. I brought one of Lukas' bigger toy stuffed frogs. I held onto it when I thought I need a little something more. As the day went on, I thought about him but as I am not as comfortable with my in-laws with my grief I held it in.
Sadly, or not, Christmas commenced as it usually would around my house. A lot of traveling, stress and not a whole lot of fun. I tried not to think of Logan. There were times when I wouldn't be able to keep it from happening. Like when my cousin who had a daughter when Logan was due, put her little one on Santa's lap at our gathering, and I couldn't help but look away and pretend like I wasn't dying a little. Or when my daughter was eating Christmas dinner and the dinning room was over flowing and I wondered what I would have done with Logan and a second high chair, where would he have been sitting, what would he have been eating? There were tough moments, but oddly enough when the ball dropped on NYE that was the toughest. I really fought back the tears. So glad that 2009 was finally over, and horrified that the year of my son was now gone. Relieved that tiem was moving forward and scared all at the same time. What made it harder was that I expected Christmas to be difficult, but I never gave a second thought to New Years.
When I was writing Christmas cards, I retrieved a condolence card that had someone's wife's name on it. That got me to reminiscing a bit. And a thought that when I wake up Christmas Day, I was going to "talk" to my son. Sadly, I didn't do that. Mostly forgot. Not that we were busy at the time (my in-laws just left that week), but I guess we were thinking of other things.
Kay Jewelers (I think) had a commercial wherein the husband gives his wife a diamond necklace, and, with their newborn, celebrate their first Christmas together. Let's just say I kept skipping that on my DVR. My wife says she wasn't bothered by it. I was tho...
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