Sunday, November 14, 2010
Thanksgiving
The Canadian Thanksgiving has come and gone but I know the American one is approaching. This year what will you be Thankful for? In the midst of loss and grief what shining moments have you had that have made you thankful? Are you blogging about it this month? Are you doing anything special for you angel during this holiday?
Saturday, October 30, 2010
November's Featured Blog: TTC After Loss
I think it is a natural inclination after the loss of a baby to try and try again. It's seems almost instinctual, the desire to procreate, especially after losing a child. Losing a child is after all unnatural. It goes against the very nature of our beings. There is no word for a bereaved parent except just that "bereaved." To share a bit of my personal story, my husband and I lost our son April 13th 2010. We started trying again at the end of May after my next period. It was desperate. I went online and calculated when I would ovulate. There was no romance involved. The conversation went something like this "okay dear I'm ovulating Tuesday to Thursday make sure you're home to make a deposit." That was our code word "deposit." I think most blogs I read from other BLM's involve a dash of TTC. No one seems to be immune from it. This month instead of choosing a blog I've chosen a website. The group at Grieve Out Loud have done a pretty extensive questionnaire and expose on TTC After Loss. Several BLM's filled out and submitted a very personal questionnaire ranging on everything from the emotional aspects of TTC to what sex is like to medical complications to TTC'ing. Part one is posted on the website now with more parts to follow in the future weeks. It is a great read for anyone who is on any part of the TTC journey, from thinking about it, to actively trying to enjoying your subsequent pregnancy.
Grieve Out Loud also has an extensive list of resources and a penpal program so if you have not already checked them out you may want to head over.
Please share in the comments any other sites or blogs you have found resourceful on the TTC topic.
December's Featured Blog Topic will be Subsequent Pregnancy or Rainbow Babies or Pheonix Babies, whatever you choose to call it. Please see the page on the top left corner if you would like to submit a blog to be featured...and please do!! I've had some suggestions but I know there are more readers then suggestions (based on convienient Blogger stats!) received and I'd really like to be choosing blogs that you all want to hear about.
Grieve Out Loud also has an extensive list of resources and a penpal program so if you have not already checked them out you may want to head over.
Please share in the comments any other sites or blogs you have found resourceful on the TTC topic.
December's Featured Blog Topic will be Subsequent Pregnancy or Rainbow Babies or Pheonix Babies, whatever you choose to call it. Please see the page on the top left corner if you would like to submit a blog to be featured...and please do!! I've had some suggestions but I know there are more readers then suggestions (based on convienient Blogger stats!) received and I'd really like to be choosing blogs that you all want to hear about.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
October's Featured Blog: Multiple Loss
Jessica and her husband have lost two babies in a short period of just 7 months. They are well acquianted with the emotions and grief that accompany multiple loss. Riley grew wings on Febuary 11th 2010 at 6 weeks. Riley's EDD was September 27th 2010. Peyton grew wings on August 19th 2010 at 10 weeks. Peyton's EDD was March 15th 2011. Even with such a great loss Jessica still manages to put on a beautiful smile and reach out to other women in the community. She has started her own personal blog, located here. And she has started a second blog called Heaven's Doves (doves being one of the many things that remind her of her babies), located here. Through her personal blog she is sharing her own recovery story as well as trying to reach out to other BLM's. The purpose of Heaven's Doves is to create photos of baby's names, something we all know brings a small comfort to us Mommas. Please head over and check out Jessica's blog and lend her some support. Please feel free to comment with any blogs or links you found regarding Multiple Loss, or with your own story.
Topic for November: TTC After Loss: please see "Featured Monthly Blog Submissions" page on the left hand corner of blog for rules and deadline.
Topic for November: TTC After Loss: please see "Featured Monthly Blog Submissions" page on the left hand corner of blog for rules and deadline.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Today is International Babylost Father's Day
Just sharing this link. Happy Father's Day to all of the Daddies out there!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Question - Sibling Loss
How did you tell your living children about the loss of their sibling? How much information do you give based on their age? Did you use any books to help explain?
If you are planning on having future children how will you tell them about the sibling that came before them?
Have you written about this on your own blog or is there another blog or internet resource you found most helpful?
If you are planning on having future children how will you tell them about the sibling that came before them?
Have you written about this on your own blog or is there another blog or internet resource you found most helpful?
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
September's Feature: Making Connections
Nicole and her husband Daniel lost their precious daughter Avery Nicole at 25 weeks on March 13th 2010. Avery Nicole was born sleeping due to MTHFR C677T and Factor II G20210A, both blood clotting disorders. Nicole began blogging in June as a way to cope with her loss and to channel her thoughts and feelings. Since starting her own blog, The Avery Diaries, http://myaverynicole.blogspot.com/, Nicole has discovered the huge and hugely supportive community of bereaved parents. A community quick to lend support or a shoulder to cry on. Wanting to do more to reach out to these other parents Nicole set up a new blog aptly titled "BLM Penpals." It is nothing fancy or expensive. Just a group of mostly mom's lending support and encouragement specifically on the days when we need it the most, i.e. due dates and special occasions. Imagine how it feels to walk to your mailbox and see a note or a card from another parent who happened to be thinking of you that week. I myself as a member also find it exciting to go out and look for little trinkets or cards that remind me of the women I spend so much time with online. Nicole has done an amazing job in honouring her daughters life and in reaching out to make connections with other parents. Please go over and check out her blog. Please feel free to leave any supportive comments here for Nicole and if you are interested you can find the information for the BLM Penpal program on Nicole's personal blog. Feel free to share with us any other links you've found helpful in making connections within the community.
October's Feature: Multiple Loss
Please submit nominations on the topic of multiple losses. What blog have you found to be the most helpful? If you are interested in submitting a blog please review the new page "Featured Monthly Blog Submittions" for rules and deadlines.
October's Feature: Multiple Loss
Please submit nominations on the topic of multiple losses. What blog have you found to be the most helpful? If you are interested in submitting a blog please review the new page "Featured Monthly Blog Submittions" for rules and deadlines.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Question - October 15th
October 15th is International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.
What are you doing, or going to be a part of, to memorialize the life of your darling child(ren)?
If you are looking for an event, check this site. Don't see your area, and have something planned? Let us know here by leaving a comment, and also submit your event here so others may know and remember with you.
-Amanda
**I am not affiliated with the October 15th site linked above. I have bought items from Robyn, and we've emailed a few times as fellow BLMs.
What are you doing, or going to be a part of, to memorialize the life of your darling child(ren)?
If you are looking for an event, check this site. Don't see your area, and have something planned? Let us know here by leaving a comment, and also submit your event here so others may know and remember with you.
-Amanda
**I am not affiliated with the October 15th site linked above. I have bought items from Robyn, and we've emailed a few times as fellow BLMs.
A Letter to Friends and Family
I have really been thinking a lot lately of what I would like to tell people and how I would like to explain my feelings and grief to my loved ones. I found this great letter online and thought I'd share it. Have you written your own version? What would you add or delete? If you have something similar on your own blog or website please share.
What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss: A letter from women to their friends and family
By: Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer
When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar.The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.**Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.**Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.**Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between losing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.**Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?**Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.**Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.**Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.**Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.**Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.**Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died" or "when I was pregnant" don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.**Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.**Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.~Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.~Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.~Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.If you're my boss or my co-worker:~Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.~Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.
What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss: A letter from women to their friends and family
By: Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer
When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar.The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.**Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.**Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.**Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between losing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.**Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?**Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.**Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.**Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.**Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.**Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.**Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died" or "when I was pregnant" don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.**Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.**Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.~Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.~Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.~Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.If you're my boss or my co-worker:~Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.~Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Scrapbooking Tips
I have started seriously thinking about how I am going to scrapbook my son's memories. I don't have any photos of him but have some other things. Has anyone blogged about their own scrapbooking activies? Please share the link or just leave a comment with ideas you might have of how we can scrapbook our precious memories. Any free online resources you've found?
Elaine
http://www.wavesoverstones.blogspot.com/
Elaine
http://www.wavesoverstones.blogspot.com/
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)