I would like to put together a list of things people can do for their friends or family members who have lost a baby. What things were important to you that you would have liked others to have done when your baby(ies) died? What did you wish they wouldn't have done? Would you have preferred people have called or not? Would you have liked people to ask about the details? Would you have liked to have shared your pictures of your baby? Nothing is off limits, so speak freely.
3 comments:
I avoided phone calls, but it was still nice to get them & have messages from people offering to help any way they could. Emails & things are good, too, we found. May sound selfish that we wanted basically one sided communication, but we liked to know people were thinking about us but not have to interact much the first week or so.
Don't push yourself onto people. We had a couple times were people just invited themselves over. They brought us food, but honestly we wanted to be alone.
If you can, send flowers to the service. My husbands family is usually very big on sending flowers to services. When it came to our son, no one bothered to send flowers. They basically felt it was a "pregnancy loss" & didn't require flowers. That hurt me very much knowing they normally would have sent flowers, only they didn't because my son died inside of me.
Remember that even though I don't have a baby with me, I still just went through child birth. I have stitches, I'm sore, I'm tired along with being emotionally drained. My husbands family isn't understanding at all & actually complained after the fact that I wasn't walking around & chatting with all of them following our sons service. I was too sore to do that, it was still uncomfortable to stand very long, & on that day my milk had just come in on top of everything else. So please, treat us as through we've just been through physical trauma on top of the very hard emotional trauma as well.
Don't be afraid of talking about our babies. My mom uttered my sons name one day, then gasped, blushed, & changed the subject. That hurt more than her talking about him ever would.
Never forget them when talking about our kids. I have an older son & people who know we lost our 2nd son still say "maybe he'll have a little brother or sister one day!" He already has a little brother, he just died. He still existed.
For me, I wanted to share details. I liked people who let me know they were more than willing to talk about anything & everything with me, instead of just blurting out "what happened?!" Asking if I want to talk about it or telling me if I do you'll be there for me is much better.
Basically, let me know the door is open if I want to walk through it. Don't pressure anyone to share or have company even if you think it's best. Don't do what you think you'd want done or what you think should be done. Take your cues from the parents. Everyone grieves differently. Always remember our children existed & don't treat them as though they are some secret.
It was great to have people bring food, and not to sound funny, but not all lasagna, just because thats what everyone brings. We were not of any mind to cook for ourselves, and had it not been for our friends, I think we would have just not eaten.
It really,really helps when people are just patient. It has been a year, and I still don't answer the phone most days. I had a friend who really wanted us to know how much she loved us, but she also knew that we weren't seeing anyone, so she drove to our house and left a beautiful handwritten letter in our mailbox. Finding it, knowing she had made such an effort, it really touched us.
I think it is important to recognize that no anniversary date signifies the end of mourning. Your friend is changed forever because of their loss, they will never, NEVER, be who they were before. I think if, as a friend, you are waiting on things to get back to where they were before the loss, you will be disappointed. It just doesn't happen.
Lastly, don't do anything solely for a reaction. I actually had a "friend", using the term lightly here, who told me that at the funeral of my daughter I didn't thank her as much as I thanked everyone else. I couldn't believe it. It hurt me that she tried to turn my actions on such a difficult day against me, and was taking a tally like that.
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