Happy Valentine's Day

Just thought I'd share...Happy Valentine's to all

http://www.healingheart.net/poetry/precious_child.html

My Precious Child

Life without you isn't the same.
Others seem to forget your name.
The pain at times is so real,
So intense.
I wish I could always feel your presence.
You are my child,
And will always be.
Your light will shine
If only through me.
Life goes on--although you are gone.
Old friends are different--and new ones
Help Mommy move on.
I wish everyone could see--
You that lives on in me.
You are my child,
And will always be.
Your light will shine
If only through me.

Written and shared by Kathy Evans
in loving memory of her son Sean.

A Poem For Fathers

Happy Father's Day. Here is a poem I found for Father's who have lost a child. Often they are forgotten as they care for the mother and other children or hide their grief. But it's days like this that remind us, they lost a child too.

~~ A poem for Fathers ~~

It must be very difficult

To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

by Eileen Knight Hagemeister

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to everyone out there. Whether you have a child in your arms or not you are still a Mother and I hope you take time to care for yourself and do something special FOR YOU tomorrow.

A Mother's Day Ode by Susan Mosquera

I am your mother, but you, my child, I cannot hold.
It'll get easier with time, or so I'm told.
People may forget that I am your mother.
I'm part of a secret club we only share with one another.
But that doesn't diminish my love for you.
I think of you the whole day through.
I wonder what you're doing, my Precious Little One.
We are connected by an infinite bond, which cannot come undone.
I will not let death tear us apart.
I promise to always keep you alive in my heart.

Name Photos

We all know how wonderful and heartwarming it is to receive a photo of our child's name. For some of us we will never have any actual photos of our children. Receiving a photo from someone means that that person has taken the time to think of your child. For one moment in time, somewhere else in the world someone thought your child's name and acted on their behalf. The above is one of my favourites and one of the first that I received for my boy. I received it from Angela mother to Dash.

Do you have a favourite photo of your child's name? Where was it taken? Why is it significant to you?

Do you have a blog where you create free name photos for parents that you would like to share?

A Letter to Friends and Family

I have really been thinking a lot lately of what I would like to tell people and how I would like to explain my feelings and grief to my loved ones. I found this great letter online and thought I'd share it. Have you written your own version? What would you add or delete? If you have something similar on your own blog or website please share.

What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss: A letter from women to their friends and family
By: Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar.The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.**Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.**Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.**Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between losing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.**Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?**Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.**Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.**Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.**Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.**Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.**Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died" or "when I was pregnant" don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.**Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.**Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.~Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.~Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.~Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.If you're my boss or my co-worker:~Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.~Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.

I'd like to blog, but I don't know how.

Blogging is like an online journal. Lots of people find blogging about the death of their baby(ies) a good way to cope, and meet other people in similar shoes. Experts say that keeping a journal may help one through the grieving process.


So, you want to blog, but don't know where to start? First you need to pick a blog hosting site. There are countless ones out there. Here at the DBC I use http://www.blogger.com/ because it is the only one I was familiar with at the onset of my blogging career. I was reading a blog hosted here, and decided to create a blog myself. There are other blog hosting sites such as http://www.livejournal.com/ and http://www.wordpress.com/ or http://www.typepad.com/ to name a few. You can type in "blog" on any search engine and get an extensive list of blog hosting sites.

Once you decide on a host, you need a blog title. For instance, my personal blog is titled "It Only Hurts When I Breathe". Then you'll need a blog address (also known as the URL). This can be the same or different as your blog title. My personal blog address is http://mystolenlight.blogspot.com/ though I now wish that I would have chosen the same name for both, just to keep things simple. Usually that's all you need to get started.

What the heck is a WIDGET? A Widget is a funky little tool you can use on your blog for many different things. Just about anything on the blog that isn't part of a post (a post is where you actually journal) is a widget. For example, Link Lists, Followers, Twitter, Blog Rolls, About Me, Counters, etc. Everyone has their own preference on what type of widgets, if any, they would like to have on their blog.

But it's ugly! There are many websites out there that offer html codes to help you spruce up your blog. They also offer instructions (most of the time). If you use MySpace you may already be aware of this feature. A few websites that offer blog background codes are http://www.thecutestblogontheblock.com/ and http://designerblogsbyerin.blogspot.com/ or http://www.scrapbookgraphics.com/ to mention a few.

Nobody is reading it! In order to get readers and/or "followers" (people who read your blog on a regular basis because they subscribe to the RSS feed) you'll need to be a good blog buddy and read, comment and follow other blogs. You can also post your blog link on catalog websites (http://www.blogcatalogue.com/ is one), Facebook, Twitter, MySpace or other forums.

Tweak the settings. There are many settings that you can tweak to suit your preferences such as allowing comments or not, receiving comment notifications, blogging from your phone or email, archiving, or allowing more than one person to post to the bog. There are many settings that can be played around with and the best way to learn is to explore.

There are lots of ways to make your blog interesting. You can add music, photo's, video's, Twitterings, Links, Blog Rolls and so much more. Some people just prefer the basics, and that's ok too. What ever makes you feel more comfortable.

Other sites with advice and info:
A list of Blog Directories

Blog Hints

Daily Blog Tips

Blog Tips

Pro Blogger Blog Tips

Tips for New Bloggers

Blog Tips for a Better Blog

Dead Baby Book Reviews

Read a book dealing with Miscarriage, Stillbirth or Infant Loss?

Add your review of the book (including title and author) in the comment section below.

List of useful links from About.com on Pregnancy/Infant Loss

I borrowed these links from About.com though this is not the entire article. You can see the original article here. I'm sure I'm breaking some sort of copywrite laws, but I found these links to be a very useful tool here on the DBC blog, so though I don't condone stealing stuff from other websites, you'll have to forgive me.

Breaking the News of a Miscarriage or Stillbirth
Pregnancy loss is hard enough on you as the person experiencing it, but many people also struggle with how to inform friends, relatives, and coworkers of a recent miscarriage or stillbirth.

When Miscarriage Grief Becomes Depression
The signs and symptoms of depression are not that different from the signs of typical grief after a pregnancy loss. Thus, when you are grieving a miscarriage or pregnancy loss, it can be hard to tell whether or not you have developed clinical depression.

Naming Babies Lost to Miscarriage or Stillbirth
Some parents grieving a miscarriage find that naming the baby helps in coping with the pregnancy loss. The decision is personal and different people will have different preferences.

Down Syndrome and Miscarriage
A lesser known fact about Down syndrome (trisomy 21) is that the condition can sometimes cause miscarriage, as is revealed by chromosome tests. Researchers do not know why some babies with Down syndrome are miscarried while others survive to term.

Talking to Children About Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss
Many parents struggle with how to break the news of a miscarriage to their other children. Depending on your children's age, you may choose to explain everything about the pregnancy loss or to not tell them anything at all.

Coping with Unexplained Miscarriage or Stillbirth
More often than not, doctors have no clear answers for why a specific pregnancy loss happened. They know much about general miscarriage causes but can rarely pinpoint an explanation for individual miscarriages and stillbirths, and sometimes this can be hard to accept.

Handling Insensitive Comments from Friends and Relatives After a Miscarriage
Almost everyone who has been through a miscarriage knows about the hurtful and insensitive comments that others can make. Sometimes you can help to educate friends and relatives about what to say to someone who has had a pregnancy loss, but other times you may want to avoid people who make ignorant comments.

What to Do If Your Friend Miscarries While You Are Pregnant
If you are currently pregnant but have a friend going through a miscarriage or stillbirth, here are some important things to keep in mind when you talk to her.

Ultrasound Accuracy for Diagnosing Congenital Birth Defects
Ultrasounds can be fairly accurate for catching certain congenital birth defects, but it cannot provide a guarantee that the baby has no malformations or health conditions. Similarly, an ultrasound can occasionally show a false positive.

October 15th - National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day
Did you know that October 15 is a national remembrance day for miscarriage and pregnancy loss and that October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month? Here's what you can do during the month to remember your baby or spread awareness of pregnancy loss.

What to Say When a Friend or Relative Has Had a Pregnancy Loss
After a miscarriage or pregnancy loss, your friend or relative needs your support. Learn what to say, what to avoid doing, and how you can give your friend or relative space if she needs to grieve the loss of her pregnancy.

Six Things You Can Do to Help Spread Awareness of Pregnancy Loss and Miscarriage
If you feel the call to do something to help support miscarriage and pregnancy loss awareness and research after the experience of your own miscarriage, here are six suggestions.

Chemical Pregnancy or Clinical Pregnancy?
Chemical pregnancy is a potentially confusing term for a very early miscarriage. Here's how to understand the difference between a chemical pregnancy and a clinical pregnancy, and why you might hear the term clinical miscarriage.

How to Cope with Baby Shower Invitations After a Miscarriage
Attending baby showers after a miscarriage can be deeply painful. Here's what to do if you are receiving baby shower invitations while grieving a miscarriage.

Research on the Link Between Stress and Miscarriages
Take a look at the different research studies that have examined a link between pregnancy stress and miscarriages.

©2009 About.com, a part of The New York Times Company.

All rights reserved.

My Baby Died, What Now?

My baby died, what now? Those are the words I kept hearing in my head the first week after my son Logan was stillborn. What do I do now? What do I do with the memories, the tears, the broken heart, the hopes and dreams and the stuff! I still don't know everything about what to do when ones baby dies, but having been there I do know what I did, what I wish I'd have done and that I want to know what others did or would have done. Below you will find some suggestions that I have com across, and please feel free to add your own (using the comment section at the bottom). The end of this article has a few links to articles on other sites that might be worth checking out.


In the back of the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting" there is a section titled "When Something Goes Wrong". Morbid to say the least. I didn't read this section with my first child, to afraid of what could go wrong. But with my second child I did brave the murky waters and read this section. Two weeks later something did go wrong, very wrong. I remembered most of what I had read. Horrible things like that stick with you I guess. Here is a list of things they say you should do to help you cope. However; everyone is different and though this is what the book recommends, it may not necessarily be what is right for you. You should never feel pressured to do anything you do not want to do. Doing so, in the end, may do more harm than good. Some people feel more traumatized by holding their dead child, other's find peace and closure in it. You will know what is right for you. And remember not to push your spouse to do anything they don't feel comfortable with as this may just cause resentment later on. You have enough to deal with, with out adding to it. Retyping this entire section would be daunting to say the least, so this is just an overview. If you would like to read the entire section it is under the title "Coping With Pregnancy Loss"

1. See and hold your baby (if it's possible).
2. Name your baby.
3. Get an Autopsy, and discuss the findings with your doctor.
4. Ask not to be sedated (if possible).
5. Take photos (or ask the nurses too) and save bracelets, a lock of hair, foot & hand prints, crib tags and/or any other tangible memento.
6. Focus on the positive attributes of your child (big eyes, long lashes, lots of hair, Daddy's nose).
7. Cry
8. Expect a difficult time, depression, intense sadness, sleeplessness, etc.
9. Recognize that daddy is grieving too, but may appear shorter and/or less intense.
10. Don't face the world alone. Have a friend fieled the difficult questions about your baby.
11. Expect that friends and family may not know what to say and may withdraw for a while.
12. Expect your pain to lessen over time. The grieving process is often not fully completed for as long as two years, but the worst is usually over within 6 months. Be aware that the pain may never go away entirely.
13. Seek support. Either through online friends (like other mommies in blog land), support groups or therapy.
14. Limit the use of sedatives (pills, booze, whatever).
15. Turn to religion if you find it comforting.
16. Don't expect that having another baby will resolve any grief.
17. Recognize that quilt can compound grief.

Other dead baby parents and experts say this:

1. Blog. Blog your heart out. Some like to do this anonymously.
2. Read other blogs from parents who've lost a baby.
3. Make a cast or mold of your child, their face, hands, feet...anything.
4. Take pictures of you holding your child
5. Take pictures of each body part, naked (since the staff may not know what you'll want to remember).
6. Remember you probably have a camera on your cell phone.
7. Tell people via email instead of in person.
8. Baptize your baby, or have them blessed.
9. Take time off of work (Daddies too!)
10. Scrapbook
11. Keep a journal.
12. Write your baby letters.
13. Write poetry, music or create art in memory of your baby.
14. Plant a Tree or Garden in Memory of your baby.
15. Get a piece of jewelery with your child's name or birthstone.
16. Get your child's name written in the sand or a name print or similar.
17. Name a Star after your baby.
18. Have a memorial service or funeral.
19. Get an urn or special box for your child's ashes.
20. Postpone major decisions (like moving, getting rid of a pet, getting a pet, switching jobs)
21. Talk to your partner, and then talk some more. No one "gets it" like they do.
22. Get a lot of sleep, eat right and exercise (nothing burns of anger like cardio).
23. Join a support group
24. Get a new hobby or obsession (like blogging, scrapbooking, golf, creating memory boxes or afghans to donate to a hospital for other baby loss families)
25. Be prepared for ignorant and insensitive comments and then dismiss them.
26. Don't be afraid to tell people you're the parent of a dead baby.
27. Don't feel obligated to explain or offer details.
28. Attend a memorial event often offered by the hospital or local organization.
29. Celebrate your child's birthday
30. Create a special place in your home for your child's memories

Websites with similar articles

Baby Center

Mayo Clinic

About.com

Baby Fit

Pen Pal Volunteers

One of the ways I have personaly been able to cope is through the use of a DBM/D Pen Pal. I have both a mom and a dad that I email when I need to talk about Logan and grieve in a setting other than on a blog. It's been a blessing to be able to have a one on one with others who are in similar shoes, to hear about their struggles, to ask questions, to offer comfort to them and to relate to. I would like to try to offer such a service through the DBC blog. So, we need volunteers; memebers of the club who don't mind sharing an email address (which will not be posted for the world to gain access through but be added to a private list for my eyes alone) that I can contact them through with contact info for a member who would like a pen pal. If you would like to make yourself available to take on a friend or two, please contact me via email here at the DBC and I will add you to my private list.

Contact The Dead Baby Club

Songs that Comfort

This is a list of songs and music that have given members of the DBC comfort, or songs they can relate to. We've added a music player, but not all songs are available for use with the player. You can add to our playlist for the music player, or you can submit a song to our comfort list (a link to the lyrics or another site that hosts the song would be nice). We also encourage music you have written to be submitted (a link to hear your song would be nice if it's available).


Comfort Song List
Address in the Stars - Caitlin & Will
Held - Natalie Grant
He's My Son - Mark Shultz
Cry on my Shoulder - Overflow
Homesick - Mercy Me
You Wouldn't Cry (Andrew's Song) - Mandisa
I Still Miss You - Keith Anderson
Living for the Night - George Straight
If Your Going Through Hell - Rodney Atkins
Angel - Robbie Williams
Shelter in the Rain - Stevie Wonder
Smile - Chris Rice
Hold My heart - Tenth Avenue North (Lyrics UA)

We've added a music player

We've added a music player (thanks Mary)! One that you can add appropriate songs too (which we reserve the right to edit). You can add songs to our playlist by clicking here. Please make sure the music works and sounds good. You can view the music player at the bottom of the home screen. The idea of the music playlist is to have songs that you relate to, or that have given you comfort in your grief. They do not need to be cheery songs, add what you feel (though nothing obscene please). You can also add a suggestion in the comments field below. Unfortunately not all songs are available on the playlist site that hosts our player, but they have a pretty large library.