Surviving the Holidays

The holidays are always tough after a loss. But when that loss is your precious little one it is exceptionally tough. Some of us are experiencing our first Christmas with broken dreams. Instead of picking out stockings and "Baby's First" accessories we are trying to find ways to memorialize and honour our children. I found the below article on this website and wanted to share. Please feel free to leave any of your own experiences or suggestions in the comments. I pray you are all able to find some peace and joy in the holiday season. xoxo Elaine

In our lives there are many holidays or special days, such as birthdays, anniversaries graduations, weddings, and Easter, to name a few. These are all difficult days for the bereaved, but for many, the most difficult holiday of the year is Christmas. This day more than any other means family together. They are synonymous and it is at this time we are so acutely aware of the void in our lives. For many the wish is to go from Dec. 24 to Dec. 26. We continually hear Christmas Carols, people wishing everyone, “Merry Christmas”; see the perfect gift for our dead child, spouse, or relative and suddenly realize they will not be here. Listed below are some ideas and suggestions that others have found helpful in coping with the Holiday Season. Choose the ones that will help you.
1. Family get-togethers may be extremely difficult. Be honest with each other about your feelings. Sit down with your family and decide what you want to do for the holiday season. Don’t set expectations too high for yourself or the day. If you wish things to be the same, you are going to be disappointed. Do things a little differently. Undertake only what each family member can handle comfortably.
2. There is no right or wrong way to handle the day. Some may wish to follow family traditions, while others may choose to change.
3. Keep in mind the feelings of your children or family members. Try to make the holiday season as joyous as possible for them.
4. Be careful of “shoulds.” It is better to do what is most helpful for you and your family. If a situation looks especially difficult over the holidays, don’t get involved if possible.
5. Set limitations. Realize that it isn’t going to be easy. Do the things that are very special and/or important to you. Do the best that you can.
6. Once you have made the decision on the role you and your family will play during the holidays, let relatives and friends know.
7. Baking and cleaning the house can get out of proportion. If these chores are enjoyable, go ahead, but not to the point that it is tiring. Either buy baked goods or go without this year.
8. If you used to cut your own tree, consider buying it already cut this year. Let your children, other family members, neighboring teens, friends, or people from your church help with the decorating of the tree and house. If you choose not to have a tree this year, get a ceramic tree or a small table top tree.
9. Emotionally, physically, and psychologically it is draining. You need every bit of strength. Try to get enough rest.
10. What you choose to do the first year you don’t have to do the next.
11. One possibility for the first year may be to visit relatives, friends, or even go away on a vacation. Planning, packing, etc., keeps your mind somewhat off the holiday and you share the time in a different and hopefully less painful setting.
12. How do we answer, “Happy Holidays?” You may say, “I’ll try” or “Best wishes to you.” You think of many answers that you don’t say.
13. If shopping seems to be too much, have your relatives or a close friend help you. Consider shopping through a catalogue.
14. If you are accustomed to having Christmas dinner at your home, change and go to relatives, or change the time (instead of 2 p.m., make it 4 p.m.). Some find it helpful to be involved in the activity of preparing a large meal. Serving buffet style and/or eating in a different room may help.
15. Try attending religious services at a different time or church or synagogue.
16. Some people fear crying in public, especially at religious services. It is usually better not to push the tears down any time. You should be gentle with yourself and not expect too much of yourself. Worrying about crying is an additional burden. If you let go and cry, you probably will feel better. It should not ruin the day for other family members, but will provide them with the same freedom.
17. Cut back on your card sending. It is not necessary to send cards, especially to those people we will see over the holidays.
18. Do something for someone else, such as volunteer work at soup kitchens or visit the lonely and shut-ins. Ask someone who is alone to share the day with your family. Provide help for a needy family.
19. Donate a gift or money in your loved one’s name.
20. Share your concerns, feelings, apprehensions, etc. with a relative or friend as the holiday approaches. Tell them that this is a difficult time for you. Accept their help. You will appreciate their love and support at this time.
21. Holidays often magnify feelings of loss of a loved one. It is important and natural to experience the sadness that comes. To block such feelings is unhealthy. Keep the positive memory of the loved one alive.
22. Often after the first year the people in your life may expect you to be over it. We are never over it but the experience of many bereaved is that eventually they enjoy the holidays again. Hold on to hope.
23. Don’t forget, anticipation of any holiday is much worse than the actual holiday.
from *Hope for the Bereaved* (now out of print)
GriefNet grants anyone the right to reprint this information without request for compensation so long as the copy is not used for profit and so long as this paragraph is reprinted in its entirety with any copied portion.

How Food Affects Your Mood - Article

I read this in a recent newsletter I get from http://www.sparkpeopl.com/ on depression/dieting.  I thought I would sahre it here.


How Food Affects Your Mood


Although the foods you eat cannot treat depression, your diet does have significant effects on your mood, energy levels, mental health, and your ability to cope with stress. If you suffer from depression or seasonal affective disorder (SAD), certain dietary changes can help you get well when combined with a treatment program outlined by your health care provider.

Structure your meals. Eat at approximately the same times each day and don't skip meals. Enjoy three well-balanced meals and plan snacks between meals.

Eat quality nutrients. Try incorporating more whole foods, fruits and veggies, and healthy fats.

Consume plenty of calories. Eating less than 1,000 calories per day reduces the amount of serotonin in the brain, which increases symptoms of depression and its chances of recurring.

Go for omega-3s. These fatty acids can help with depression, by affecting cell signals in the brain. Foods rich in omega-3s include salmon, sardines, mackerel, soybeans, walnuts, ground flaxseed and more.

Cut back on caffeine. Caffeine acts as a stimulant, making you feel anxious and interfering with sleep patterns. Consume no more than 200- 300 milligrams daily.

Avoid alcohol and drugs. They interact with medications and addictive or abusive behaviors can prevent you from a full recovery.

Eat plenty of carbs. They increase the amount of serotonin in the brain, improving mood and decreasing symptoms of depression. Aim for at least 130 grams of carbohydrates from foods like whole grains, fruits and veggies each day.

Depression is difficult for anyone who lives with it. It can sap your motivation to care for yourself, eat well, and exercise--the very things that can help you feel better. While dietary changes alone aren't a surefire way to prevent or treat depression, they can help you feel better when combined with the treatment options that your health care provider recommends.

Exercise Improves Depression - Article

I read this in a newsletter for depression that I signed up for on http://www.sparkpeople.com/ and thought I would share it here.


Exercise Improves Depression



The idea that regular exercise can improve symptoms of depression and anxiety has been around for thousands of years. If you suffer from major depression, exercise probably won't be the only treatment you'll need, but it will help along with your treatment plan. Working out can enhance the benefits of antidepressant medications, and even produce similar results. But while medication and psychotherapy can take weeks to work, you can start feeling the positive effects of exercise right away.

Research shows that exercise:

Positively effects the same neurotransmitters that antidepressant medications target

Produces feel-good brain chemicals called "endorphins," which promote the sense of well-being and satisfaction

Releases tension in muscles that contributes to depression-related soreness and insomnia

Reduces levels of the stress hormone cortisol, relieving feelings of anxiety and agitation

Raises body temperature, which appears to have calming effects

Exercise can also promote the following psychological and emotional changes:

Distraction. Exercise compels you to focus on something besides your troubles for a little while, helping you find pleasure.

Confidence. By meeting a goal, like a small amount of exercise each day, you can begin to rebuild confidence and self-esteem.

Self-respect. Taking the time to do something positive to help yourself every day can help you reconnect with the part of you that wants to be healthy and productive.

List of useful links from About.com on Pregnancy/Infant Loss

I borrowed these links from About.com though this is not the entire article. You can see the original article here. I'm sure I'm breaking some sort of copywrite laws, but I found these links to be a very useful tool here on the DBC blog, so though I don't condone stealing stuff from other websites, you'll have to forgive me.

Breaking the News of a Miscarriage or Stillbirth
Pregnancy loss is hard enough on you as the person experiencing it, but many people also struggle with how to inform friends, relatives, and coworkers of a recent miscarriage or stillbirth.

When Miscarriage Grief Becomes Depression
The signs and symptoms of depression are not that different from the signs of typical grief after a pregnancy loss. Thus, when you are grieving a miscarriage or pregnancy loss, it can be hard to tell whether or not you have developed clinical depression.

Naming Babies Lost to Miscarriage or Stillbirth
Some parents grieving a miscarriage find that naming the baby helps in coping with the pregnancy loss. The decision is personal and different people will have different preferences.

Down Syndrome and Miscarriage
A lesser known fact about Down syndrome (trisomy 21) is that the condition can sometimes cause miscarriage, as is revealed by chromosome tests. Researchers do not know why some babies with Down syndrome are miscarried while others survive to term.

Talking to Children About Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss
Many parents struggle with how to break the news of a miscarriage to their other children. Depending on your children's age, you may choose to explain everything about the pregnancy loss or to not tell them anything at all.

Coping with Unexplained Miscarriage or Stillbirth
More often than not, doctors have no clear answers for why a specific pregnancy loss happened. They know much about general miscarriage causes but can rarely pinpoint an explanation for individual miscarriages and stillbirths, and sometimes this can be hard to accept.

Handling Insensitive Comments from Friends and Relatives After a Miscarriage
Almost everyone who has been through a miscarriage knows about the hurtful and insensitive comments that others can make. Sometimes you can help to educate friends and relatives about what to say to someone who has had a pregnancy loss, but other times you may want to avoid people who make ignorant comments.

What to Do If Your Friend Miscarries While You Are Pregnant
If you are currently pregnant but have a friend going through a miscarriage or stillbirth, here are some important things to keep in mind when you talk to her.

Ultrasound Accuracy for Diagnosing Congenital Birth Defects
Ultrasounds can be fairly accurate for catching certain congenital birth defects, but it cannot provide a guarantee that the baby has no malformations or health conditions. Similarly, an ultrasound can occasionally show a false positive.

October 15th - National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day
Did you know that October 15 is a national remembrance day for miscarriage and pregnancy loss and that October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month? Here's what you can do during the month to remember your baby or spread awareness of pregnancy loss.

What to Say When a Friend or Relative Has Had a Pregnancy Loss
After a miscarriage or pregnancy loss, your friend or relative needs your support. Learn what to say, what to avoid doing, and how you can give your friend or relative space if she needs to grieve the loss of her pregnancy.

Six Things You Can Do to Help Spread Awareness of Pregnancy Loss and Miscarriage
If you feel the call to do something to help support miscarriage and pregnancy loss awareness and research after the experience of your own miscarriage, here are six suggestions.

Chemical Pregnancy or Clinical Pregnancy?
Chemical pregnancy is a potentially confusing term for a very early miscarriage. Here's how to understand the difference between a chemical pregnancy and a clinical pregnancy, and why you might hear the term clinical miscarriage.

How to Cope with Baby Shower Invitations After a Miscarriage
Attending baby showers after a miscarriage can be deeply painful. Here's what to do if you are receiving baby shower invitations while grieving a miscarriage.

Research on the Link Between Stress and Miscarriages
Take a look at the different research studies that have examined a link between pregnancy stress and miscarriages.

©2009 About.com, a part of The New York Times Company.

All rights reserved.

My Baby Died, What Now?

My baby died, what now? Those are the words I kept hearing in my head the first week after my son Logan was stillborn. What do I do now? What do I do with the memories, the tears, the broken heart, the hopes and dreams and the stuff! I still don't know everything about what to do when ones baby dies, but having been there I do know what I did, what I wish I'd have done and that I want to know what others did or would have done. Below you will find some suggestions that I have com across, and please feel free to add your own (using the comment section at the bottom). The end of this article has a few links to articles on other sites that might be worth checking out.


In the back of the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting" there is a section titled "When Something Goes Wrong". Morbid to say the least. I didn't read this section with my first child, to afraid of what could go wrong. But with my second child I did brave the murky waters and read this section. Two weeks later something did go wrong, very wrong. I remembered most of what I had read. Horrible things like that stick with you I guess. Here is a list of things they say you should do to help you cope. However; everyone is different and though this is what the book recommends, it may not necessarily be what is right for you. You should never feel pressured to do anything you do not want to do. Doing so, in the end, may do more harm than good. Some people feel more traumatized by holding their dead child, other's find peace and closure in it. You will know what is right for you. And remember not to push your spouse to do anything they don't feel comfortable with as this may just cause resentment later on. You have enough to deal with, with out adding to it. Retyping this entire section would be daunting to say the least, so this is just an overview. If you would like to read the entire section it is under the title "Coping With Pregnancy Loss"

1. See and hold your baby (if it's possible).
2. Name your baby.
3. Get an Autopsy, and discuss the findings with your doctor.
4. Ask not to be sedated (if possible).
5. Take photos (or ask the nurses too) and save bracelets, a lock of hair, foot & hand prints, crib tags and/or any other tangible memento.
6. Focus on the positive attributes of your child (big eyes, long lashes, lots of hair, Daddy's nose).
7. Cry
8. Expect a difficult time, depression, intense sadness, sleeplessness, etc.
9. Recognize that daddy is grieving too, but may appear shorter and/or less intense.
10. Don't face the world alone. Have a friend fieled the difficult questions about your baby.
11. Expect that friends and family may not know what to say and may withdraw for a while.
12. Expect your pain to lessen over time. The grieving process is often not fully completed for as long as two years, but the worst is usually over within 6 months. Be aware that the pain may never go away entirely.
13. Seek support. Either through online friends (like other mommies in blog land), support groups or therapy.
14. Limit the use of sedatives (pills, booze, whatever).
15. Turn to religion if you find it comforting.
16. Don't expect that having another baby will resolve any grief.
17. Recognize that quilt can compound grief.

Other dead baby parents and experts say this:

1. Blog. Blog your heart out. Some like to do this anonymously.
2. Read other blogs from parents who've lost a baby.
3. Make a cast or mold of your child, their face, hands, feet...anything.
4. Take pictures of you holding your child
5. Take pictures of each body part, naked (since the staff may not know what you'll want to remember).
6. Remember you probably have a camera on your cell phone.
7. Tell people via email instead of in person.
8. Baptize your baby, or have them blessed.
9. Take time off of work (Daddies too!)
10. Scrapbook
11. Keep a journal.
12. Write your baby letters.
13. Write poetry, music or create art in memory of your baby.
14. Plant a Tree or Garden in Memory of your baby.
15. Get a piece of jewelery with your child's name or birthstone.
16. Get your child's name written in the sand or a name print or similar.
17. Name a Star after your baby.
18. Have a memorial service or funeral.
19. Get an urn or special box for your child's ashes.
20. Postpone major decisions (like moving, getting rid of a pet, getting a pet, switching jobs)
21. Talk to your partner, and then talk some more. No one "gets it" like they do.
22. Get a lot of sleep, eat right and exercise (nothing burns of anger like cardio).
23. Join a support group
24. Get a new hobby or obsession (like blogging, scrapbooking, golf, creating memory boxes or afghans to donate to a hospital for other baby loss families)
25. Be prepared for ignorant and insensitive comments and then dismiss them.
26. Don't be afraid to tell people you're the parent of a dead baby.
27. Don't feel obligated to explain or offer details.
28. Attend a memorial event often offered by the hospital or local organization.
29. Celebrate your child's birthday
30. Create a special place in your home for your child's memories

Websites with similar articles

Baby Center

Mayo Clinic

About.com

Baby Fit

The 5 Stages of Grief

As many people who are nose deep in grief have assuredly heard, there is a theory that there are five stages of grief. Some argue seven. Some even say that we go through the stages, sometimes in a different order, and usually repeat a few or experience them at the same time. There is a lot of speculation on the topic. Below is an article on the Kübler-Ross model that deals mainly with folks who are dying themselves, but has been widely accepted to include those involved in any catastrophic loss (such as the death of a child). At the bottom of the article you will find links to other articles or sites that seem relevant. Please note that "the views and opinions stated in this article may not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of this blog" yada, yada. You get the point, I'm just trying to offer up some info to help us all make a little more sense of what we are experiencing.

-----------------------------

The Kübler-Ross model, commonly known as the five stages of grief, was first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book "On Death and Dying". It describes, in five discrete stages, a process by which people allegedly deal with grief and tragedy, especially when diagnosed with a terminal illness or catastrophic loss. In addition to this, her book brought mainstream awareness to the sensitivity required for better treatment of individuals who are dealing with a fatal disease.

Stages
1) Denial:
Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of situations and individuals that will be left behind after death.
Example - "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
2) Anger:
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected resentment and jealousy.
Example - "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"
3) Bargaining:
The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the person is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just have more time..."
Example - "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
4) Depression:
During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect themself from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer an individual up that is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
Example - "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die . . . What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
5) Acceptance:
This final stage comes with peace and understanding of the death that is approaching. Generally, the person in the fifth stage will want to be left alone. Additionally, feelings and physical pain may be non-existent. This stage has also been described as the end of the dying struggle.
Example - "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to people suffering from terminal illness, and later to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). This may also include significant life events such as the death of a loved one, divorce, drug addiction, or an infertility diagnosis. Kübler-Ross also claimed these steps do not necessarily come in the order noted above, nor are all steps experienced by all patients, though she stated a person will always experience at least two. Often, people will experience several stages in a "roller coaster" effect - switching between two or more stages, returning to one or more several times before working through it. Significantly, people experiencing the stages should not force the process. The grief process is highly personal and should not be rushed, nor lengthened, on the basis of an individual's imposed time frame or opinion. One should merely be aware that the stages will be worked through and the ultimate stage of "Acceptance" will be reached. However, there are individuals that struggle with death until the end. Some psychologists believe that the harder a person fights death, they are more likely to stay in the denial stage. If this is the case, it is possible the ill person will have more difficulty dying in a dignified way. Other psychologists state that not confronting death until the end is adaptive for some people. Those that experience problems working through the stages should consider professional grief counseling or support groups.


Criticisms
According to Robert Kastenbaum, there are some problems with Kübler-Ross theory:

The five-stage sequence had not been demonstrated by Kübler-Ross or independent research (although the Yale study found some consistencies).
The stage interpretation neglected the patients' situations (relationship support, effects of illnesses, etc.) and how they could affect the cycle.

Cultural Relevance
A dying individual's approach to death has been linked to the amount of meaning and purpose a person has found throughout their lifetime. A study of 160 people with less than three months to live showed that those who felt they understood their purpose in life, or found special meaning, faced less fear and despair, in the final weeks of their lives than those who had not. In this and similar studies, spirituality helped dying individuals deal with the depression stage more aggressively than those who were not spiritual.


Research
A 2000-2003 study of bereaved individuals conducted by Yale University obtained some findings that were consistent with the five-stage theory and others that were inconsistent with it.[2] In 2008, Skeptic Magazine published the findings of the Grief Recovery Institute, which contested the concept of stages of grief as they relate to people who are dealing with the deaths of people important to them.[3]


[edit] References
1.^ a b c d e f g h i j k l Santrock, J.W. (2007). A Topical Approach to Life-Span Development. New York, NY: McGraw-Hill
2.^ Maciejewski, P. K. (2007, Feb 21). JAMA. Retrieved April 14, 2009. Web Site
3.^ Friedman and James, R. and J.W. (2008).

The Myth of the Stages of Dying, Death and Grief. Skeptic Magazine, 14, Retrieved 2008.

Further reading
Kubler-Ross, E (1973) On Death and Dying, Routledge, ISBN 0415040159
Kubler-Ross, E (2005) On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss, Simon & Schuster Ltd, ISBN 0743263448
Scire, P (2007). "Applying Grief Stages to Organizational Change."
An Attributional Analysis of Kübler-Ross' Model of Dying, by Mark R Brent. Harvard University, 1981.
An Evaluation of the Relevance of the Kübler-Ross Model to the Post-injury Responses of Competitive Athletes, by Johannes Hendrikus Van der Poel, University of the Free State. Published by s.n, 2000.

This article was taken from Wikepedia.

Links

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross - Five Stages of Grief

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross - Homepage

The 5 Stages as they relate to Pregnancy Loss or Infant Death

Article - Stillbirth: Handling the Tragedy and Raising Awareness

An article published in the Washington Post, well...more of a question and answer thing with staff writter Alan Goldenbach who also had a stillborn child.

Stillbirth: Handling the Tragedy and Raising Awareness
a Question and Answer Session
July 7, 2009

Article - Father First, Senator Second

This article was published in the Washington Post.

Father First, Senator Second
For Rick Santorum, Polictics Could Hardly Get More Personal
By Mark Leibovich
April 18, 2005

The article is about Senetor Santorum and his wifes baby loss.