Saturday, April 16, 2011
Question: Reconciling
How supportive have your family and friends been since the loss of your child? How have you reconciled with those who you feel did not support you or did not remember the milestones, such as due dates, angelversary's, birthdays? What is one thing you would like them to know? For those struggling with family and friends you may want to read and/or share this
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7 comments:
I have one good RL friend who understands that now - 18 months later - I still grieve. Honestly, with everyone else it feels like "old news" and it's not talked about. I'm grateful for the one friend because I know most BLM's don't have that and find support through sites like this or support groups. Maybe only other loss mother's really know the grief and pain are part of us now, part of who we are forever. We're changed and that has made it awkward for other people, I think. They didn't know what to say then and know even less what to say now.
I'd like them to know that it's fine. I've found the strength within myself to deal with my grief, and I don't need sympathy or their idea of kind words. I've formed connections with BLM's who know this life and all that goes with it. BUT, there are those who can't deal with the fact that I have down days and give me silence when I could use a hug. Those are the people who don't deserve my good days. <3
Today is exactly one month after my loss.
I have found the friends I did tell to be very supportive and kind. Same goes for my two supervisors at work. I also shared my loss with my aunt who in turn told my cousin (her daughter). Their response was "You deserved it", "You brought it on yourself" and that I was "being way too emotional and taking it too hard".
Needless to say at this point in time I will never forgive them and reconciliation is impossible. If I ever do speak to them again I want them to know they lack empathy, compassion and human kindness and that they have no mental health training and perhaps should become more educated.
I now think that the universe gave me such supportive friends and co workers because I wouldn't be getting it from family. It's funny how that works.
I think moving forward finding solace and support will be very important. It scares me to think of my EDD. I hope I can handle it and all of the future anniversaries.
Close to five months since I lost my baby. I still remember the hurtful things said by my family..and sadly can't let it go yet. I know I will eventually I will but am not rushing into it now. Time will tell when I can completely let go.
"A Shadow of my Former Self" and "Little Vitu's Mom" I am so sorry for your recent losses. I am also very sorry for the response you received from your family. My family luckily was not rude about it but one year later they have already forgotten and moved on. Same with all of my RL friends except for one who continues to support me. The most suportive people are fellow BLM's met here online. We are here when you need us, please don't hesitate to contact a particular BLM you find a connection with. I've not yet met one who wasn't willing to share her child's life and lend a shoulder.
I'm thankful that most of the people in my life have been supportive of me and all the things I do to remember Carleigh. I think it hurt the most when people didn't come for her first birthday party when they said they would. I just let it go b/c it was their loss. They missed out on something wonderful that they can never get back.
Things were fine up until our baby girls one year anniversary. We posted photo's of our day and made it clear that it was her one year and this is how we as a family celebrated it. To be accused by one member of my partners family for creating the loss of our twin daughter. That she was a fairy tale and didnt exist. Hurt? Yes, angry? sure was, have I reconciled? No, to me she is not a family member in my family and is not welcome. Her loss, certainly not mine.
My family and friends have been so supportive towards me since the loss of my baby. I found out at my first OB appt. that my baby had died (I was 13 weeks) and that was on February 28, 2011 but I didn't actually miscarry until March 9. My body just recently accepted the fact that I am no longer pregnant because, even last week, I was still experiencing severe mood swings due to a horomonal imbalance. I think the loss would have been much harder on me if I didn't have any children but I definitely feel closer to my 2 daughters (2 1/2 ans 11 months) and realize what a true miracle they are. I have my moments every now and again, sometimes being near a newborn breaks my heart and other times it's the only comfort. I don't think anyone truly "gets over" the loss of a child but rather can accept the loss and move forward. My heart goes out to every parent who has to experience this.
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