My hardest milestone was the resurfacing of Aunt Flo. We really hoped to get pregnant right away after losing Leila - not that we're trying to replace her, but she was such a miracle after years of infertility, and I wanted to capitalize on the increased fertility postpartum. How did I cope with that day? I didn't. I spent the day sobbing, imagining new ways to kill myself, and just wishing the world would go away. It was a horrible day, and to say that I can look forward to it every month until I'm "used to it" scares the crap out of me.
It has not been a year since Lukas has passed so I think up until now the hardest was my first mother's day. It did not feel like mother's day to me. Knowing that I would not be holding my son on day specifically for mother's hurt. There I was childless and heartbroken.
For some very strange reason father's day was really hard for me. The night before father's day I felt Akul's presence and that may be one reason and the second may be the fact that my husband wanted to have a child so very much and I so much wanted for him to have a baby that it broke my heart to see his arms empty on that day. I did not even have the courage to wish him on that day.
It's been just over 6 months for he, and I don't really think I've had any milestone that was harder than the other. The due date was scarey, well the weeks leading up to it. I think that mostly the milestones have all blurred in with the everyday sorrow I feel. Or I'm just too numb to see straight enough to have figured this question out yet.
My hardest milestone was the resurfacing of Aunt Flo. We really hoped to get pregnant right away after losing Leila - not that we're trying to replace her, but she was such a miracle after years of infertility, and I wanted to capitalize on the increased fertility postpartum. How did I cope with that day? I didn't. I spent the day sobbing, imagining new ways to kill myself, and just wishing the world would go away. It was a horrible day, and to say that I can look forward to it every month until I'm "used to it" scares the crap out of me.
ReplyDeleteIt has not been a year since Lukas has passed so I think up until now the hardest was my first mother's day. It did not feel like mother's day to me. Knowing that I would not be holding my son on day specifically for mother's hurt. There I was childless and heartbroken.
ReplyDeleteFor some very strange reason father's day was really hard for me. The night before father's day I felt Akul's presence and that may be one reason and the second may be the fact that my husband wanted to have a child so very much and I so much wanted for him to have a baby that it broke my heart to see his arms empty on that day. I did not even have the courage to wish him on that day.
ReplyDeleteIt's been just over 6 months for he, and I don't really think I've had any milestone that was harder than the other. The due date was scarey, well the weeks leading up to it. I think that mostly the milestones have all blurred in with the everyday sorrow I feel. Or I'm just too numb to see straight enough to have figured this question out yet.
ReplyDelete