The Dead Baby Club

Coming Up

2012-02-01T13:01:00.002-05:00

Sorry, I have been out of it lately. I took a well needed break from blogger. Some stuff is coming up though, including a GIVEAWAY! Stay tuned!!

New Years for Bereaved Parents

2012-01-01T11:26:00.000-05:00

I came across this and wanted to share... source = http://www.irisremembers.com/poemsandstories/viewPoem.cfm?poemID=143

Holiday Remembrance

2011-12-12T09:14:00.000-05:00

Do your families do something during the holidays to remember your loved one? If not, what would the ideal be? What would you say to them if you could?

For me, I would tell them that I want Blaine remembered. I want an ornament on their tree. I want them to light a candle. I want them to not be afraid to mention him. It's that simple. Just remember that he was here. And that he mattered.

Approaching Gloom or Joy?

2011-11-30T13:59:00.000-05:00

Whether you celebrate religiously or not, Christmas can be a tough time after the loss of a loved one, especially a child. All of the expectations you had of the season; the family events you attend, minus one; questions from insensitive people or people who don't know about your loss; wanting to escape or be alone. Many of us deal with one or all of these issues. Here are some tips I found on various sites. Feel free to comment with your own tips.

http://www.opentohope.com/?post=surviving-the-holidays

http://sids-network.org/survhol.htm

www.griefshare.org/holidays

Handmade Holiday Gift Exchange!

2011-11-02T12:52:00.002-04:00

Penpals

2011-10-27T13:37:00.000-04:00

I often get emails from moms looking to make personal connections with other moms who have been in the same situation. I'd like to start up a penpal program so that I have appropriate people to refer these emails to (Dad's included!). I am looking for people who fit in the following categories:

a relative or friend of someone who has lost a child but has not lost someone themselves
carrying to term
twin or other multiple loss where one or more survived
someone who has living children
medical termination

Also, I don't want to offend anyone but when I lost my son it was very important to me, as a Christian who does not go to church, to find another Christian to talk to. While the DBC is not a religious source if you are religious please also let me know (if you're comfortable).
If you would like to participate please understand that this is a commitment. The worst thing is to email your penpal and feel like they're too busy for you. Please email me if you are interested, especially if you are a man, we have one man so far but it would be nice to have some more. lilyorange2@yahoo.ca

October 15th Wave of Light

2011-10-17T19:24:00.000-04:00

I was, unfortunately, unable to participate in the Int'l Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day on October 15th. How did all of you commemorate the day? A lot of my online BLM friends wrote on my FB wall or sent me pics of candles that were lit for Blaine or sent me a note or email letting me know they thought of him. Here is one...

Baby Dust by Deanna Roy - Review and Giveaway

2011-10-14T13:44:00.000-04:00

Since you are all going to scroll down anyway I'll just announce the winner first! First to let you know how I picked. I found a website where you put names in a virtual hat and they assign the names. So, I put everyone's names in the hat, as well as my own, and it assigned the name to me. That's the person who won the giveaway. drum roll... Sarita Boyette! Please email me your address so I can snail mail you the book. lilyorange2@yahoo.ca

I was super eager to read this book. I remember when I lost my son Blaine going to the local library and trying to find anything I could. They had a total of four books on miscarriage or pregnancy loss. They were all either medical books or really old. None of them dealt with the emotions or changes I would go through as I lived through the loss of my child. "Baby Dust" is a fictional account of 5 woman and their loss. I say fictional because it is a novel however, it is a unique novel in that Deanna has taken real life stories and compiled them to make these characters. Whether fictional or not, so much of it rang true for me. I could see myself in each of the characters but the one I feel I related to the most was Melinda. The guilt she felt, the hallucinations, the attempts to "look normal," her hesitation to join the group of women and talk about her loss, I remember all of that.
I really enjoyed the book and as I said there was a little of each story that I could relate to and see myself and my son in. My only critisizm would be that each story ends with a sense of hope. The entire book is such a realistic representation of women and loss and yet I felt this was unrealistic. Yes, it's a novel and obviously a mother reading this, especially one who may be early in her grief, wants to believe that life will get better and easier. However, we all know that for some that isn't true. Life only gets harder and sometimes there is no hope. I would have liked to have seen one of the stories end in that way. That is just my opinion though. I would definitely recommend everyone read this book. It is also a great gift to give someone you may know who is dealing with a new loss or struggling to find resources.
I want to thank Deanna for allowing us to review the book and for graciously donating a copy of it for giveaway. I hope it is a huge success and am really hoping she does a follow up novel!

"Baby Dust" was dedicated by Deanna "For My (her) Angel Babies... Casey Shay December 1997 to April 1998 gestation, Daniel June 2001 to July 2001 gestation and Emma Hope August 2001 to October 2001 gestation."

Giveaway - Baby Dust

2011-10-07T10:12:00.000-04:00

It seems I may have made the giveaway too hard! I'm going to simplify so please disregard the previous posts instructions. If you would like to enter the giveaway for "Baby Dust" by Deanna Roy please do the following:

comment below

That's all folks!

October's Feature: Pregnancy Loss Info Website

2011-10-01T14:21:00.000-04:00

When it actually sunk into my head that I had lost my son in April 2010 one of the first things I did was hit google. I can't remember what exactly I typed in but I ended up finding this website, http://www.pregnancyloss.info/. It was a God send. I went through the whole site, each link, each story. I visited it several times a day. Through that site I found many others and was initiated into the world of bloggers.

Deanna Roy founded http://www.pregnancyloss.info/ after the loss of her son Casey. Since then she has been setting up an online supportive resource for other parents in grief. The site is broken down into several categories. There you can find links to resources on healing, grief, physical recovery, subsequent pregnancies and memorials.

Deanna has just published her first novel on the subject of baby loss. It is called "Baby Dust" and features five unique fictional stories. You can read Holly's review of the book here. Please check back for part two of the DBC review on "Baby Dust" to be posted October 15th.

Deanna has graciously offered a copy of the book to us to use for a giveaway. If you are a blogger and are interested in winning the book here is what we need from you:

Write a post on your blog about something you found helpful or enjoyed reading about on the site, http://www.pregnancyloss.info/. Comment here with the link to your post.

If you are not a blogger, send us an email about something you found helpful or enjoyed reading about on the site, http://www.pregnancyloss.info/. Comment here once the email has been sent. Send email to lilyorange2@yahoo.ca

Deadline is October 14th. Winner will be drawn at random. We may publish your post or part of your post here on the DBC.

Baby Dust - Book Review Part One

2011-09-30T12:46:00.000-04:00

The following review is thanks to our guest blogger, Holly from Caring for Carleigh.

The book Baby Dust by Deanna Roy is a fictional book based on the stories of real women who have lost babies. The book revolves around the stories of 5 women who have suffered the loss of their babies at varying gestations. We are able to see how their losses have affected every aspect of their lives-something you don’t normally see in a book.

One of my favorite quotes from the book is as follows: ”What horror to face, to choose the moment of your child’s death, to see the machines whir to a stop, the monitors to beep, the line of the heartbeat to go flat. No one really recovers from that.”

This book is different than anything I have ever read before about the loss of a baby. Most books are about coping with loss but with this book you see grief how it is. Grief isn’t painted as a pretty picture in this book but as something that is real and that affects far more women than people realize or care to acknowledge. The situations are real and relatable for babyloss moms. I highly recommend Baby Dust for anyone to read, whether their baby has died or not. I think this would actually be a very good book for people who have not lost to read as I think it would give them a glimpse into life after losing a baby.

Int'l Babylost Father's Day

2011-09-25T17:54:00.002-04:00

for all you Daddies <3

Oh Father, My Father
Close your eyes and feel me near
keep me inside your heart
let me live in your soul
you see through tears
the things we will never do
running across the fields of my youth
games never played
but it is not gone
those dreams you hold so close
for I live on in every child you see
little ones standing a lone... lost
or laughing in a playground
swinging so high
touching the tree tops
that is I
wanting just to love
feel my happiness in the song of a bird
see my sorrow in mother
hold her close forever
feeling your strength
for there will be one to come behind me
whether through God's grace or
from a different calling
a child chosen through His hand.
For in darkness, a light will appear
even if it is just the dawn
signaling a new beginning
and as you gather my mother to your heart
release your tears
let the healing begin
and discover that I am here
in your dreams
in your tomorrows
Every rainbow is the path home
and if you should stumble
I am the wings that shall lift you
Love, your child

Author: Theresa Cochrane
Copyrighted by: Growing Family, Inc.

Baby and Infant Urns

2011-09-24T13:22:00.000-04:00

According to Blogger Stats, one of the main reasons people find this blog is because they are searching for baby or infant urns. Incredibly sad. I always say, I hate that you have to be here but I'm glad you are. I decided to do a post on different sites that offer cremain products and some creative ones that I've found. Please feel free in the comment section to add your own choices. Here is a link to our original post on baby urns.

Choosing a cremation product for your child is one of the hardest and most important things you will ever do as a bereaved parent. For most of us it will be the final resting place for our children's ashes. There are so many things to think of. You want something that will reflect your personality, your family and what the child meant to you. Maybe you want to include something that reminds you of your child such as butterflies or rainbows or a cartoon character. Most manufacturers of cremain products understand this and so have huge varieties to offer. You also want to look at how well the product will stand up over time. The quality of the product. Do you want something to bury or keep at home? For me personally I could not stand the thought of being away from my son's ashes. When I first brought him home I slept with the box. I had the idea to just carry them around in my purse but that didn't seem right. I decided on a pendant urn. A pendant urn is a necklace. You fill it with the cremains and then seal it and you wear it. Here is a photo of the one I purchased...

It was purchased from a website, "In the Light Urns."
For some, unfortunately, price is an issue. It was for me. I had to find something I loved for under $200. Almost all manufacturers offer many inexpensive choices. If price is not an issue you can purchase customized urns as well, in almost any imaginable design or material.

Here are some sites I have come across, some may be duplicated from our original post...

http://www.tootallspottery.com/Products/Urns/Urns1.html
http://www.inthelighturns.com/
http://www.urns.net/Infant-Urns-information.php
http://www.everlifememorials.com/v/urns/infant-urns.htm
http://www.evrmemories.com/infant-cremation-urns-s/316.htm

Question: Mementos

2011-09-19T15:48:00.000-04:00

What is your favourite keepsake? Who gave it to you? Why is it so memorable?

What is the one item, other than your child obviously, that you wish you had kept or received?

September's Feature: Mikayla's Grace

2011-08-30T16:12:00.002-04:00

Baby girl Mikayla Grace lived a brief 36 hours on this earth. From that short and beautiful life Mikayla's Grace was inspired.

From their website:

Mikayla's Grace Inc. is a 501c3 non-profit to support families with a baby in the NICU and those who experience the death of an infant at Madison Area hospitals by providing NICU care packages and angel memory boxes that offer both practical and emotional support for the parents. Our first donation was to St. Mary's Hospital in Madison, Wisconsin where our daughter Mikayla was born. In memory of Mikayla's first Heavenly birthday on June 24, 2011 we donated 12 Angel memory boxes, 20 NICU care packages, 66 books, and 28 gowns with matching booties and hats. We are currently working on our goal to donate another 20 angel memory boxes and 20 NICU care packages in October 2011.

Mikayla's Grace just completed it's first Facebook auction. The auction raised funds for the first ever Forever in our Hearts Remembrance Day on October 15th. It was a great success. Proceeds from the event will go towards making Mikayla Grace's NICU and Angel Memory Care Boxes. Some of the items included in these care packages are: disposable cameras, journals, teddy bears, candles, sympathy card and much more. Most of us know how much these items can mean to us in our time of great need. Many of us go to the hospital completely unprepared, not even knowing we are about to lose our child. When I lost Blaine I had no idea what to do. I wish these resources had of been offered to me.

Please take a moment to check out Mikayla's Grace website and Facebook page. Questions: what were key items you wish you had of had at the hospital? What were you thankful to have? Have you made any donations of care packages and if so what did you include?

An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination

2011-08-14T12:40:00.003-04:00

"A child dies in this book: a baby. A baby is stillborn. You don't have to tell me how sad that is: it happened to me and my husband, our baby, a son."

I just finished reading An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination. It is incredibly sad and hopeful and heartwarming and heartbreaking all at once. When the author, Elizabeth McCracken, talks about the emotions surrounding the loss of her son, I feel I could have written those words myself.
McCracken was 41 weeks pregnant with her first child when it went horribly wrong. The baby died, for unexplained reasons. She had to deliver the baby, still, and find some way to carry on. She talks candidly about the loss, her feelings for her son before and after birth, her relationship with her husband, the effect it had on them, their friends and family. We follow her through the journey of telling family and friends; of moving and packing up the baby items; of finding a new neutral home to live in; to navigating the brand new world of subsequent pregnancy.
McCracken was fortunate to deliver a rainbow baby, born almost exactly one year later. The rainbow baby comes with a whole new set of emotions and she writes

"Everyday as I love this baby in my lap, I think of my other baby. Poor older brother, poor missing one....The love for the first magnifies the love for the second, and vice versa."

I think the sentiments and experiences in this book can ring true for many of us. I found myself not only able to put myself in McCracken's shoes but also in the shoes of the "childish and unnerving" mother from the book signing who laughed wholeheartedly over a seagull stealing her husband's tuna sub and pressed McCracken to write a book about the lighter side of loss. I think that's another book I'd dive right into!

Question: Regrets

2011-07-26T10:06:00.004-04:00

We all have things we wish we didn't do or that we did do or that we did differently. There's nothing like hindsight to make you feel guilty. For babyloss families, I think these regrets can become consuming because we don't get the chance to even try to make up for it. Our babies died, and we just can't undo it.

For me, at least, the guilt and regrets were something I felt I needed to hang onto for a long time. I felt like I needed to carry the pain and grief in order to honor my babies, especially Calvin. Giving voice to my regrets and admitting to them feels like a step towards healing. I am still learning that it's okay to be happy, that it's okay to forgive myself and accept that I did my best at the time, and to let peace in.

We all find our own paths in this grief journey, but maybe sharing about your regrets can be helpful, too--for you and for others. It's always less lonely when you know someone else feels the same.

What do you regret most about the events surrounding your loss?
If you were able to move past this regret, how did you let it go?
If you're in the process of letting it go, how are you working on this?
If you're still holding onto it, why can't you let this regret go?

New Directory: Blogs on Carrying to Term After Fatal Diagnosis

2011-07-21T13:13:00.003-04:00

If you or someone you know has a blog about the experiences of carrying to term after a poor prognosis/fatal diagnosis and would like to share, please leave the links below as a comment.

http://thegiftofrachelslife.blogspot.com/
http://babyfaithhope.blogspot.com/
http://louielovescrystal.com/calvinphoenix/kissesforcalvin/

July's Feature: Carrying to Term after a Poor or Fatal Prognosis

2011-07-01T00:00:00.002-04:00

Ten weeks before Faith Hope was born, her mommy, Myah, starting blogging. At her 19-week ultrasound, Myah learned that Faith had anencephaly, a fatal neural tube defect. Despite being told that her baby was unlikely to ever gain consciousness, that her child would not live for more than a few minutes after birth, Myah chose to carry Faith to term.

On her blog, We Walk By Faith, Not By Sight, Myah describes her posts and her reasons for sharing Faith and their story with the world: "The posts here are very personal, emotional, brutally honest, and at times ungraceful. It's not easy for me to share so much of our life with the world. But it is my hope that by sharing our story, God will be glorified for all He has done for us. I also hope that this blog will reach other moms out there who are facing the same prenatal diagnosis that I did."

The first posts are about about Myah's pregnancy: her struggles with preparing for childbirth and for Faith's care, the grief of knowing her baby will not live, the joy she found in feeling her baby hiccup and kick.

After Faith was born crying and very much alive, Myah was able to bring her daughter home. Through the posts, videos, and photos, we get a glimpse into Faith's precious 93 days on earth: eating, smiles, jaundice, squealing, sneezes, ticklish feet. Then, on May 23, 2009, Faith passed away as Myah held her in her arms.

Have you faced a fatal diagnosis? Did you choose termination, induction, or carrying to term? Why? How do you feel about the decision you made?

My first baby died from amniotic band sequence. At the NT scan I had at 13 weeks, the ultrasound tech found amniotic bands; that's when we found out about the possibility of limb amputation and were offered the option to terminate. The results of the screening also showed a positive marker for Down's Syndrome. We chose to keep our baby and continue with the pregnancy, preparing for a special needs child, but hoping for the best. Unfortunately, we lost our son at 18 weeks, and after we found out he died, I was induced. The decision

Also, if you or someone you know has a blog about the experiences of carrying to term after a poor prognosis/fatal diagnosis and would like to share, please include the links below. We are working on putting together a new directory to help families going through a similar experience.

A Poem For Fathers

2011-06-19T16:33:00.002-04:00

Happy Father's Day. Here is a poem I found for Father's who have lost a child. Often they are forgotten as they care for the mother and other children or hide their grief. But it's days like this that remind us, they lost a child too.

~~ A poem for Fathers ~~

It must be very difficult

To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

by Eileen Knight Hagemeister

Question: What Makes You Grateful

2011-06-16T16:12:00.004-04:00

I would like to make this a writing project. Please take the below topic and write about it on your own blog. It's a way for us to connect and also for those who may be new to meet some people and get a different perspective. Comment here with a link to your post on your blog and please reference The DBC on your blog when posting. Feel free to also use the below graphic which you can simply save to your computer and place as a picture within your blog post. I hope you'll participate.

Gratitude. Since the loss of my child(ren) the one thing I am most grateful for is...? I know now that before my loss I took ... for granted? From now on I will make sure to recognize ... in my life and it's importance to me?

June's Feature: A New Blog

2011-06-01T18:18:00.002-04:00

AJ has just recently started her blog, "Rainbow Making 101." She and her husband started TTC in March of 2010 and were pregnant by July. Unfortunately they lost their first child in August of 2010. Rainbow Making 101 is a story of their new journey to conceive their Rainbow Baby.

This is one definition of a Rainbow Baby, not sure who authored this, I found it on Babycenter.

Rainbow babies: In some circles, babies born to families after the loss of a child are referred to as "Rainbow Babies." The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. "Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

AJ's blog gives a very detailed account of their struggle to conceive since the loss of their child. She shares her TTC Timeline on the right side of the blog and through her posts gives a very personal account of the ups and downs of testing, the dreaded 2WW, the emotional rollercoaster that is TTC and my favourite post of hers, "Rainbow Making A - Z."

Most of us know what a tumultous time TTC can be so please head over to AJ's blog and lend her some support.

If you are in the process of TTC and would like to share please leave a comment with your story or link to your blog.

New Directory: Blogs on TTC and Infertility After Loss

2011-05-26T14:08:00.004-04:00

This is a blog directory of Mom's who are currently trying to conceive or struggling with infertility after a previous baby loss. Often times conceiving a child after the loss of another can be especially difficult, not just physically but there is an emotional toll on the families as well.

http://myangelsinheaven.blogspot.com/

http://lifewithoutbrenna.blogspot.com/

http://onceamother.blogspot.com/search/label/infertility

http://margaretsundone.blogspot.com/

http://fragments.louielovescrystal.com/

If you would like to submit a blog written by a dead baby momma simply add it in the comment section. Also, if there is a misprint, please accept my apologies and inform me ASAP!

PAIL Events

2011-05-12T13:36:00.002-04:00

I would like to create an Event page for Pregnancy and Infant Loss events in any area. If you have an event in your area such as a Butterfly Release or Candle Lighting please email me or comment on this post. I will add it to the Event Page. As much information as you can provide is appreciated, a link to the website, address, time, date, activity, etc. Don't worry about where you live or if you feel it's "too local," as readers come here from all over the place.

lilyorange2@yahoo.ca

Question: How was your Mother's Day?

2011-05-12T13:21:00.004-04:00

Mother's Day is one of the more difficult holidays for many baby loss mommies because it brings with it doubt, especially for women who have lost their only children (Am I still a mother?), and because it makes the void in one's heart and in one's lineup of living children all the more apparent.

Now that this bittersweet holiday has come and gone, can you share how it was for you?

If this was your first Mother's Day after a loss, did it turn out as you expected?
If this isn't your first, has it changed for you? Has it gotten any better?
Did you do or receive anything that made this day special for you?
Were you able to honor your baby/babies?
Was there anything you wish someone had done for you?

Happy Mother's Day

2011-05-07T12:30:00.004-04:00

Happy Mother's Day to everyone out there. Whether you have a child in your arms or not you are still a Mother and I hope you take time to care for yourself and do something special FOR YOU tomorrow.

A Mother's Day Ode by Susan Mosquera

I am your mother, but you, my child, I cannot hold.
It'll get easier with time, or so I'm told.
People may forget that I am your mother.
I'm part of a secret club we only share with one another.
But that doesn't diminish my love for you.
I think of you the whole day through.
I wonder what you're doing, my Precious Little One.
We are connected by an infinite bond, which cannot come undone.
I will not let death tear us apart.
I promise to always keep you alive in my heart.

May's Feature - Unable to Conceive after Loss

2011-05-01T00:00:00.005-04:00

Jan and her husband have lost three babies. They lost their first—a birth control surprise—at 9 1/2 weeks, on July 2, 2008. After being diagnosed with PCOS, Jan tried Clomid and found out she was pregnant again in August 2009. At 10 1/2 weeks, she learned that she was carrying twins, but had lost one of them. They hoped to bring the other baby home, but a few weeks later, the same ultrasound that showed they were having a girl also told them that she only had a 1% chance of survival because she didn't have any amniotic fluid left. On November 19, they learned that Carly Noel's heart had stopped beating.

In February 2010, just a few months after losing Carly, Jan developed a blood clot that spanned the length of her left leg. She had to be hospitalized and receive transfusions to treat and break it down. Because of her health, she cannot conceive again. She also cannot use surrogacy to have a biological child, because of the risks of blood clots and ovarian rupture.

On her blog, Angels in Heaven, Jan writes messages to her daughter, shares her feelings on not being able to have any more children of her own, and explores the challenges of not being a "real mommy" in others' eyes. Please stop by Jan's blog to read more of her story and give her some encouragement.

Also, if you have experience with being unable to conceive after losing your baby, or if you have any stories, websites, or blogs that relate—whether the inability to conceive it is due to health reasons, infertility, tubal ligation, or other reasons—please share them with us.

Another Holiday Minus

2011-04-24T13:34:00.002-04:00

For those of us that celebrate Easter this is another occasion where we are missing a precious loved one. Another family event with someone sadly absent. I hope you are able to enjoy the Easter holiday even with the reminder that there should be another bunny hopping around hunting for eggs.
To continue with the theme of family and friend support here is a poem which I received from one of the bereavement groups I reached out to.

Dear Friends - written by Eloise Cole

Dear Friends,
If you were to ask me to measure the love I have
for any member of my family,
I would be hard pressed to answer.
Surely my love is higher than mountain tops
And deeper than the oceans
And broader than all the deserts in the world.
So too is my love for the baby who has died.

How can I be asked to pack away mementos and memories
and not speak his name?
He is and always will be a part of me.

No one can crate the depths of the ocean,
The breadth of the deserts,
Nor can my love be boxed and carried away.

Dear friends,
Please do not set limits on my grief.
Neither my love
Nor the depths of my sorrow can be measured.
I am unable to heal on a timetable set by another.
Weeks and months have no meaning
when set against the measure of my love.
Walk with me please, this difficult road of recovery,
I promise you I will heal,
When I have grieved enough for me.

Question: Reconciling

2011-04-16T11:53:00.003-04:00

How supportive have your family and friends been since the loss of your child? How have you reconciled with those who you feel did not support you or did not remember the milestones, such as due dates, angelversary's, birthdays? What is one thing you would like them to know? For those struggling with family and friends you may want to read and/or share this

Knocked Up, Knocked Down - Monica Murphy LeMoine

2011-03-30T14:00:00.005-04:00

This is Monica's book. She blogs about her miscarriages/stillbirth and subsequent real live take home baby over at Knocked Up, Knocked Down. Which is where you can also order her book by the same name. Its a great read, full of her typical satire and foul mouthed outlook on the land of dead babies and what it means to be a "Half-Mom". Seriously, check it out.

Question: Memory Boxes

2011-03-16T14:01:00.002-04:00

I am creating some memory boxes to donate to the hospital in memory of my son's one year Angelversary.

Has anyone else put together boxes to donate or give to BLM friends? What sort of items did you include? Did you receive one from the hospital or a bereavement group after your loss? What was included in it and what did you appreciate the most?

Help Needed

2011-03-16T13:58:00.002-04:00

Okay, I never got around to doing the Featured Blog. To be honest I am at a creative dead end. I have even been neglecting my own blog. With all of my one year anniversaries with Blaine coming up and with being pregnant during those one year anniversaries I just really don't have much strength for writing. I hate not to post things because I know how many people read this regularly. So, I have to ask for some help. If anyone would like to help with that Feature please let me know. Even if we could switch off months. I'm kind of out of ideas and no one has suggested any so maybe having a second person would help stir it up.

Updates

2011-02-26T15:54:00.002-05:00

I've been quite busy lately, haven't had time to come over here much. I'm going to start the Monthly Blog Feature back up again on March 1st. If anyone has suggestions please let me know. Amanda has made a really neat button so if you're blog is featured please feel free to put the button on your blog.

Happy Valentine's Day - Question

2011-02-14T16:18:00.001-05:00

Did you do anything special today for your little one? Do you and your partner still try to make it romantic? Or is it just another day?

Name Photos

2011-01-22T13:39:00.004-05:00

We all know how wonderful and heartwarming it is to receive a photo of our child's name. For some of us we will never have any actual photos of our children. Receiving a photo from someone means that that person has taken the time to think of your child. For one moment in time, somewhere else in the world someone thought your child's name and acted on their behalf. The above is one of my favourites and one of the first that I received for my boy. I received it from Angela mother to Dash.

Do you have a favourite photo of your child's name? Where was it taken? Why is it significant to you?

Do you have a blog where you create free name photos for parents that you would like to share?

Calendar

2011-01-16T14:28:00.001-05:00

I have updated the calendar. If you did not include a name or date for your baby I was not able to add them. Feel free to comment on any of the related posts and I will update or add at anytime. Thanks for allowing me to do this for your little ones.

DBC Calendar

2011-01-08T13:57:00.003-05:00

I'm going to update our calendar. If your child's name is NOT listed in the "In Memory of our Babies" post or in the "Guest Book" and you want them added to the calendar then please comment and put *New* and include your childs name; date of birth; heaven date; your blog or email if you wish to share. I am including the comment section so if you have already commented on either of those posts with your info then no need to comment again. If there is an error on the list "In Memory of our Babies" or the "Guest Book" or if you want to provide more info that we do not already have then please comment and put *Correction* and the accurate info so I know it's not new.

Childs Name
Birth Date
Heaven Date (if different than Birth)
Your blog or email if you want to share

Also, please consider putting our new button on your blog!! Thanks to Amanda for making it, I absolutely love it. To me it looks like two things. One a child's hand reaching out, maybe to grab hold of momma. And two a child's hand saying STOP! Like pay attention to what we have to say!

Our New Button!!

2011-01-05T19:39:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year

2011-01-02T13:02:00.002-05:00

How did you spend the New Year? Did you do anything special for your little one? How are you feeling about 2011? Optimistic or just another day?

To be quite honest I've run out of topics for the blog of the month so if you have some ideas please share!!

Surviving the Holidays

2010-12-15T10:33:00.002-05:00

The holidays are always tough after a loss. But when that loss is your precious little one it is exceptionally tough. Some of us are experiencing our first Christmas with broken dreams. Instead of picking out stockings and "Baby's First" accessories we are trying to find ways to memorialize and honour our children. I found the below article on this website and wanted to share. Please feel free to leave any of your own experiences or suggestions in the comments. I pray you are all able to find some peace and joy in the holiday season. xoxo Elaine

In our lives there are many holidays or special days, such as birthdays, anniversaries graduations, weddings, and Easter, to name a few. These are all difficult days for the bereaved, but for many, the most difficult holiday of the year is Christmas. This day more than any other means family together. They are synonymous and it is at this time we are so acutely aware of the void in our lives. For many the wish is to go from Dec. 24 to Dec. 26. We continually hear Christmas Carols, people wishing everyone, “Merry Christmas”; see the perfect gift for our dead child, spouse, or relative and suddenly realize they will not be here. Listed below are some ideas and suggestions that others have found helpful in coping with the Holiday Season. Choose the ones that will help you.
1. Family get-togethers may be extremely difficult. Be honest with each other about your feelings. Sit down with your family and decide what you want to do for the holiday season. Don’t set expectations too high for yourself or the day. If you wish things to be the same, you are going to be disappointed. Do things a little differently. Undertake only what each family member can handle comfortably.
2. There is no right or wrong way to handle the day. Some may wish to follow family traditions, while others may choose to change.
3. Keep in mind the feelings of your children or family members. Try to make the holiday season as joyous as possible for them.
4. Be careful of “shoulds.” It is better to do what is most helpful for you and your family. If a situation looks especially difficult over the holidays, don’t get involved if possible.
5. Set limitations. Realize that it isn’t going to be easy. Do the things that are very special and/or important to you. Do the best that you can.
6. Once you have made the decision on the role you and your family will play during the holidays, let relatives and friends know.
7. Baking and cleaning the house can get out of proportion. If these chores are enjoyable, go ahead, but not to the point that it is tiring. Either buy baked goods or go without this year.
8. If you used to cut your own tree, consider buying it already cut this year. Let your children, other family members, neighboring teens, friends, or people from your church help with the decorating of the tree and house. If you choose not to have a tree this year, get a ceramic tree or a small table top tree.
9. Emotionally, physically, and psychologically it is draining. You need every bit of strength. Try to get enough rest.
10. What you choose to do the first year you don’t have to do the next.
11. One possibility for the first year may be to visit relatives, friends, or even go away on a vacation. Planning, packing, etc., keeps your mind somewhat off the holiday and you share the time in a different and hopefully less painful setting.
12. How do we answer, “Happy Holidays?” You may say, “I’ll try” or “Best wishes to you.” You think of many answers that you don’t say.
13. If shopping seems to be too much, have your relatives or a close friend help you. Consider shopping through a catalogue.
14. If you are accustomed to having Christmas dinner at your home, change and go to relatives, or change the time (instead of 2 p.m., make it 4 p.m.). Some find it helpful to be involved in the activity of preparing a large meal. Serving buffet style and/or eating in a different room may help.
15. Try attending religious services at a different time or church or synagogue.
16. Some people fear crying in public, especially at religious services. It is usually better not to push the tears down any time. You should be gentle with yourself and not expect too much of yourself. Worrying about crying is an additional burden. If you let go and cry, you probably will feel better. It should not ruin the day for other family members, but will provide them with the same freedom.
17. Cut back on your card sending. It is not necessary to send cards, especially to those people we will see over the holidays.
18. Do something for someone else, such as volunteer work at soup kitchens or visit the lonely and shut-ins. Ask someone who is alone to share the day with your family. Provide help for a needy family.
19. Donate a gift or money in your loved one’s name.
20. Share your concerns, feelings, apprehensions, etc. with a relative or friend as the holiday approaches. Tell them that this is a difficult time for you. Accept their help. You will appreciate their love and support at this time.
21. Holidays often magnify feelings of loss of a loved one. It is important and natural to experience the sadness that comes. To block such feelings is unhealthy. Keep the positive memory of the loved one alive.
22. Often after the first year the people in your life may expect you to be over it. We are never over it but the experience of many bereaved is that eventually they enjoy the holidays again. Hold on to hope.
23. Don’t forget, anticipation of any holiday is much worse than the actual holiday.
from *Hope for the Bereaved* (now out of print)
GriefNet grants anyone the right to reprint this information without request for compensation so long as the copy is not used for profit and so long as this paragraph is reprinted in its entirety with any copied portion.

December's Feature - Subsequent Pregnancy

2010-12-02T18:51:00.002-05:00

Sorry, this is late. My daughter and I have had the stomach flu. :( I also didn't get any submissions for this month so I'm just going to write a bit about my own experience, ask some questions and list some blogs that I follow where the BLM is having a subsequent pregnancy.

I found out that I was pregnant with my Pheonix baby on September 17th. The day before my son's due date. It was a blessing because I knew his due date would be rough on me. All of the expectations of having him here with us. We are obviously thrilled but considerable nervous. I stay pretty calm and collected most days but some days I am a wreck of worry and anxiety. Luckily I am getting more medical attention this time around so I have more chances to relieve my fears. I just posted today on my blog about how I am treating this pregnancy differently than my other two (I have a living daughter who is 5). If you are expecting congratulations! How are you treating this pregnancy different than the last? Are you attending a subsequent pregnancy support group? Did you delay telling people this time around? Are you finding a lot of support online for subsequent pregnancy? Have you already had your baby and are a success story? Please share any links to your blog that you'd like to share regarding your Rainbow. Here are some links to BLM's I follow who are pregnant after loss.

My World

A Rainbow and A Butterfly

Dot's Diner

Thanksgiving

2010-11-14T12:53:00.003-05:00

The Canadian Thanksgiving has come and gone but I know the American one is approaching. This year what will you be Thankful for? In the midst of loss and grief what shining moments have you had that have made you thankful? Are you blogging about it this month? Are you doing anything special for you angel during this holiday?

November's Featured Blog: TTC After Loss

2010-10-30T12:24:00.002-04:00

I think it is a natural inclination after the loss of a baby to try and try again. It's seems almost instinctual, the desire to procreate, especially after losing a child. Losing a child is after all unnatural. It goes against the very nature of our beings. There is no word for a bereaved parent except just that "bereaved." To share a bit of my personal story, my husband and I lost our son April 13th 2010. We started trying again at the end of May after my next period. It was desperate. I went online and calculated when I would ovulate. There was no romance involved. The conversation went something like this "okay dear I'm ovulating Tuesday to Thursday make sure you're home to make a deposit." That was our code word "deposit." I think most blogs I read from other BLM's involve a dash of TTC. No one seems to be immune from it. This month instead of choosing a blog I've chosen a website. The group at Grieve Out Loud have done a pretty extensive questionnaire and expose on TTC After Loss. Several BLM's filled out and submitted a very personal questionnaire ranging on everything from the emotional aspects of TTC to what sex is like to medical complications to TTC'ing. Part one is posted on the website now with more parts to follow in the future weeks. It is a great read for anyone who is on any part of the TTC journey, from thinking about it, to actively trying to enjoying your subsequent pregnancy.
Grieve Out Loud also has an extensive list of resources and a penpal program so if you have not already checked them out you may want to head over.
Please share in the comments any other sites or blogs you have found resourceful on the TTC topic.

December's Featured Blog Topic will be Subsequent Pregnancy or Rainbow Babies or Pheonix Babies, whatever you choose to call it. Please see the page on the top left corner if you would like to submit a blog to be featured...and please do!! I've had some suggestions but I know there are more readers then suggestions (based on convienient Blogger stats!) received and I'd really like to be choosing blogs that you all want to hear about.

October 15 - International Infant & Pregnancy Loss Day

2010-10-15T21:07:00.004-04:00

Remembering all of our babies today!

October's Featured Blog: Multiple Loss

2010-10-01T10:31:00.003-04:00

Jessica and her husband have lost two babies in a short period of just 7 months. They are well acquianted with the emotions and grief that accompany multiple loss. Riley grew wings on Febuary 11th 2010 at 6 weeks. Riley's EDD was September 27th 2010. Peyton grew wings on August 19th 2010 at 10 weeks. Peyton's EDD was March 15th 2011. Even with such a great loss Jessica still manages to put on a beautiful smile and reach out to other women in the community. She has started her own personal blog, located here. And she has started a second blog called Heaven's Doves (doves being one of the many things that remind her of her babies), located here. Through her personal blog she is sharing her own recovery story as well as trying to reach out to other BLM's. The purpose of Heaven's Doves is to create photos of baby's names, something we all know brings a small comfort to us Mommas. Please head over and check out Jessica's blog and lend her some support. Please feel free to comment with any blogs or links you found regarding Multiple Loss, or with your own story.

Topic for November: TTC After Loss: please see "Featured Monthly Blog Submissions" page on the left hand corner of blog for rules and deadline.

Today is International Babylost Father's Day

2010-09-26T17:14:00.001-04:00

Just sharing this link. Happy Father's Day to all of the Daddies out there!

Question - Sibling Loss

2010-09-19T14:40:00.002-04:00

How did you tell your living children about the loss of their sibling? How much information do you give based on their age? Did you use any books to help explain?
If you are planning on having future children how will you tell them about the sibling that came before them?
Have you written about this on your own blog or is there another blog or internet resource you found most helpful?

September's Feature: Making Connections

2010-09-07T18:07:00.006-04:00

Nicole and her husband Daniel lost their precious daughter Avery Nicole at 25 weeks on March 13th 2010. Avery Nicole was born sleeping due to MTHFR C677T and Factor II G20210A, both blood clotting disorders. Nicole began blogging in June as a way to cope with her loss and to channel her thoughts and feelings. Since starting her own blog, The Avery Diaries, http://myaverynicole.blogspot.com/, Nicole has discovered the huge and hugely supportive community of bereaved parents. A community quick to lend support or a shoulder to cry on. Wanting to do more to reach out to these other parents Nicole set up a new blog aptly titled "BLM Penpals." It is nothing fancy or expensive. Just a group of mostly mom's lending support and encouragement specifically on the days when we need it the most, i.e. due dates and special occasions. Imagine how it feels to walk to your mailbox and see a note or a card from another parent who happened to be thinking of you that week. I myself as a member also find it exciting to go out and look for little trinkets or cards that remind me of the women I spend so much time with online. Nicole has done an amazing job in honouring her daughters life and in reaching out to make connections with other parents. Please go over and check out her blog. Please feel free to leave any supportive comments here for Nicole and if you are interested you can find the information for the BLM Penpal program on Nicole's personal blog. Feel free to share with us any other links you've found helpful in making connections within the community.

October's Feature: Multiple Loss

Please submit nominations on the topic of multiple losses. What blog have you found to be the most helpful? If you are interested in submitting a blog please review the new page "Featured Monthly Blog Submittions" for rules and deadlines.

Question - October 15th

2010-09-03T16:06:00.002-04:00

October 15th is International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

What are you doing, or going to be a part of, to memorialize the life of your darling child(ren)?

If you are looking for an event, check this site. Don't see your area, and have something planned? Let us know here by leaving a comment, and also submit your event here so others may know and remember with you.

-Amanda

**I am not affiliated with the October 15th site linked above. I have bought items from Robyn, and we've emailed a few times as fellow BLMs.

A Letter to Friends and Family

2010-09-03T14:35:00.003-04:00

I have really been thinking a lot lately of what I would like to tell people and how I would like to explain my feelings and grief to my loved ones. I found this great letter online and thought I'd share it. Have you written your own version? What would you add or delete? If you have something similar on your own blog or website please share.

What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss: A letter from women to their friends and family
By: Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar.The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.**Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.**Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.**Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between losing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.**Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?**Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.**Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.**Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.**Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.**Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.**Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died" or "when I was pregnant" don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.**Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.**Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.~Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.~Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.~Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.If you're my boss or my co-worker:~Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.~Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.

Scrapbooking Tips

2010-08-26T21:18:00.004-04:00

I have started seriously thinking about how I am going to scrapbook my son's memories. I don't have any photos of him but have some other things. Has anyone blogged about their own scrapbooking activies? Please share the link or just leave a comment with ideas you might have of how we can scrapbook our precious memories. Any free online resources you've found?

Elaine
http://www.wavesoverstones.blogspot.com/

Welcoming our new coauthors

2010-08-23T00:01:00.003-04:00

I am pleased to announce the addition of three new coauthors to the DBC blog team.

Please welcome Elaine from Waves Over Stones with her son Blaine, Amanda from This Girl Will Never Be The Same with her two sons Rowan and Levi along with Jess from Epic Fail with her son Joel. The addition of three new perspectives all from a different stage in the grief journey should prove to be a resourceful addition to our blog. Feel free to check out each ones story on their personal blogs, and given them all a warm welcome.

Our new look

2010-08-22T23:58:00.001-04:00

We've updated the look here at the DBC blog after a few suggestions that the blog seemed "depressing" with its black color scheme. Let us know how you like the new look, and/or if anything is funky.

Question

2010-08-10T22:31:00.002-04:00

Someone on FB recently asked me how loosing my son affected my marraige. I thought that I would post that question here for all of you to answer. You can answer in the comment section, or on your own blog (just be sure to comment here with a link to your answer).

How has the death of your child affected your marraige/relationship?

Question

2010-04-01T19:54:00.003-04:00

Upon visiting my son's memorial tree this evening I was surprised to see that some random stranger had planted flowers at the base of his tree. You can see that story here.

Have you experienced a random stranger honoring your child, and if so, in what way?

Question

2010-03-23T00:37:00.002-04:00

How has the devestation surrounding your babyloss affected your relationship with your parents?

International Babylost Mother's Day

2010-02-11T13:50:00.003-05:00

International Babylost Mother's Day (The FIRST Sunday in May) is another wonderful project from Carly over at Love Reign Over Me (she is also the creator of To Write Their Names in the Sand, which is a wonderful way to honor our babies).

Have you checked this out yet? There's a link on the photo above to this new project. Carly is organizing a special project to go along with the day. A babylost-awareness movie clip to put on YouTube of babylost Momma's. If you'd like to take part, click here.

Waterfall Angels - Name Memorial

2010-02-08T09:47:00.005-05:00

I love it when parents come up with a way to memorialize our children. Seems I can never get enough of it! Waterfall Angels is just that, a beautiful way to remember our babies. Lisa (mommy to Jasper) is writting names on a lovely river rock and then taking them down to Rainbow Springs State Park in Florida and taking pictures. She then lovingly uploads them to her blog for the parents to click on the photo and save a copy to their computers. I just loved the ones she did for my sweet Logan. You can see them here. Thank you Lisa for giving me one more sweet reminder.

What Etsy has to offer Baby Loss Families

2010-02-02T19:53:00.002-05:00

Etsy, if you don't already know, is like eBay (with out the bidding) for handmade items. There are a few things on there for people who have suffered through infant loss, miscarriage and stillbirth. One thing that stood out to me was a shop that sold handmade cards named A Loss Remembered. There is also jewelery, sculptures and whatnot. Anyhow, I just wanted to take a minute and point out this card maker since there are few places to find cards for our special circumstance.

Question

2010-02-01T08:47:00.004-05:00

After your own baby died, did you experience the loss of a friend or family member's baby? How did you react or feel? What did you say or do for that person after their loss?

Question of the week

2009-12-25T20:12:00.002-05:00

Merry Christmas, or have a happy holiday no matter which one you celebrate this time of year. But being that today is in fact Christmas Day, how was your holiday with out your little one? Feel free to share your tearful moments, your hopes for next year, how you thought this day would go...and then how it really did, or any happy moments or speckles of peace you found today.

Question of the week

2009-12-18T14:11:00.002-05:00

Do you have any family traditions that you are planning on incorporating your childs memory into during the holidays? Do you have anything special planned in rememberance of your little one?

Question of the week

2009-12-11T14:09:00.001-05:00

With the gift giving holidays fast approaching, have you decided to purchase a gift for, or in rememberance of, your little one? If so, what is it and what are your plans for it?

Question of the week

2009-12-04T14:06:00.002-05:00

Knowing that grief comes in stages and most of those stages get repeated several times in the grief cycle, and knowing that grief comes in lulls and waves, how long do you think it took you to get past the really hard part?? When did you realize it had happened?

How Food Affects Your Mood - Article

2009-12-03T14:04:00.001-05:00

I read this in a recent newsletter I get from http://www.sparkpeopl.com/ on depression/dieting. I thought I would sahre it here.

How Food Affects Your Mood

Although the foods you eat cannot treat depression, your diet does have significant effects on your mood, energy levels, mental health, and your ability to cope with stress. If you suffer from depression or seasonal affective disorder (SAD), certain dietary changes can help you get well when combined with a treatment program outlined by your health care provider.

Structure your meals. Eat at approximately the same times each day and don't skip meals. Enjoy three well-balanced meals and plan snacks between meals.

Eat quality nutrients. Try incorporating more whole foods, fruits and veggies, and healthy fats.

Consume plenty of calories. Eating less than 1,000 calories per day reduces the amount of serotonin in the brain, which increases symptoms of depression and its chances of recurring.

Go for omega-3s. These fatty acids can help with depression, by affecting cell signals in the brain. Foods rich in omega-3s include salmon, sardines, mackerel, soybeans, walnuts, ground flaxseed and more.

Cut back on caffeine. Caffeine acts as a stimulant, making you feel anxious and interfering with sleep patterns. Consume no more than 200- 300 milligrams daily.

Avoid alcohol and drugs. They interact with medications and addictive or abusive behaviors can prevent you from a full recovery.

Eat plenty of carbs. They increase the amount of serotonin in the brain, improving mood and decreasing symptoms of depression. Aim for at least 130 grams of carbohydrates from foods like whole grains, fruits and veggies each day.

Depression is difficult for anyone who lives with it. It can sap your motivation to care for yourself, eat well, and exercise--the very things that can help you feel better. While dietary changes alone aren't a surefire way to prevent or treat depression, they can help you feel better when combined with the treatment options that your health care provider recommends.

Exercise Improves Depression - Article

2009-11-30T13:55:00.000-05:00

I read this in a newsletter for depression that I signed up for on http://www.sparkpeople.com/ and thought I would share it here.

Exercise Improves Depression

The idea that regular exercise can improve symptoms of depression and anxiety has been around for thousands of years. If you suffer from major depression, exercise probably won't be the only treatment you'll need, but it will help along with your treatment plan. Working out can enhance the benefits of antidepressant medications, and even produce similar results. But while medication and psychotherapy can take weeks to work, you can start feeling the positive effects of exercise right away.

Research shows that exercise:

Positively effects the same neurotransmitters that antidepressant medications target

Produces feel-good brain chemicals called "endorphins," which promote the sense of well-being and satisfaction

Releases tension in muscles that contributes to depression-related soreness and insomnia

Reduces levels of the stress hormone cortisol, relieving feelings of anxiety and agitation

Raises body temperature, which appears to have calming effects

Exercise can also promote the following psychological and emotional changes:

Distraction. Exercise compels you to focus on something besides your troubles for a little while, helping you find pleasure.

Confidence. By meeting a goal, like a small amount of exercise each day, you can begin to rebuild confidence and self-esteem.

Self-respect. Taking the time to do something positive to help yourself every day can help you reconnect with the part of you that wants to be healthy and productive.

Question of the Week

2009-11-13T00:01:00.001-05:00

With the holidays approaching, many of us find them to be especially hard to celebrate. Do you have any plans for including the memory of your dead baby (special candle lighting, ornaments, prayers) in the holidays? Have you decided to start a tradition for "remebering" your child during the holidays? Do you plan on purchasing gifts for your child, or in memory of your child? What special plans, if any, do you have for the holidays that are based around the death of your child(ren)?

The DBC on Facebook

2009-11-11T15:53:00.000-05:00

Are you on Facebook? The DBC has a group page. You can join it by clicking here. Its still a young club, but its a nice place to start random discussions about your DB. There is also a place to photo's, feel free to share yours. Also feel free to post links to your blog or any website you like (relating to DBs), or even if you have a craft to share (like jewelry, name memorials, etc).

What Happens After You've Given Up?

2009-11-06T14:09:00.000-05:00

I thought perhaps this post would work nicely here on TDBC blog, for those of you who don't follow my personal blog about Logan. So, here is a repost.

This is part of a post I wrote today on my diet blog The Fatty Cakes Girls Club that I co-author with a skinny friend of mine. My posts have taken a different turn recently. I used to keep Logan and the "issues" I have with that tucked neatly, safely and mostly secretly tucked away here on my personal blog. But, reality is what it is. And my reality is trying, struggeling, and failing daily to get a handle on my weight loss and fitness in the face of depression and emotional eating. So, lately the two issues have crossed each other and I thought I would share a little of that here. Maybe this would be a more appropriate post for The Dead Baby Club Blog. But, here it is anyway.

What Happens After You've Given Up?

Seriously. What happens after you've given up? I need to find an article or something. But this is where I am. I've given up. I've tossed in the towel on pretty much everything around me. I hate who it makes me. I hate what I look like, how I feel. But I don't seem to know what to do now.

joined a group on SparkPeople.com for depression. The thing is, it seems like a joke to me. I'm not sure how people really find hope or comfort in those things, but they must. I don't. I'm not "just" depressed. Its not some chemical impalance or something. I'm insanely sad, and for good reason. Most days I'm just numb. Numb is better than gut wrenching tears, or not. I haven't decided yet. For those of you who missed it, I had a stillborn son in January. It was unexpected, as I guess most of the time it is. Anyhow, I know that the crap that I'm neck deep in is all normal. If I went to a shrink they'd give me meds (which I'm not keen on) and tell me that its all part of grief and its normal. That I just have to weather the storm. So that's what I do. Everyday I tread water, metaphorically of course since treading water would make me loose weight and since that's not happening... But everyday I just survive. And I'm tired. I'm tired of having to work at it. IT being everything. I just don't have the energy, the will, whatever. Anyhow, this group...its been no help. They say things like, step 1) get up. 2) Brush your teeth and comb your hair 3) get dressed....uh hello? I know that its like that for a lot of people. And frankly if it wasn't for my daughter...I'd still be caught at step one. What I wouldn't give to just sleep through this mess. But seriously, reading on the internet that all you have to do is get up and "tah-dah" life will be better, its a farse. No duh. I know I need to get up, get presentable (pony-tail style, right Jules??), eat, stay alive. Its the things that I don't "have" to do. Like eat decent food, exercise, clean the house, maybe even shower... :) I wish it was that easy. Just do it. Just say it, and it will be so. But it's not. I've tried to fake it. I've "just done it" and nothing stuck. I do the bare minimum. Some days I get a spark, and on those days maybe I work out, or maybe I grocery shop, or clean. But those days are few and far between. It feels like it takes all the energy I have just to survive the day. To be a good mommy to my daughter, to be an acceptable (or at least not repulsive) wife to my dh. I don't have strength to be anything else, for anyone else. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you want to look at it, a tiny spot in my heart still desires for those things...on occasion, when that spot isn't being over run with the other crap.

I know this isn't really the "place" for that tangent, but I know that lots of people read this blog, and lots of people struggle with various forms of depression or other issues that make loosing weight seem impossible, and sometimes it is. The point is that other people have these struggles too. Not everyone wakes up one day and decides that "today is the day" and boom, everything falls into place and the weight just goes melting away. Weight loss is a hard battle faught by millions of people, a lot of whom are depressed or are emotional eaters. A lot of whom struggle with getting out of bed, much less on the elliptical. I guess the good thing is that even if I've given up, it's temporary. I'm still blogging. I lay my heart out bare and display my humiliation of 9 months of failed weight loss attempts for everyone to judge, and have opinions about. And maybe someday I'll be able to look back and marvel at how far I came. Maybe someone will read these posts and see how low I was, and then read how I succeeded and maybe they'll be inspired. Maybe that's what keeps me trudging on, even after I've given up.

So Fatty Cakes, what keeps you going when you've given up? What's the huge motivator that pushes you to keep trying even after years of failure and embarressment? Why are you here?

::: ::: :::

So, this is to all of you in DB land. Have any of you been trying to loose weight? I mean, we're all just like "normal" post-partum mums. We all needed to loose that baby fat. Luckily, or whatever, I didn't need to loose the "baby" weight so much as the fat butt I had prior too. I gained a mere 6lbs in the short 6 months I gestated Logan, which at the time they were congratulating, and only just begining to raise an eyebrow about. No, I don't feel like my lack of gain affected Logan's development. I'm about 40lbs overweight, so low gain was encouraged, and Logan's issue is genetic (DS). Anyhow, after Logan died I discovered for the first time that I am an emotional eater. The only comfort I could manage to find was in food and soda. Anything loaded with sugar. Anything that gave me that slight rush, even if only for a second. That caused me to add an additional 10lbs to my already fat butt. For the most part I've overcome the emotional eating thing (though I still struggle with finding comfort in a bottle of pop or a Mocha). I still have a lot of bad days, though I try to see it for what it is. But I can not for the life of me stick with a diet or exercise program to save my life. I keep thinking, why bother? Why make myself more miserable than I already am? And I just can't seem to talk myself into keeping at it. And sadly, it adds to the depression. Its like, I sit here and I know what the problem is, and I know how to fix it (because I lost 40lbs a few years ago when I put my mind to it) and yet, I just can't seem to get up. I feel like a boiled frog. I know what's happening, but I can't work up the strngth to do anything about it. And I HATE IT! I don't know this person!

Sadly I thought I was having a few good weeks. But what I am realizing now is that they're just weeks of voids. There is no comfort to be found anywhere in anything. And I've just gone numb. I don't care. I don't care that I'm drinking soda that a couple of months ago I convinced myself was poison. I don't care that I'm eating nasty, tasteless food from some joint because at least I didn't have to cook it, and now I don't have to clean it up. I don't care that my hair doesn't get brushed, or that I'm not showered. I don't care that I'm not working out, and only mildly care if I gain weight. Most days I'm just relieved not to have gianed any weight. I don't care that my house is a mess and that I don't have any clean clothes. The only thing I care about is trying to make David happy (or at least not adding to his depression) and making my daughter smile. Which frightens me because I never wanted a spoiled child, and she may well end up that way because I am so desperate to please her. Although, momma still knows what a time-out chair looks like.

So if you've lost weight, or kicked some other habit, how'd you get the umph after loosing your baby? Where'd you find the desire to give a crap? Even after figuring out that it was something you HAD to do, how did you ACTUALLY manage to get it done?

Question of the Week

2009-10-23T00:01:00.000-04:00

Experts say that when you suffer through a trauma as awful as loosing a baby, that you shouldn't make any major life changes in the first year. Having said that, did you make any major life changes in the first year after your baby died, and if so, do you think it was for the better or the worse? How did it affect your grieving process?

Question of the Week

2009-10-16T00:01:00.000-04:00

I would like to put together a list of things people can do for their friends or family members who have lost a baby. What things were important to you that you would have liked others to have done when your baby(ies) died? What did you wish they wouldn't have done? Would you have preferred people have called or not? Would you have liked people to ask about the details? Would you have liked to have shared your pictures of your baby? Nothing is off limits, so speak freely.

Question of the Week

2009-10-09T00:01:00.001-04:00

When my son Logan died in January I wanted desperately to have a way for him to leave his mark on this earth, physically. We didn't have a grave site for him as he was at U of M for many months undergoing his autopsy, and then later his ashes were sent home to us, where they currently remain. My husband and I decided to plant a tree in Logan's honor at a local park. There is also a plaque at the base of the tree. I wanted people to see that there was a child here who had a name. He was wanted, he is loved and he is missed. The park is where I would have taken him to play, it seemed like an appropriate location. The tree now serves as a symbol of our son and has become an integreal part of our memory of him. You can see Loga's Weeping Willow and Plaque here.

The question is:

Did you do anything to memorialize your child physically? Plant a tree, flower, garden? Create a pond? Buy a brick, a bench, a stone?
If so, we'd like to hear the story and get a link to a picture (if there is one available).

Ways to Memorialize Your Baby

2009-10-06T01:30:00.000-04:00

After my son Logan died I found that I was desperate to find ways for him to "leave his mark" on this earth, physically. One of the things that I did was to plant a tree in is honor in a local park. You can see that here. I also had a name print done and had his name written in the sand by Carly (many parents print this photo off and hang it on their wall) and had a necklace made with his name and Angelversary on it by a fellow DBM. There are so many ways in which we can memorialize our children. Here are a few more:

Cremation Keepsake Jewelry

Teddy Babies

Memorial Rocks

Name a Star

Donate to Share in your childs name

Donate or Walk for March of Dimes in your childs name

Reborn Doll

Keepsake Box

Memory Blanket (from your childs clothes)

Baby Memory Book

Custom Photo Book

Have your childs portrait Sketched

Handprint/Footprint Jewelery

Shirts

Angel Gifts

Birth Record Baby Shoe

Memorial Tear Bottles

Forget Me Knot Memorial Box

Angel Pics (free Photo Retouching for Stillborn Babies)

Personalized Ornament

Grave Markers

Memorial Garden Bench

Some folks like to plant gardens or a specific plant, make stepping stones, create a water pond or have an area put aside especially for the belongings of their angel baby. Many local places allow you to purchase bricks or plaques in memory or your child(ren), places like your local library, school, activity center, church or park. Here are a few other nice ideas. If you did something, bought something, or heard about something that you think would be beneficial for another grieving family, please do share.

Baby Urns (Website List)

2009-10-05T23:54:00.001-04:00

I have to admit that I was shocked when my son's ashes showed up in a plastic bowl in the mail. For some reason I assumed he'd arrive in a little urn. So, though I do not endorse any of these websites, here is a short list of websites that sell Infant Urns for our little angels, to help get you started. Check with a local Funeral Home and see if they can transition the ashes for you, if you'd like.

Eternity Cremation Urns

Infinity Cremation Urns

Urns Northwest

Holy Urns

Custom Urns

Updates Galore

2009-10-05T23:32:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to let everyone know that I have added updates to everything that had a submission, and there were a lot! The calendar, the name list, several directories...etc.

I have to apologize for my absence. When I started this resource blog I was in an easier place, emotionally. Lately though I have had a rough time being reminded that babies are still dying, everyday. This blog has reinforced that knowledge for me, and sometimes it is hard to be a part of it. Forgive me during the times where I need to step away and try and forget this pain. In the mean time though, know that all of the submissions can be found i nthe various comments sections and that eventually they will be added to the formal locations. Thank you all for your understanding. I wish you all moments of peace. Keep breathing.

Remembering Peyton, George & Emily this month

2009-10-02T16:35:00.006-04:00

I wanted to post that October is an especially hard time for Peyton, George & Emily's family. Today is Peyton's Angelversary, Geroge's Angelversary is later this month and later this month was Emily's due date. Please keep these families in your thoughts. If you would like to contact them, or read their stories, click on their names in the calendar at the bottom of the home page for their info.

Lighting a candle for Peyton, George and Emily all month long.

This image was stolen from Raffledoocious on Flicker and I give this person all credit.

Question of the Week

2009-10-02T16:31:00.001-04:00

I've slowed down on the question of the week because frankly I've run out of intelligent questions to ask. So please, if you have any questions you'd like answered, feel free to let me know and I will post it.

This time the question is this:

My son Logan died at the end of January on a sunny bright and bitterly cold day. I often find myself fearing the coming winter. Will it throw me deeper into depression? Will all bitter cold sunny days just remind me of his death even more? Perhaps its the one year mark looming on the horizon. Whatever it is, I find that I am leery of this coming winter. Just another reminder. So, I am wondering, do any of you feel the same way? If your child died in the summer, do you find that summer time is often hard for you to go through? Winter, fall or spring? If so, and you've been through a few...when did you start to realize that the time of year was less and less of a significance?

If you choose to answer this question on your own blog, don't forget to leave us a link so that we can see your answer. :)

Question of the Week

2009-08-14T14:40:00.002-04:00

Studies show that regular exercise can help to battle depression by releasing feel good chemicals in your brain. So, this weeks question is this:

Have you found that exercising really does help to release some of the tension, stress, anxiety and everything else that is associated with grief? Do you exercise to find relief? What form of exercise have you found relieves you the most? How often do you do this?

Question of the Week

2009-08-07T10:04:00.000-04:00

Who has been your biggest support in your grief since the death of your child? Did this surprise you? In what way has this person been so supportive?

Question of the Week

2009-07-31T22:21:00.001-04:00

Did you choose to name your baby, and if so, what was the inspiration behind your childs name?

Blogs from a Different Path (adoption, surrogacy, etc)

2009-07-28T21:12:00.004-04:00

This is a blog directory for parents who have chosen to walk a different path to "having" a child after the death of a baby; be it through adoption, surrogacy, or any alternative means. There are no current listings.

If you would like to submit a blog written by a dead baby momma simply add it in the comment section. Also, if there is a misprint, please accept my apologies and inform me ASAP!

Blogs about Surviving Multiples (death of one twin, etc)

2009-07-28T20:42:00.004-04:00

The purpose of this directory is to share blogs from the perspective of families who have lost one or more multiples whilst one or more survived (for instance one twin dies).

Between the Snow and the Huge Roses
Georgia died at 3 days old in August 2008 leaving behind her twin sister Jessica.
Life, Interrupted
Caitlin was stillborn in February 2009 leaving behind her triplet sisters Julia & Gabrielle.

If you would like to submit a blog written by a dead baby momma simply add it in the comment section.

Also, if there is a misprint, please accept my apologies and inform me ASAP!

Question of the week

2009-07-24T23:03:00.002-04:00

What seems to have been the hardest milestone since your child's death, and how did you cope with that day?

Father's Grieving Infant Loss Blog

2009-07-21T22:12:00.002-04:00

I came across this blog today and thought it was worth sharing.

Father's Grieving Infant Loss

from Tim Nelson, author of a Guide For Fathers - When a Baby Dies

Tim Nelson
My wife, Monica, and I suffered the full-term stillbirth of our second child, Kathleen. While that was a number of years ago, I have stayed connected to the issue through my writing and speaking on the topic of father's grief following the death of an infant. I, like many men, had trouble talking about my feelings after my daughter's death. I'm hoping this blog might be a place for dads to share their thoughts about what they are experiencing and find support from other dads.

Question of the Week

2009-07-17T20:32:00.002-04:00

Every Friday I will post a new question of the week. Leave your answers in the comment section below, or answer on your blog, but be sure to give us a link!

What has surprised you the most about your journey of grief?

FAQ's about this Blog

2009-07-14T23:12:00.004-04:00

This is a FAQ's page about this blog. Please feel free to submit your questions regarding this blog in the comment section below.

What's with the name? Well, I'm not much for sugar coating. And I think as a mother to a dead baby that sugar coating doesn't change the facts. My baby died. I am a member of the Dead Baby Club. A club nobody wants to belong to , and yet so many of us do. Why pretend it's all fluffy and sweet when it so clearly is not?
Who are you? Just a fellow Dead Baby Momma who believes that blogging is an effective outlet for grief. I have no degree in pyschology or anything. I'm a SAHM to a little girl who came a year before the stillbirth of my son.
How many people contribute to this blog? As of right now there are four fellow Dead Baby Momma's. Heather (myself), Elaine, Amanda and Jess. Each of us is at a different stage in our loss, and I believe that each of us offers a unique perspective.
Can I add something? Sure!! In fact I encourage it. I'm all ears for things that you would find useful or a nice addition. You can contact me via email or through a comment with any suggestions you'd like to make.
Can I coauthor the blog? I am always looking to add a new perspective to this blog. If you are interested in becoming a part of the DBC Blog team, please contact me and we can go from there.
Are you are professional? Nope. Not at all. Therefore all posts on this blog should not be taken as a professional opinion. There just entries from fellow loss parents who are trying to find their way and lend a hand to others in their journey. Please be aware that we can not offer professional advice, and should you feel in need of such advice please refer to a licensed practitioner.
Where else are you on the web? We have a Facebook Group, and a Twitter account @TheDeadBabyClub
Do you have religious or political affiliations? No. The DBC is a religous/political neutral blog. We know that there are many club members from all walks of life and faiths and do not judge nor push any one political/religious view here on the blog.
Can I contact the DBC directly? Sure. You can email me by clicking here, and I will try to respond in a timely fashion.
How long has this blog been up and running? Since 2009.

I'd like to blog, but I don't know how.

2009-07-14T22:12:00.005-04:00

Blogging is like an online journal. Lots of people find blogging about the death of their baby(ies) a good way to cope, and meet other people in similar shoes. Experts say that keeping a journal may help one through the grieving process.

So, you want to blog, but don't know where to start? First you need to pick a blog hosting site. There are countless ones out there. Here at the DBC I use http://www.blogger.com/ because it is the only one I was familiar with at the onset of my blogging career. I was reading a blog hosted here, and decided to create a blog myself. There are other blog hosting sites such as http://www.livejournal.com/ and http://www.wordpress.com/ or http://www.typepad.com/ to name a few. You can type in "blog" on any search engine and get an extensive list of blog hosting sites.

Once you decide on a host, you need a blog title. For instance, my personal blog is titled "It Only Hurts When I Breathe". Then you'll need a blog address (also known as the URL). This can be the same or different as your blog title. My personal blog address is http://mystolenlight.blogspot.com/ though I now wish that I would have chosen the same name for both, just to keep things simple. Usually that's all you need to get started.

What the heck is a WIDGET? A Widget is a funky little tool you can use on your blog for many different things. Just about anything on the blog that isn't part of a post (a post is where you actually journal) is a widget. For example, Link Lists, Followers, Twitter, Blog Rolls, About Me, Counters, etc. Everyone has their own preference on what type of widgets, if any, they would like to have on their blog.

But it's ugly! There are many websites out there that offer html codes to help you spruce up your blog. They also offer instructions (most of the time). If you use MySpace you may already be aware of this feature. A few websites that offer blog background codes are http://www.thecutestblogontheblock.com/ and http://designerblogsbyerin.blogspot.com/ or http://www.scrapbookgraphics.com/ to mention a few.

Nobody is reading it! In order to get readers and/or "followers" (people who read your blog on a regular basis because they subscribe to the RSS feed) you'll need to be a good blog buddy and read, comment and follow other blogs. You can also post your blog link on catalog websites (http://www.blogcatalogue.com/ is one), Facebook, Twitter, MySpace or other forums.

Tweak the settings. There are many settings that you can tweak to suit your preferences such as allowing comments or not, receiving comment notifications, blogging from your phone or email, archiving, or allowing more than one person to post to the bog. There are many settings that can be played around with and the best way to learn is to explore.

There are lots of ways to make your blog interesting. You can add music, photo's, video's, Twitterings, Links, Blog Rolls and so much more. Some people just prefer the basics, and that's ok too. What ever makes you feel more comfortable.

Other sites with advice and info:
A list of Blog Directories

Blog Hints

Daily Blog Tips

Blog Tips

Pro Blogger Blog Tips

Tips for New Bloggers

Blog Tips for a Better Blog

Dead Baby Book Reviews

2009-07-14T22:02:00.001-04:00

Read a book dealing with Miscarriage, Stillbirth or Infant Loss?

Add your review of the book (including title and author) in the comment section below.

List of useful links from About.com on Pregnancy/Infant Loss

2009-07-14T21:36:00.002-04:00

I borrowed these links from About.com though this is not the entire article. You can see the original article here. I'm sure I'm breaking some sort of copywrite laws, but I found these links to be a very useful tool here on the DBC blog, so though I don't condone stealing stuff from other websites, you'll have to forgive me.

Breaking the News of a Miscarriage or Stillbirth
Pregnancy loss is hard enough on you as the person experiencing it, but many people also struggle with how to inform friends, relatives, and coworkers of a recent miscarriage or stillbirth.

When Miscarriage Grief Becomes Depression
The signs and symptoms of depression are not that different from the signs of typical grief after a pregnancy loss. Thus, when you are grieving a miscarriage or pregnancy loss, it can be hard to tell whether or not you have developed clinical depression.

Naming Babies Lost to Miscarriage or Stillbirth
Some parents grieving a miscarriage find that naming the baby helps in coping with the pregnancy loss. The decision is personal and different people will have different preferences.

Down Syndrome and Miscarriage
A lesser known fact about Down syndrome (trisomy 21) is that the condition can sometimes cause miscarriage, as is revealed by chromosome tests. Researchers do not know why some babies with Down syndrome are miscarried while others survive to term.

Talking to Children About Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss
Many parents struggle with how to break the news of a miscarriage to their other children. Depending on your children's age, you may choose to explain everything about the pregnancy loss or to not tell them anything at all.

Coping with Unexplained Miscarriage or Stillbirth
More often than not, doctors have no clear answers for why a specific pregnancy loss happened. They know much about general miscarriage causes but can rarely pinpoint an explanation for individual miscarriages and stillbirths, and sometimes this can be hard to accept.

Handling Insensitive Comments from Friends and Relatives After a Miscarriage
Almost everyone who has been through a miscarriage knows about the hurtful and insensitive comments that others can make. Sometimes you can help to educate friends and relatives about what to say to someone who has had a pregnancy loss, but other times you may want to avoid people who make ignorant comments.

What to Do If Your Friend Miscarries While You Are Pregnant
If you are currently pregnant but have a friend going through a miscarriage or stillbirth, here are some important things to keep in mind when you talk to her.

Ultrasound Accuracy for Diagnosing Congenital Birth Defects
Ultrasounds can be fairly accurate for catching certain congenital birth defects, but it cannot provide a guarantee that the baby has no malformations or health conditions. Similarly, an ultrasound can occasionally show a false positive.

October 15th - National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day
Did you know that October 15 is a national remembrance day for miscarriage and pregnancy loss and that October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month? Here's what you can do during the month to remember your baby or spread awareness of pregnancy loss.

What to Say When a Friend or Relative Has Had a Pregnancy Loss
After a miscarriage or pregnancy loss, your friend or relative needs your support. Learn what to say, what to avoid doing, and how you can give your friend or relative space if she needs to grieve the loss of her pregnancy.

Six Things You Can Do to Help Spread Awareness of Pregnancy Loss and Miscarriage
If you feel the call to do something to help support miscarriage and pregnancy loss awareness and research after the experience of your own miscarriage, here are six suggestions.

Chemical Pregnancy or Clinical Pregnancy?
Chemical pregnancy is a potentially confusing term for a very early miscarriage. Here's how to understand the difference between a chemical pregnancy and a clinical pregnancy, and why you might hear the term clinical miscarriage.

How to Cope with Baby Shower Invitations After a Miscarriage
Attending baby showers after a miscarriage can be deeply painful. Here's what to do if you are receiving baby shower invitations while grieving a miscarriage.

Research on the Link Between Stress and Miscarriages
Take a look at the different research studies that have examined a link between pregnancy stress and miscarriages.

My Baby Died, What Now?

2009-07-14T20:33:00.002-04:00

My baby died, what now? Those are the words I kept hearing in my head the first week after my son Logan was stillborn. What do I do now? What do I do with the memories, the tears, the broken heart, the hopes and dreams and the stuff! I still don't know everything about what to do when ones baby dies, but having been there I do know what I did, what I wish I'd have done and that I want to know what others did or would have done. Below you will find some suggestions that I have com across, and please feel free to add your own (using the comment section at the bottom). The end of this article has a few links to articles on other sites that might be worth checking out.

In the back of the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting" there is a section titled "When Something Goes Wrong". Morbid to say the least. I didn't read this section with my first child, to afraid of what could go wrong. But with my second child I did brave the murky waters and read this section. Two weeks later something did go wrong, very wrong. I remembered most of what I had read. Horrible things like that stick with you I guess. Here is a list of things they say you should do to help you cope. However; everyone is different and though this is what the book recommends, it may not necessarily be what is right for you. You should never feel pressured to do anything you do not want to do. Doing so, in the end, may do more harm than good. Some people feel more traumatized by holding their dead child, other's find peace and closure in it. You will know what is right for you. And remember not to push your spouse to do anything they don't feel comfortable with as this may just cause resentment later on. You have enough to deal with, with out adding to it. Retyping this entire section would be daunting to say the least, so this is just an overview. If you would like to read the entire section it is under the title "Coping With Pregnancy Loss"

See and hold your baby (if it's possible).
Name your baby.
Get an Autopsy, and discuss the findings with your doctor.
Ask not to be sedated (if possible).
Take photos (or ask the nurses too) and save bracelets, a lock of hair, foot & hand prints, crib tags and/or any other tangible memento.
Focus on the positive attributes of your child (big eyes, long lashes, lots of hair, Daddy's nose).
Cry
Expect a difficult time, depression, intense sadness, sleeplessness, etc.
Recognize that daddy is grieving too, but may appear shorter and/or less intense.
Don't face the world alone. Have a friend fieled the difficult questions about your baby.
Expect that friends and family may not know what to say and may withdraw for a while.
Expect your pain to lessen over time. The grieving process is often not fully completed for as long as two years, but the worst is usually over within 6 months. Be aware that the pain may never go away entirely.
Seek support. Either through online friends (like other mommies in blog land), support groups or therapy.
Limit the use of sedatives (pills, booze, whatever).
Turn to religion if you find it comforting.
Don't expect that having another baby will resolve any grief.
Recognize that quilt can compound grief.

Other dead baby parents and experts say this:

Blog. Blog your heart out. Some like to do this anonymously.
Read other blogs from parents who've lost a baby.
Make a cast or mold of your child, their face, hands, feet...anything.
Take pictures of you holding your child
Take pictures of each body part, naked (since the staff may not know what you'll want to remember).
Remember you probably have a camera on your cell phone.
Tell people via email instead of in person.
Baptize your baby, or have them blessed.
Take time off of work (Daddies too!)
Scrapbook
Keep a journal.
Write your baby letters.
Write poetry, music or create art in memory of your baby.
Plant a Tree or Garden in Memory of your baby.
Get a piece of jewelery with your child's name or birthstone.
Get your child's name written in the sand or a name print or similar.
Name a Star after your baby.
Have a memorial service or funeral.
Get an urn or special box for your child's ashes.
Postpone major decisions (like moving, getting rid of a pet, getting a pet, switching jobs)
Talk to your partner, and then talk some more. No one "gets it" like they do.
Get a lot of sleep, eat right and exercise (nothing burns of anger like cardio).
Join a support group
Get a new hobby or obsession (like blogging, scrapbooking, golf, creating memory boxes or afghans to donate to a hospital for other baby loss families)
Be prepared for ignorant and insensitive comments and then dismiss them.
Don't be afraid to tell people you're the parent of a dead baby.
Don't feel obligated to explain or offer details.
Attend a memorial event often offered by the hospital or local organization.
Celebrate your child's birthday
Create a special place in your home for your child's memories

Websites with similar articles

The 5 Stages of Grief

2009-07-14T20:06:00.003-04:00

As many people who are nose deep in grief have assuredly heard, there is a theory that there are five stages of grief. Some argue seven. Some even say that we go through the stages, sometimes in a different order, and usually repeat a few or experience them at the same time. There is a lot of speculation on the topic. Below is an article on the Kübler-Ross model that deals mainly with folks who are dying themselves, but has been widely accepted to include those involved in any catastrophic loss (such as the death of a child). At the bottom of the article you will find links to other articles or sites that seem relevant. Please note that "the views and opinions stated in this article may not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of this blog" yada, yada. You get the point, I'm just trying to offer up some info to help us all make a little more sense of what we are experiencing.

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The Kübler-Ross model, commonly known as the five stages of grief, was first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book "On Death and Dying". It describes, in five discrete stages, a process by which people allegedly deal with grief and tragedy, especially when diagnosed with a terminal illness or catastrophic loss. In addition to this, her book brought mainstream awareness to the sensitivity required for better treatment of individuals who are dealing with a fatal disease.

Stages
1) Denial:
Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of situations and individuals that will be left behind after death.
Example - "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
2) Anger:
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected resentment and jealousy.
Example - "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"
3) Bargaining:
The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the person is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just have more time..."
Example - "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
4) Depression:
During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect themself from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer an individual up that is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
Example - "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die . . . What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
5) Acceptance:
This final stage comes with peace and understanding of the death that is approaching. Generally, the person in the fifth stage will want to be left alone. Additionally, feelings and physical pain may be non-existent. This stage has also been described as the end of the dying struggle.
Example - "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to people suffering from terminal illness, and later to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). This may also include significant life events such as the death of a loved one, divorce, drug addiction, or an infertility diagnosis. Kübler-Ross also claimed these steps do not necessarily come in the order noted above, nor are all steps experienced by all patients, though she stated a person will always experience at least two. Often, people will experience several stages in a "roller coaster" effect - switching between two or more stages, returning to one or more several times before working through it. Significantly, people experiencing the stages should not force the process. The grief process is highly personal and should not be rushed, nor lengthened, on the basis of an individual's imposed time frame or opinion. One should merely be aware that the stages will be worked through and the ultimate stage of "Acceptance" will be reached. However, there are individuals that struggle with death until the end. Some psychologists believe that the harder a person fights death, they are more likely to stay in the denial stage. If this is the case, it is possible the ill person will have more difficulty dying in a dignified way. Other psychologists state that not confronting death until the end is adaptive for some people. Those that experience problems working through the stages should consider professional grief counseling or support groups.

Criticisms
According to Robert Kastenbaum, there are some problems with Kübler-Ross theory:

The five-stage sequence had not been demonstrated by Kübler-Ross or independent research (although the Yale study found some consistencies).
The stage interpretation neglected the patients' situations (relationship support, effects of illnesses, etc.) and how they could affect the cycle.

Cultural Relevance
A dying individual's approach to death has been linked to the amount of meaning and purpose a person has found throughout their lifetime. A study of 160 people with less than three months to live showed that those who felt they understood their purpose in life, or found special meaning, faced less fear and despair, in the final weeks of their lives than those who had not. In this and similar studies, spirituality helped dying individuals deal with the depression stage more aggressively than those who were not spiritual.

Research
A 2000-2003 study of bereaved individuals conducted by Yale University obtained some findings that were consistent with the five-stage theory and others that were inconsistent with it.[2] In 2008, Skeptic Magazine published the findings of the Grief Recovery Institute, which contested the concept of stages of grief as they relate to people who are dealing with the deaths of people important to them.[3]

[edit] References
1.^ a b c d e f g h i j k l Santrock, J.W. (2007). A Topical Approach to Life-Span Development. New York, NY: McGraw-Hill
2.^ Maciejewski, P. K. (2007, Feb 21). JAMA. Retrieved April 14, 2009. Web Site
3.^ Friedman and James, R. and J.W. (2008).

The Myth of the Stages of Dying, Death and Grief. Skeptic Magazine, 14, Retrieved 2008.

Further reading
Kubler-Ross, E (1973) On Death and Dying, Routledge, ISBN 0415040159
Kubler-Ross, E (2005) On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss, Simon & Schuster Ltd, ISBN 0743263448
Scire, P (2007). "Applying Grief Stages to Organizational Change."
An Attributional Analysis of Kübler-Ross' Model of Dying, by Mark R Brent. Harvard University, 1981.
An Evaluation of the Relevance of the Kübler-Ross Model to the Post-injury Responses of Competitive Athletes, by Johannes Hendrikus Van der Poel, University of the Free State. Published by s.n, 2000.

This article was taken from Wikepedia.

Links

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross - Five Stages of Grief

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross - Homepage

The 5 Stages as they relate to Pregnancy Loss or Infant Death

Blogs from a Pregnant Mommy, and Post Phoenix Baby Perspective

2009-07-14T19:41:00.011-04:00

This is a blog directory of mom's who are currently pregnant or have delivered a child after a previous baby loss. Often times conceiving a child after the loss of another can be an especially difficult and/or emotional pregnancy. These blogs are from women who are either experiencing, or who have experienced, a Phoenix Baby (also known as a Rainbow Baby) pregnancy and the unique emotions often times involved.

Blessings From Above Ty was stillborn at 34 weeks on 01/26/09
Mother to one older child and a Phoenix Baby due in Jan 2010
My Life After Loss Twins Nicholas who died on 02/01/08 and Sophia on 02/16/08
and Alexander who died on 11/23/08
Mother to Phoenix Twins born 09/10/09
Waves Over Stones Blaine was born into the arms of Jesus on April 13th 2010, we are now journeying through the pregnancy of our Pheonix baby Caleb, due May 26th 2011.
Dot's Diner Subsequent pregnancy after the loss of her daughter Acacia to Trisomy 18 in September 2009
My World Author blogs about the loss of her daughter, Cara, to pre eclampsia syndrome and her subsequent pregnancy with her Rainbow Carter.
Missing Olivia Author is pregnant with her fourth baby and is the mother of 3 angels

If you would like to submit a blog written by a dead baby momma
simply add it in the comment section.

Also, if there is a misprint, please accept my apologies
and inform me ASAP!

We're on Twitter & Facebook

2009-07-13T15:19:00.003-04:00

You can now follow us on Twitter. Twitter will be used to announce changes, updates and events as they arise in respect to this blog. Our name on Twitter is @thedeadbabyclub, but that's kind of obvious. There is also a Tweet-roll on the sidebar of the blog.

We also have a Facebook Group now. You can search for us in the groups tab. The group name is called The Dead Baby Club (again, I am captain obvious!) there too.

Pen Pal Volunteers

2009-07-13T12:28:00.004-04:00

One of the ways I have personaly been able to cope is through the use of a DBM/D Pen Pal. I have both a mom and a dad that I email when I need to talk about Logan and grieve in a setting other than on a blog. It's been a blessing to be able to have a one on one with others who are in similar shoes, to hear about their struggles, to ask questions, to offer comfort to them and to relate to. I would like to try to offer such a service through the DBC blog. So, we need volunteers; memebers of the club who don't mind sharing an email address (which will not be posted for the world to gain access through but be added to a private list for my eyes alone) that I can contact them through with contact info for a member who would like a pen pal. If you would like to make yourself available to take on a friend or two, please contact me via email here at the DBC and I will add you to my private list.

Contact The Dead Baby Club

Songs that Comfort

2009-07-13T12:12:00.008-04:00

This is a list of songs and music that have given members of the DBC comfort, or songs they can relate to. We've added a music player, but not all songs are available for use with the player. You can add to our playlist for the music player, or you can submit a song to our comfort list (a link to the lyrics or another site that hosts the song would be nice). We also encourage music you have written to be submitted (a link to hear your song would be nice if it's available).

Comfort Song List
Address in the Stars - Caitlin & Will
Held - Natalie Grant
He's My Son - Mark Shultz
Cry on my Shoulder - Overflow
Homesick - Mercy Me
You Wouldn't Cry (Andrew's Song) - Mandisa
I Still Miss You - Keith Anderson
Living for the Night - George Straight
If Your Going Through Hell - Rodney Atkins
Angel - Robbie Williams
Shelter in the Rain - Stevie Wonder
Smile - Chris Rice
Hold My heart - Tenth Avenue North (Lyrics UA)

We've added a music player

2009-07-13T11:55:00.003-04:00

We've added a music player (thanks Mary)! One that you can add appropriate songs too (which we reserve the right to edit). You can add songs to our playlist by clicking here. Please make sure the music works and sounds good. You can view the music player at the bottom of the home screen. The idea of the music playlist is to have songs that you relate to, or that have given you comfort in your grief. They do not need to be cheery songs, add what you feel (though nothing obscene please). You can also add a suggestion in the comments field below. Unfortunately not all songs are available on the playlist site that hosts our player, but they have a pretty large library.

Remember these days

2009-07-13T11:09:00.004-04:00

This month is Mia's Birthday (07/12) and Freyja's Birthday (7/26). You can view their mommies contact info (if it's been made available) on the calendar if you would like to send them a personal note. Please keep these families in your thoughts and prayers as this is an especially difficult time for them.

The Dead Baby Club Calendar

2009-07-10T12:10:00.009-04:00

There is now a Due Date & Birthday/Anniversary Calendar available here at the bottom of the DBC blog. Once your child's name is added to the Memory List then their Birthday/Anniversary will automatically be added. If your due date has yet to arrive, post the date in a comment (along with your blog if you have one) and I will be sure to add it to the calendar ASAP. It is my hopes that the calendar will let us know when these special days come around so that we can all come together and add a little extra comfort and support to the families. If you click on the child's name in the calendar (or hover with your arrow) the blog address or contact info will pop up. If you have a google account (which you do if you blog with blogger.com) you can add the calendar to your own calendar page (if you don't know how to do this send me an email). Feel free to add your child's birthday/anniversary, your due date, or any other day you think would be appropriate.

Question of the Week

2009-07-10T01:21:00.000-04:00

Every Friday I will post a new question of the week. Leave your answers in the comment section below, or answer on your blog, but be sure to give us a link!

The day after your child died, what did you do?

.

The Dead Baby Club

Coming Up

New Years for Bereaved Parents

Holiday Remembrance

Approaching Gloom or Joy?

Handmade Holiday Gift Exchange!

Penpals

October 15th Wave of Light

Baby Dust by Deanna Roy - Review and Giveaway

Giveaway - Baby Dust

October's Feature: Pregnancy Loss Info Website

Baby Dust - Book Review Part One

Int'l Babylost Father's Day

Baby and Infant Urns

Question: Mementos

September's Feature: Mikayla's Grace

An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination

Question: Regrets

New Directory: Blogs on Carrying to Term After Fatal Diagnosis

July's Feature: Carrying to Term after a Poor or Fatal Prognosis

A Poem For Fathers

Question: What Makes You Grateful

June's Feature: A New Blog

New Directory: Blogs on TTC and Infertility After Loss

PAIL Events

Question: How was your Mother's Day?

Happy Mother's Day

May's Feature - Unable to Conceive after Loss

Another Holiday Minus

Question: Reconciling

Knocked Up, Knocked Down - Monica Murphy LeMoine

Question: Memory Boxes

Help Needed

Updates

Happy Valentine's Day - Question

Name Photos

Calendar

DBC Calendar

Our New Button!!

Happy New Year

Surviving the Holidays

Suggested Read or Holiday Gift Idea

December's Feature - Subsequent Pregnancy

Thanksgiving

November's Featured Blog: TTC After Loss

October 15 - International Infant & Pregnancy Loss Day

October's Featured Blog: Multiple Loss

Today is International Babylost Father's Day

Question - Sibling Loss

September's Feature: Making Connections

Question - October 15th

A Letter to Friends and Family

Scrapbooking Tips

Welcoming our new coauthors

Our new look

Question

Question

Question

International Babylost Mother's Day

Waterfall Angels - Name Memorial

What Etsy has to offer Baby Loss Families

Question

Question of the week

Question of the week

Question of the week

Question of the week

How Food Affects Your Mood - Article

Exercise Improves Depression - Article

Question of the Week

The DBC on Facebook

What Happens After You've Given Up?

Question of the Week

Question of the Week

Question of the Week

Ways to Memorialize Your Baby

Baby Urns (Website List)

Updates Galore

Remembering Peyton, George & Emily this month

Question of the Week

Question of the Week